Nick’s Doctors Visit – Nick had a doctors appointment on Thursday. It was just a regular check up for the year. Talked with the nurse a little while and expressed my concerns about his weight.  He weighs 56lbs. He’s skinnier than sin. He’s pure skin and bones. The doctor came in and we discussed Nick’s medication for his ADHD. Doctor said he was on a healthy dose of Concerta. And that we shouldn’t raise it anymore than what he’s at right now. Fine. I expressed my concerns for Nickolas’ emotional side. He’s an extremely over-emotional kid. You tell him to do something and he’s crying. Doctor said that was possible side effects from the Concerta and that if it becomes more of a concern we can discuss lowering his dosage. I don’t want to lower his dosage so I guess I will have to deal with the emotional side effects. Then the doctor discussed his weight. He’s in the 40th percentile for his age range for weight. 75th percentile for his height. That means he’s below average for weight, above average for height. Then the doctor told me that he’s only 1lbs under the normal weight. He said if Nick ends up losing 5lbs in the next few months then to come in and we’ll discuss something to do, but otherwise right now he’s not concerned with it. Guess I shouldn’t be either then…

Energy Assistance – As you know, I was REALLY not looking forward to going back down to energy assistance. My Mom came with me this time. I told her we had to get down there early but she didn’t understand. Well, she understood but she didn’t want to get up that early. So she ends up getting at my house at 5:10am. We get going and headed down there. There were already 6 people in line! Shit. We’re gonna be down there for a while I thought to myself. I didn’t realize that people were there to get their taxes done too. So we’re standing there outside waiting… freezing our asses off. It wasn’t all that cold outside, maybe in the 20s-30s. Either way standing outside for 2 hours tends to freeze you more than you realize. So the people come out of the building, hand us our numbers. I am looking at the list of everything you need and notice that Photo ID is on there. I tell my Mom to hold my papers and I go in my wallet to get my ID and social security cards out. I look in my wallet and my ID is no where to be found. FUCK!!! WHERE IS IT?! I start FREAKING out. “I came all the way down here to get turned down because of a stupid photo id!” My Mom’s like settle down Nikkole. But I wasn’t having it. So, I text Mike… I don’t have my ID. I have no idea where it is. I need it! Then I’m searching through my purse some more and not coming up with anything I text him again. “Look in and around the loveseat.” He text me “I got it. I’m headed down there.” RIGHT when they called my number. I couldn’t use my cell phone because they have a strict policy against it. So the lady asks for my photo ID and I act like I’m looking for it and I’m all “Omg. I don’t have it.” She’s like “do you have any form of photo id?” I’m like “I have this?” and I hand her my Sam’s Club membership card. She’s like “That will do.” PHEW!! I thank her a thousand times. Then underneath the table I text Mike that I didn’t need him to come because she used my Sam’s Club membership card. He was already out the door headed down there. So I get everything taken care of. She gives me energy assistance… SUCCESS! I no longer have to worry about this. THANK GOD! So, they paid half of our bill. Which was REALLY high because we haven’t paid it in a few months because things came up. We need to still come up with the other half but at least half of it is covered. So, phew! Its done. Its taken care of. I did it.

SSI Social Security Disability - I received a letter in the mail yesterday from SSI saying something along the lines of “If you want to add any additional information to your case please contact us… something something about a hearing on June 10th, 2012.” Interesting… I’m going to have to get a hold of my attorney to find out what I have to do next. Hopefully they got the letter. I decided I’m going to call them on Monday. That will give them time to get the letter. Hopefully we can add to my case that I lost my job because of my bipolar. Which isn’t a lie… Yes, they laid me off because it was the end of the season, but they also DIDN’T hire me on because I “was never there and didn’t work” because of my bipolar. So, we’ll see what happens next. I only pray every day that this goes through… That would be an extra $200-1200 a month we’d get that would help out SO much. I wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to work. Ugh. Please tell me we’ll get it. My attorney thinks I have a case. That’s worth something, right!?

Alright. I ran out of things to talk about. I know there is a few more things I forgot but I can’t for the life of me remember them now. I’ll edit this post and write more if I can think of what it was.

New Years 2012 Resolutions Proposed Accomplishments

I don’t particularly want to call these resolutions. New Years Resolutions are always things you’d like to do but they’re completely out of the ball park of what you can do. You wind up feeling like a failure because you don’t accomplish them. For that reason, lets not call these resolutions… Let’s call these proposed accomplishments. I plan on doing these! If I don’t do them, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m not going to feel like a failure for not completing these goals. So here they are:

• BLOG MORE!!! One of my resolutions, more like the most important resolution, is to blog more often. I want to blog at least once a week. Although I have no life and my blog posts will consist of me whining about how my kids are driving me crazy and about what chores I did that week, we’ll still try to blog more. I’m hoping out of all my ‘resolutions’ this is the one I stick to the most.
• Lose weight? The question mark is because I don’t plan on losing weight. Meaning, I don’t intend on working on losing weight. I’ve been drinking a lot of water the past few weeks. We’re talking eight or nine 23oz bottles of water a day. I have lost 20lbs. I am not working towards losing weight, its just happening. I’ve been thirsty – that’s why I’m drinking as much water as I have been. So if it happens, it happens. I’m not going to cry or beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.
• Stay stabilized. While I’m not 100% stable, I’m pretty damn close. I don’t have mania, which is the main part. I don’t have depression. Which is normal during the winter months and its winter. I’m just here… I’m still having issues, but I’ll get more in to that later. I just want to stay as stable as I can throughout the year.
• Take my meds as directed. I’m not not taking my meds as directed. I’m definitely not abusing my meds. I just want to continue to take my meds as directed. No skipping days because I don’t feel like being medicated. No  putting off getting my scripts from Walgreen’s because I am being lazy. Just keep up with my scripts, take them as directed, and stay medicated.
• Continue to see my doctors as regularly scheduled. I want to continue seeing my doctors at the normal schedules. No rescheduling appointments because I don’t want to go. No canceling appointments because I don’t feel as though I need to see him (this is particularly for my therapist). Even if I have nothing to say, I need to go to my doctors.

So there you have it… my ‘resolutions’. They’re not over the top. They’re do-able. Notice how “quitting smoking” is not on there. Yea… I’m not setting myself up for that one. I can’t quit smoking until I’m completely stable for a long period of time. I’m not ready for that. So I didn’t add it on there. Like I said, the blogging one is the one I would like to most stick with. Even if I have nothing to say, I can come up with something to post. Whether it be a recipe or an idea, something!

So what else has been going on with lil’ ol’ me?

Not a whole lot to be honest. Like I said above, I’ve been pretty stabilized in my mental health. Which is fabulous! We’ve come down a long, windy road to get to this point. For the most part it feels alright. I’m not super excited about stability because I’m having issues, mainly sleep issues. I’m always tired. I take my ambien around 8pm and by 9-9:30pm I’m ready for bed. So, I go to sleep. I get up 4-5 times a night because I am drinking so much water so I have to use the bathroom. I go right back to sleep after I get up though. I wake up in the morning feeling very tired. I get up with Mike, lock the door after he leaves, then lay back down on the couch until the boys get up. I usually lay there for about 30 minutes. Then I finally drag myself to get up. It usually takes me 2-3 hours to get fully awake after my morning coffee. Then, its nap time for Mikhail. Which means, its nap time for me too. I lay down and I’m like “yes, I can finally sleep!” then what do I do? I just lay there! For two hours I lay there in hopes that I will fall asleep but by this time I’m already wide awake. HMPH! Continuing on, around 4-5pm I’m exhausted again. I want to just go to sleep. I have to get dinner ready though. Then around 7-8pm I’m wide awake again. At this point, I take my ambien and I start the whole process over again.

So, why does me being tired make me dislike the stability? I miss mania, to an extent. When I’m manic I can sleep 1-5 hours a night and be energetic and alert the next day no problem. I get little sleep and I’m fully functional. It almost is like I’m getting too much sleep currently. That or my body is completely not used to getting this much sleep. Which is odd because I’ve been on ambien and on a ‘normal’ sleep schedule for about 8-9 months now. The only downfall to the manic episodes is the irritability and irrational thoughts. Not to mention the racing mind, the inability to sit still, and the rage episodes. Okay, so mania isn’t so great but man I miss sleeping a few hours and being energized!

Not a whole lot else has been going on. I’ve just been being a normal housewife and stay at home mom.

OH! My old job is hiring again. I hope Mike doesn’t expect me to apply. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it but I really hope he doesn’t. They’re never going to hire me back! Not after all the shit I went through with them over the last year. I wouldn’t hire me back! I’m not stable enough to go back to work. I don’t honestly believe I could handle it again. I would end up VTOing every chance I got. I think I like it better being at home. The extra money is nice to have but *smh* its just not do-able right now. So hopefully Mike doesn’t expect me to re-apply. Then I won’t feel like a failure when they don’t call me back. To be honest, if Mike expected me to apply I would probably just tell him I applied so I didn’t get  a call back. No sense in going back to work. I get it… we can barely afford me not working as it is. But I’m still waiting on disability! Although it could be three years before I hear from disability I still have to remain hopeful that maybe one day I will get it.

Alright. I suppose that is all for now. Expect me to write again more in a week or so. Hopefully I have something to say! Me? Have nothing to say? HAHA! That’s funny. We’ll see though. I’m going ot try to stick to this goal!

Yesterday I went to see pdoc. I had my paperwork from work (asking for my leave of absence) ready for him to fill out. He sat down, asked me how I’ve been doing. I told him still manic. He said, “Alright. We’re going to give another medication a try. Have you ever tried Chlorpromazine?” I told him no. He seemed pretty pleased with this choice. He told me he wanted me to start it right away. It would make me drowsy and it would help me sleep. He told me to continue taking all my other medications for now. He said next time he sees me we’ll talk about taking some of the medications away because they’re not needed with Chlorpromazine like my Risperidal & Ambien. Alrighty then.

The prescription stated to take 1-2 tablets before bedtime. So I took lithium, risperidone, ambien, chlorpromazine, and lorazepam. I took two tablets of the chlorpromazine figuring I’d need more than less. Doctor said if it feels like I need it, take 3 tablets. So I figure, try two first. I got a great night of sleep! I woke up extremely drowsy this morning though. THEN my coffee pot took a shit so I couldn’t drink coffee. I didn’t have any soda. NO CAFFEINE !!! What was I to do!?

Mike walked in the door a little late from work and had a coffee pot in hand. *swoons* I love this man. He must have read on facebook that mine took a shit and bought me a new one right away. What an awesome guy, eh?

*sigh* I thought this was going to be a longer entry but I just can’t do it tonight. I’m tired. There’s nothing really left to be said. Nick starts school next Thursday! I can’t wait. =X I need the break from him like he needs to break from me.

Alright. I suppose this will end this post. I’ll write more as soon as more happens.

Great, so I’m super manic-y right now. I VTO (voluntary time off) from work. Which means, I was able to leave work because it was slow without getting in trouble. So, then I called in Monday AND Tuesday. Then I called in today. I just wasn’t feeling right. I had gotten seven hours of sleep in four days.  I was physically exhausted, yet I was wired. Wide awake, jittery. You know how you get when you’re super overtired and you get giggly and talkative. Yup, that’s how I was/am.

So lets see…

mind racing - i think a mile a minute. I talk fast too. Everything about me is ‘speedy’. this makes it hard to concentrate.
loss of concentration & focus – I can’t focus. I’m having the hardest time writing this entry. As much as I’d like to explain exactly whats going on, I just don’t know how much I’ll be able to type.
wired/jittery – key words: caffeine pills and mountain dew… if you’ve ever taken too much caffeine you know how this feels.
tremors – my hands are shaking a lot. Sometimes my entire body gets shaky.
no sleep - like previously stated, I’m getting maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at night. I’m not tired during the day. Physically and mentally exhausted, but not tired.
“rage attacks” -  this is what I call them. I’m irritable. Any little thing sets me off and I’m in full blown rage mode. I scream. I yell. I start fights. I say things I don’t mean. This is VERY BAD.
can’t drive – I’m not supposed to be driving with this. I don’t trust myself to drive during this. I speed way too much. You know how when you drive you can just tell how fast you are going? Well, during a manic episode like this, I tend to speed A LOT! It takes a lot of concentration for me to drive safely and normally.

So that’s what I’m dealing with. I’m sure there is more but I just can’t think of any thing else right now. Right now, I’m freaking out. Tomorrow after I call in to work (again) I have to go in and talk to my boss. This is by choice. I can just continue to call in and hope I have a job, but I figured it would be better to go in and talk to him first. I’m going to ask for a leave of absence. I doubt they’re going to give me one because its almost the end of season and I’ll be fired by October anyways. I’m literally FREAKING OUT about it. I’m scared they’re going to tell me no. They’re going to tell me to just work with them and continue to come in and VTO. I’m going to tell them straight out. I can’t file locates.

Okay… our job is semi-important. We file locate requests. We take information about where a person will be digging, send it out to a locator company, they come in, read our directions, and mark the underground facilities. Lets say, I don’t do my job correctly. I screw up because I’m on total manic-mode. The locator goes out, marks the wrong spot. The person who called then goes and digs thinking everything is marked correctly. BAM! He hits a gas line and explodes. I know, that sounds elaborate and a little far fetched. But it happens more than you think. Its important that I do my job well, the first time. Unfortunately, I’m unable to do that at this time.  I just don’t know how understanding they’re going to be seeing as the season is almost over.

So what does my pdoc say about all this? Nothing… I haven’t talked to him. I left a message on Wednesday of last week. He’s not in the office until Tuesday. I spoke with another doctor that was on call and they said if it gets worse, go to the hospital. I refuse to do that again. I will not go back there. I won’t. You can’t make me go. It was just plain awful when I was there last time.

*Sigh* Alright. I honestly can’t think of what else to write. And it took a lot for me to get this down… I’ll post again soon. I have to tell you all about state fair and post pictures with it. Goodnight everyone. May you all sleep better than I have.

So, Tuesday was my busiest day by far. I had two appointments. One with my therapist, the other with my pdoc (psychiatrist).

The therapy appt went well. We talked about how my attorney is planning an appeal (read more about that here), how well Mike and I are doing, my struggles with work, etc. He said I seemed very “off” and not fully there. Which I am. I am very off lately. I can’t describe it. Its like I’m not high on a manic episode, and I’m not riding low in depression. I’m just in the middle but not normal. I’m just here. I told him I wanted to go to work to speak to my old boss. He said I seemed distracted and he’d let me go early so I can get that done.

So, I went to talk to my old boss. A little back story behind this man. He used to be like a second dad to me. He was caring, kind, and understanding of any situation I’ve been in. He used to be my boss when I worked at my job three years ago. He’s not my boss now that I’m back because I’m second shift now. I haven’t seen him since I’ve been back because of my hours. I came in to talk to him. Visit with him. Just see how things are going. Ya know? Show him I still care.

So, we walk in his office and he goes “Ms. Buczek how are you?”

“Things are alright, but I got to be honest, I’m struggling.”

“Please sit down, shut the door.” He pulls out a chair that’s close to him. “Whats going on Nikkole?”

“Things are rough right now. I’m having a hard time doing this job. As you know I have bipolar disorder and its the worse its ever been. I’ve been struggling to cope with it. Things aren’t what they used to be. I can’t file locates the correct way. I can’t get a perfect QA for the life of me. I’m just… just having a real rough time.”

“I had no idea. I’m sorry things are so tough for you. Whats got you hooked? What are you struggling with?”

“Well, to give you an idea of whats happening. When I spell back callers names I’ve always get it wrong. Its like I’m hearing them but its not processing in my head enough to get it written down and spelled back right. Then while, lets say, I’m in the dig location tab and I’m reading off the street names I’ll go in to verbiage. Silly things like that.”

“So you’re not focused. Having a hard time concentrating.”

“Exactly. My mind races with bipolar and I have a hard time focusing on anything I’m doing because things in my head are going so fast.” So, I go on explaining to him what I’m struggling with and how I’m trying to do the best I can and what have you.

He sits forward and looks me in the eyes and goes, “Nikkole, can you do this job?”

“I’d like to think I can do this job.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

I sit back for a while. A good few minutes pass without a word being said and I look at him and say, “No. I can’t. Not to the standards you’re looking for.”

The next 10-15 minutes or so are blurry to me. I don’t know or remember what was said exactly. Here’s the jist of what is being said.

“What are you doing about this Nikkole?”

“I’m VTOing, a lot. Anytime I feel like I’m getting bad or I can’t take a call or I fear I’m going to get irrate with a caller, I VTO.

He tells me, “I take this as your resignation then. You can’t do your job. Then why are you here. I take that as you’re quitting.”

I’m taken back by this. “I had no intentions of quitting sir. That’s not why I came in here. I just wanted someone to know what was going on in case my tickets weren’t as good as they were when I was last here. I just wanted it to be known.” I’m near tears at this point.

“Well, let me talk to Ben and Kera” Ben is the VP of the company. Kera is head of Human Resouces. “and we’ll go from there. We’ll see what they have to say. Do you want to quit? We’re not doing layoffs for quite some time.”

“I’d much rather you fire me, or lay me off than me quit. My boyfriend would kill me to know that I’m here talking to you about this.”

“I understand completely. Let me talk to them and see what they have to say. You understand my stand point for things. You’re basically telling me you can’t do your job…”

“No. I understand completely. You got to look at this from a business side of view. Just keep in contact with me and let me know what happens.”

With that, we shook hands and I was sent on my merry way. Completely unsure what the hell just happened. I mean, did I just quit my job? Mike is going to kill me. What am I going to do?

I head to Lynn’s (Mike’s Mom) house because she was watching Mikhail for me. I tell her what happened and tell her she’s not allowed to tell Mike. I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was just in complete shock that I just did that. Me and my damn big mouth. Son of a bitch. Now I have no job. Who knows if they’ll welcome me back when MIkhails in school and I can work during the week. Ugh! So, I sit like that for about two hours. Just completely beside myself unsure of whats going to happen or what to do.

Two hours later, he calls me. “Hey Nikkole its _______. I talked to Ben and Kera and I wanted to let you know we feel its best you just continue to VTO when things get rough. You have to promise me you’ll try your hardest and do the best you can. It was a pleasure to see you again Nikkole. I hope things get better for you. Don’t be a stranger to me. Do me one last thing, give Matt a chance.” Matt is my boss. I don’t trust him like I trust Dave. Its not the same to talk to him like I talk to Dave. But I’ll give him a chance. I thanked Dave for everything. Told him I would do my best to work out everything.

I literally fell back and  nearly had a heart attack. I couldn’t believe it. I got to keep my job! Can you believe it?! I couldn’t. I had my job. Now I have to bust my ass to not get fired. Eyes are going to be on me a little more now. They’re going to be watching my every move now. Phew…

After all that excitement I went to my pdoc appointment. This was just a normal appointment. He wanted to start off with getting a profile. Moodswings? Check. Irritability? Check. Depression? Check. Crying Spells? Unable to cry.  Focus? Unable to focus? Staying on task? Unable to. Impulsiveness? Spending. Trouble sleeping? Check. Mind racing? Check.

“Ok Nikkole, what’s going on?”

“How do I say this…?”

“Sexual dysfunction?”

“YES!”

“Unable to climax?”

“Yes! Also low sex drive.”

“It is common with the type of anti-depressant you’re on. We will try Nortriptyline. It shouldn’t give you such harsh effects if any in that department.

Thank god. I haven’t had an orgasm in over two months. Do you know how incredibly frustrating it is to have a high sex drive, whose boyfriend has a high sex drive also, and have the ability to reach orgasm, if not two or three or more every time to go to NOTHING. Ugh! Let me tell you its frustrating as hell!

So now, what medications am I on? This is more for my reference than your knowledge.

AM: 2 lithium, 1 risperidal, 1/2 celexa
PM: 3 lithium, 1 nortriptyline, 2 risperidal, 1 ambien
Next week, I will be eliminating celexa, and adding 1 nortriptyline.

That is my current medication cocktail. So far, that’s whats keeping me sane and from killing my kids. Not literally, but you know what I mean.

Finally, the sims 3. As I wrote in my previous entry Mike bought me two Sims 3 stuff packs. Town Life and High End Loft. Well, High End Loft stuff installed no problems. Fine and dandy, great! I put in Town Life and the disk spun and made really loud noises. It was ridiculous. So I take the game back to Target, and they exchange for a new game. I bring it home, it does the same thing. I do this once more, end result is still the same. Disk is blank.

So, I go to play the Sims, and it says I have an update I have to do. Alright. So, I install the update, and I get an error. It won’t install the update. WTF!? Nothing will work. So, I uninstall the sims. I’ll just reinstall it. While I’m installing it I get a redundancy error. Uh oh! That’s not good. So I’m like, great, I’m going to have to reformat the hard drive and go back to factory settings.

I reformat the hard drive. I go to install the game. I get the redundancy error again! WTF! WHY IS IT DOING THIS?! I reformatted the freakin’ hard drive there is no reason why I should get an error. So I start searching online for tips on how to get through this. I find a post on a message board that says defrag your hard drive and it should work. So, I do this. Remind you I’m on my 2nd day of dealing with this shit. I love this game though I can’t not play… I must play. Defrag doesn’t work.

Alright. I’m going to reformat my hard drive ONE last time. I stay up late, I reformat it. First thing I do when I get the computer back up and running is I install the disk. Nothing but errors. SCREW THIS! I contact EA and tell them what happens. They give me a digital copy of the base game. Saweet. So, all I have to do is download the digital copy and I can install it. If this doesn’t work I’m going to give up on all hope to play the Sims. Which would have made me a VERY sad panda.

After nearly 9 hours, the download is complete. The game installs flawlessly. VICTORY! So, I excitedly start installing my expansion packs. First one, no problem. Second one, ERRORS! You’ve GOT to be kidding me. So I read on the post on the message boards if when you get the error, you eject the disk, wait a second, insert the disk, wait a few moments then click ok. You keep doing this until the install is done. According to her, her game never crashed once after doing this. So, I do this method, it works. Phew!

So, we go to Target today, and I exchange my other stuff pack for a final time! This will be my FOURTH disk. I tell them, if this doesn’t work, what do I do? She tells me contact the manufacture. Alright. So I come home. I try it. It doesn’t work! UGH! Nothing but problems the last 3 days trying to install the sims. I just want to play my game!!! So, I contact EA again. I tell them whats going on. Every time I buy one of your disks, its blank. Can I have a digital copy of the game? After a little bit of finesse they give in and give me one. So, its finally done. Everything is installed. I have it all on my computer once again. I just have to try playing it to see if it crashes because of doing what I said I did above with the ejecting the disk and such.  I’ll try playing tomorrow. So here’s to crossing fingers and toes to make sure that it works correctly.

Alright folks, I’m awfully tired after wring this long ass post. Thanks in advance for any comments. I’ll try to write back ASAP.

So, last I wrote I had a disability hearing in front of a judge along with my attorney. I recieved word about two weeks ago that they were denying my case. again! *sigh* So what does this mean? It means I have to wait for my attorney to figure out whether or not they feel as though I have a case to appeal it. I waited about a week and a half and they finally gave me word. They said there is reasons to believe the case should be appealed. They filed my appeal and the next step is waiting. It could take 6 to 36 months before I hear anything back. Yep. A possibility of three years. Fucking lovely. So until then, I have to work a maximum of $1000/month. FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS! How on earth am I supposed to make a living working so little?

Its alright though. I can’t work more than that now as is anyways. My bipolar disorder is too rough for me to cope right now and I’m having a VERY hard time at work. I’m speeding through the call, making tons of mistakes. When I get something like a last name, I’m repeating it back wrong. I can’t get a perfect QA (quality assurance) for the life of me. I barely stay my entire shift. As matter of fact, I only work 15 hours a week, I am lucky if I make 10 of those hours a week. We have a thing called VTO (voluntary time off). When you start your shift, or whenever actually, you can sign up for what time you want to leave. If its slow and no ones getting calls the managers allow the people that signed up for VTO to go home. Needless to say, I sign up almost every day. Is painfully addicting. Even when I know I have a wedding to save for, and bills to pay, I leave. I just can’t cope.

So that’s what s going on with disability. Just another waiting game to see if I’ll qualify for it. Basically, they don’t want to have to pay me for it. Not only would I be getting a check but both the kids would be getting a check every month too. They don’t want to have to pay that.

So, what’s going on today? Since I’ll be writing on a daily/weekly basis I suppose I can tell you how I’m doing right now. I’m dealing. I just got Mikhail down for a much needed nap. Nickolas is over at a little boys house in the apartment building. I haven’t seen much of him lately. He’s been gone playing at one apartment or another. Mike and I are doing well. His truck is still out of commission. Which is entirely frustrating because I would really like my car back. He takes my car to work with him during the day. I take the car to work with me at night. We need two vehicles. What happens if something happens to one of the kids and they have to go to the hospital? He’s really touchy about it. I asked him about it yesterday and he practically bit my head off. I won’t be doing that again. Hopefully someday soon he’ll have it all fixed up. Then he can sell it for all I care. I just want my car back. Dammit, I paid with my own money for that car. Its mine.

Well, that concludes today’s entry. Leave comments if you’d like. More comments I get the more likely I’ll continue to update. Look at me, basically begging for comments. Pitiful. Oh well, that’s me. ^_^

For the most part, I enjoy being a parent. I’m not going to lie though, there are times where I down right hate it. I’m a young mom, having Nick at 16, I understand the struggles of being a teenage mom dealing with the hardships of parenting. Being that I have bipolar disorder also it makes things real difficult at times. Here are a few things that I deal with that I honestly believe will drive me to an ultimate insanity.

1. Mikhail’s obsession with the kitchen. We have a baby gate in both doorways of our kitchen. One you can walk through, and one you cannot walk through. Mikhail isn’t heavy enough to open the gate that you can walk through. Instead, he jumps on the lever until he builds enough momentum to get through. There are two things about the kitchen that drive me nuts.
   • Mikhail will take the dining room chair, very carefully through the gate. He will then turn on the light. Move the chair to play in the running faucet and any dishes that are in the sink until he is completely covered head to toe in water. This drives me nuts.
   • The following thing that Mikhail does in the kitchen is the main reason why I’m writing this blog post in the first place. Words cannot express how annoyed I become having to deal with this every 20 minutes on a daily basis. Mikhail is indecisive. He will pull me in to the kitchen. Since he does not talk he will point to the light switch. I will turn on the light. He will then ask to be picked up and placed on the counter top to be near the snack cabinet. He will turn on the over the stove light and fan. He will open the cabinets and stare in them for 10 minutes. He will then turn around, look at me, and grunt like he wants something. I then have to pick up each item, one by one, and show him. Chips? I show to him. He shakes his head or says no. Crackers? Nooo. Twenty-five items later. He has said no to all of them. He’s not down though. He wants to do it again. Fifteen minutes has passed and I begin this all over again. Chips? He grabs for them. SUCCESS! He points to a bowl. I give him some chips. He comes off the counter top. Takes his bowl and goes in to the other room. So, I’m ecstatic that’s over. But wait, half an hour later, what does he do? He drags me in to the kitchen and does it all over again. I seriously have to do this over 50 times a day. This drives me so crazy words cannot describe how nuts I get.
2. Nick’s noise level. I know “Boys will be boys.” but OMG. Nickolas’ noise level is through the roof. I can hear him no matter what room I am in.  He doesn’t talk, he screams. When he’s not screaming his words he’s screaming at the top of his lungs. This drives me nuts.
3. Nick’s inability to clean his room. “Go clean your room” is the biggest task in the world to him. To Nick, it means go in your room, pick up exactly three items. Place them in a different spot of the room. Come back out in the living room and say “its clean”. We, in return, say, “Go back in there and clean it right.” Now, repeat this process over forty times before you have to physically get up and go in his room and point at every single toy, tell him to pick that item up, tell him where it goes, and repeat until clean. This is more than likely due to his ADHD but still, it drives me nuts.
4. Nick’s inability to follow simple, direct commands. “Nick, pick up the box behind you.” He will bend down and look in front of him. “No, Nick, BEHIND YOU.” He will look to his sides still bent over. “NICKOLAS BEHIND YOU. THE BOX BEHIND YOU!!!” He will look around and say, “There is no box, Mom.” Livid, you yell, “NICKOLAS LISTEN TO WHAT I AM TELLING YOU. THERE IS A BOX BEHIND YOU. TURN AROUND. LOOK DOWN. NOW PICK UP THE BOX!” *smacks forehead* This happens all the time, for every very direct command or request you give to him.
5. Mikhail’s inability to fall asleep on his own. Mikhail refuses to go to sleep on his own. Now, the kids have a TV in their room. One in which they watch before bed. I have no problem with this. The noise soothes them and usually keeps them asleep through the night. If it helps keep them asleep, whatever I don’t care.  With that being said, here is how every single night’s routine happens.  Around 8pm, the boys are in bed. That is the rule. I place Mikhail in his crib, Nick under the covers. I go to walk out the door and close it slightly behind me. Then I hear it, blood curdling screaming. *sigh* I turn back around, and see Mikhail pointing on Nick’s bed. Here we go for another night. I lay down in bed next to Nickolas, I place my hand through the crib bars. Mikhail will then lay his head down on my open palm. He’ll watch tv for a while. Nick usually passes right out. If after twenty-thirty minutes pass and he doesn’t seem to be going to sleep anytime soon, I get up, turn off the tv. I will lay back down next to Mikhail, place my hand underneath his head and wait. Usually waiting occurs for anywhere between twenty minutes to two hours. It depends on how restless he is, and how much he’s fighting his sleep. I wish I could break him of this. This drives me nuts.

Now, before you want to bash me for my thoughts on MY parenting…
Please take note, I understand my parenting techniques aren’t the greatest, but I’m young, and I’m learning. I also am well under the impression I need more patience. I suffer from bipolar disorder, which includes an extreme case of rage. I have anger issues. I take pills for it. I’m working on it. So with that being said, what are your thoughts? What are your annoyances with parenting.

I’ll be including more segments of this newest article on Eternal Amour. Thanks for letting me rant and rave. More coming soon !

• Set up a weekly schedule for chores and stick to it.
• Continue “me” time by going to play Bingo with my Mom or going to spend time at the stores
• Stay stable
• Take meds as directed, don’t forget
• Lose 5lbs a month (anything more will be a bonus) – continue Wii Active 30 day challenge
• Continue to prepare for school mornings every night. Pack lunches, set out clothes, etc.
• Continue to go to all appointments
• Wean self from soda – or at least cut back
• Believe you’re doing OK as a Mom, or even think you’re doing good.
• Get over self doubt! Build up confidence.
• STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF!
• Web Design! It relieves stress, it calms you, and you get a sense of accomplishment.
• Make a schedule for your interests & hobbies. This way you’re never overwhelmed, distracted, or disappointed but be flexible.
• Either forgive your family for what they’ve put you through and accept who they are or move on and get over it

Goals with the Kids

• Spend time with both kids – separately or together
• Let the kids figure it out for themselves
• Show positive attitude
• Praise good behavior
• Let fights run their course, only step in if they are going to kill each other.
• Have a weekly movie night to spend time with everyone
• GET UP IN THE MORNING! Get Nick off to school, no laying back down.
• Alternate bath nights between the kids.
• No dinner? Peanut butter sandwich. No exceptions. Stick to the rule.
• Show Patience
• Homework should be done immediately. Do not accept excuses

Goals with Mike

• Express emotions and feelings with each other
• A date night? Not possible with no sitter, so scratch that… I’d like to spend more time together though.
• Believe this. He loves you. You matter to him. Don’t doubt his love. Cherish his affection.

Outside Goals

• (repeat) Go to bingo or to the store to be more social

I recently increased my Risperidal to 4MG from 2MG. I started to feel restlessness in my entire body. You know restless leg syndrome, I was feeling restless body syndrome. It was really bad. I called my doctor and told him about what I was experiencing. He told me to start taking Benadryl to counter the side effects of the Risperidal. So, I started to add Benadyl to my cocktail of medication and I got increasingly worse. I sped up. It was like a manic episode I’ve never experienced before. I can describe it two ways to you all.

1. I felt like I was on 30000000MG of speed. I’ve never taken speed but I can assume this is how it felt.

2. You know how when you’re 20 minutes late, and you just realize you have to run out the door. You have about 15 items you have to grab from various parts of the house. The adrenaline rush you feel going through that. The go go go I have to move fast… I felt like that for three days straight.

I called my doctor again and told him my newest symptoms. He didn’t say much other than it didn’t sound like side effects from the Risperidal and if I get any worse I should go to the hospital.

I got to a point where I called my Mom and she couldn’t understand a single word I was saying to her. I was talking so fast that I was speaking gibberish. I went to her house and my hands were shaking. I’m not talking tremors, I’m talking as though I was seizuring.  Finally, I called the hospital and went through the phone evaluation and registration. They gave me a call back and told me that I should come in. I asked how long I would be there, they said, usually a week. I started crying. I went over to Lynn’s house (mike’s mom) and told her. She started rearranging her schedule with Mike so they could take off work while I went in. I told Mike they wanted me to come in at 1:30pm and cried to him because I wouldn’t even be able to say good-bye to him. He told me he’d be home soon. I got another phone call from the hospital asking if I could change my check-in time to 4:00pm. Mike came to his Mom’s house and we left the baby there to go home while I packed my bag.

I packed everything really quickly and jumped in the shower. I got out and Mike was really sad. I told him, “I need for you to be strong for me. You can do this. You can take care of the kids and you’re going to be great.” We ended up just standing there holding each other. I was hysterical at this point. I didn’t want to leave him or the kids. He told me, “I need for you to go. Go there, get better. Get better for yourself. Do this for me, please for once, just be selfish and get better for yourself. If you’re selfish this once you can get better and come back to us. Please do this for me. We did everything right. You took the medicine like you were supposed to. You seen the doctors like you were scheduled. Sometimes, we just need a little more help.” This of course made me cry more. I couldn’t believe how supportive he was being.

Long story short, we shared a lot of tears and sadness about my departure for what was supposed to be a week long trip to the hospital. He dropped me off at the hospital and I checked in. I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe I was expecting something completely different from what I experienced when I was 13 and went to one of these hospitals. I checked in after an hour of waiting. I was introduced to my nurse and the staff. I walked in to the main room where the television was and where everyone was eating and began to have a panic attack. I didn’t want to be near these people! These people are insane! I’m not insane. I’m just having a bad reaction to my meds, why the hell am I here?! I got taken to my room and all my belongings were there. They took away my notebook, pens, and markers. I bought a weeks worth of clothes, three books, and coloring book with crayons too. Those items weren’t taken away though. I laid down on my bed and just cried for a little while. I didn’t know what the hell I got myself in to.

I went out to the front desk and asked if I could make a phone call. They handed me the phone and expected me to make a personal call with them standing right there. I called Mike and told him I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay there. They expected me to have a room-mate. I can’t have room-mates. I can’t be around people. I can only watch tv in a room filled with these crazy people. Mike asked me to please stay and get better. I argued that I felt fine. My symptoms were gone! I got off the phone with him and went back to my room to think it over. If I have felt fine all day today, then why stay? My panic attack was growing increasingly worse. I called Mike again and told him I was coming home. I asked the nurse, while on the phone with him, how I go about leaving. She told me she’d explain when I got off the phone.

She gave me the run down of the procedure… “You understand that you’ll be leaving against doctors orders. We have 24 hours to request a doctor to see you. Within 24 hours, you will be released. Just so you’re aware there is a chance the insurance company won’t cover the charges for this visit if you leave this way, etc etc.”

I told her I didn’t care, I just wanted to go home. We signed the paperwork at 6:30pm. Within 24 hours of then, I would be home to my boys and to my man. I went back to my room and just started reading. That’s all I wanted to do was read. I read for another hour or so before I grew bored. The lithium was causing my internal temperature to rise and my room felt like it was 900°F, I asked if they could turn the heat down in the room but it did no good. My room-mate showed up and was throwing a massive fit. She was there against her will and was going to make time there a living hell for whoever she crossed paths with. I tried to stay out of the room while she was in there.

They came in with my medication around 8pm. They gave me some sleeping pill which did absolutely nothing. The heat in my room and being in a scary place alone caused me to toss and turn for what seemed like forever. I finally dosed off and my room-mate came in slamming doors and throwing her fit. I was so aggravated. After two hours or so, I went back to sleep.

6:30am the next morning we had a knock on the door. It was a nurse there to take bloodwork. I rolled over and sat up in bed still groggy and unawake. The nurse couldn’t find the vein so she poked me four different times. Great way to be woken up, I tell ya. After she left, I went in to the main room got some coffee and since no one was out there I watched the news. Today was gonna be the day I was going to go home!

I talked to the morning nurse who read through my chart and wanted to hear my story. I explained to her why I wanted to go home and told her I felt great. Which was the truth, I didn’t have any Benadryl, which I believe is the culprit to why I sped up in the first place. She told me that the doctor wouldn’t be around until 11am – 1:30pm. She said I should attend some group therapy sessions and get the most out of the time I’m going to spend there.

I ended up in my room nearly the entire day reading. I went to three group therapy sessions just to pass the time faster. The doctor didn’t come and see me until 2pm. I explained to him what happened and told him that I felt great. He explained that it would be beneficial if I were to stay there and they’d monitor my medication closely while being there. I told him I just wanted to go home. He asked me to take back my discharge that I signed the previous night. I told him I wouldn’t do it unless I was promised I was going home. He promised me I was going to go home today and I signed whatever paperwork he wanted me to sign. The reason he discharged me without me going against doctors orders was so the insurance company paid for my visit. It was really nice of him in fact.

Around 4:30pm, I called Mike and got released. I walked to his truck with all three of my boys in tow. I gave Mike the biggest hug I could while being in a truck and told him how much I missed him.

I know it sounds crazy. You were only away from him for 24 hours. That was too much for us. Of course I missed the kids too but not like I missed Mike. It was indescribable how I felt being away from him. The fact that we’ve been together nearly six years and still feel this way about each other astonishes me. I don’t know where I’d be without him and he feels exactly the same way as I do.

… so a lot more happened but I’m really tired. I wrote a lot here. There’s my hospital stay. Hopefully now that I am slowly starting to feel like myself I’ll start posting more and keeping you all up to date.

That way, when I have a new doctor and they ask “Have you ever taken ___?” I can tell him yes or no by doing a simple search here. I’ve also been doing pretty good with keeping track of side effects and stuff.

If anyone is actually reading this – please note – I’ve been kinda outta it lately. All day today I have felt like I was in a dazed and confused state of mind. So, a LOT of what I’ve been writing hasn’t been making much sense. I’ve been losing my train of thought very easily so bare with me. Okay?

So, I went to see the pdoc, or psychiatrist, today. I told him about how Seroquel was causing me nothing but problems. 50MG of Seroquel was causing me extreme rage and no sleep. 50+-100MG was causing me to sleep for over 15-18 hours a day! Way too much to function. Thankfully I was playing around with dosage of Seroquel while Mike was home for the weekend so I could sleep. Otherwise, I would have been screwed.

So, he checked my blood work to see where my lithium levels were. I was only at a 0.4. He said ideally I should be at a 1.0 – 1.5, so I have a lot to increase. He wants to increase me low and slow. So, he told me to take 1200MG of Lithium instead of 900MG. He wants me to check my blood again on Monday. So, in about a week or so I’ll go get my blood work done again and see where it is from there.

He also told me that he wanted me to stop Seroquel at once and he was going to put me on:

Risperdal at 1MG starting

Ambien at 10MG starting

He said that this mixture of Risperdal, Ambien, and Lithium should be my best bet in getting me stable. He said that it’s no wonder Lithium hasn’t done a lot. I told him that I have noticed a change already though. I have been a lot more calm. My rage attacks are still there but not as frequent. They’re still very intense though, that’s where the Risperdal comes in.  He said that it should directly help with my rage and slow down my extreme angry. He gave me a small dose of Ambien to take to help sleeping. He told me if I lay down and after 45 minutes I’m still tossing and turning then to take it.

In a sense, I’m kinda scared to take it because of all the nonsense I’ve heard about it. I’m going to follow doctors orders and just do as he’s told me. I’m going to be sure to try to sleep without it first though.

… with that being said, my next topic. My attorney’s meeting is on Thursday. Three more days away. I’m super nervous… anxiety really. Okay, to be honest, I’m FREAKING the fuck out. What happens if he comes and talks to me and says, “I cannot help you.” Or what if he like thinks I’m a psychopath!? What if he comes and says, “Suuuuuure you’re nuts, but you’re intelligent so I don’t see why you can’t work!?”

I keep telling myself, “They interviewed you on the phone, Nikkole. She said she thinks they can help you. So, calm down and know that they already believe they can help you so don’t think they’ll come saying they can’t.” … Can I listen to that? Absolutely not! I mean, I don’t believe I’ll get disability without an attorney. Without an attorney, I’m going to just continue to appeal, and appeal, and go to court, and cry my eyes out that I really need help, and appeal… and then ultimately get denied and then be left to fend for myself! I just can’t take that!!! It’s bad enough I have family members that believe I have absolutely no business even applying for disability because I don’t deserve it or need it.

1. I wouldn’t have applied if my doctor didn’t tell me that I would get it.

2. I wouldn’t have applied if I really needed it. Do I believe I can work, not a chance… I mean, yes, I can get a job, but its a matter of keeping the job! I mean, my rage attacks? Who the hell thinks I’d be able to keep a job with the rage attacks I have. I get pissed off ONCE and I’d go off on a customer or on my boss! How about when I’m depressed and I give a flying fuck about anyone.

So with that being said … I completely loss train of thought. :| Fuck. That’s all I really needed to say.

New meds. Check.
Attorney appointment on Thursday. Check.
Freaking the fuck out … Check. Check.