I had a therapy appointment on Tuesday. I always cringe at the thought of going to therapy. If it wasn’t for disability I’d stop going all together. I don’t get absolutely no benefits from going. I have been seeing the man for two years and we’ve never had any ‘revelations’ or real break thrus. *rolls eyes* So what’s the point? *sigh*I have to keep going. I have to at least keep going until I know what’s going on with disability. My attorney told me to continue on with seeing my doctors so I am seeing my doctors. Therapist even asked me, TWICE, whether or not I was going back to work. “So, you’re uhm, you have no plans on returning to work anytime soon?”  I explained to him, if I return to work, I’m going to only be able to work up to $1000 per month. So what’s the point? If I hear back from disability and they deny me once again then I’ll stop perusing it for now and move on. The possibility of returning to work will be a little greater. Until then, stop asking me!!! Would it shut them up to say “No, I’m going to continue being a SAHM.”? I have to keep going. I have to keep going. I HAVE TO KEEP GOING!!! Hmph. Moving along…

So, this weekend we are going up to Mike’s Grandparents’ house for the weekend. Nickolas calls it the “red house” because they own a cottage on the lake – its red. Mike’s Grandparents place is up the driveway across the street. So they own the properties on both sides of the street. I have to pack tonight (along with a shit ton of other stuff that needs to be done). I wrote out a list of all the shit we need. Four people, for 2 days, equals 1 ‘duffle’ bag which is bigger. A laptop bag, because I want to bring my laptop so I have something to do say after the kids go to bed… I want to pixel basically. Grandma and Grandpa don’t have internet so I won’t have the ability to do that but I will be able to pixel. So, all the basic stuff I have to pack, shirts, shorts, pants, socks, underwear, flip flops, etc. Plus, I have to pack the pharmacy in which we have: Nick’s medication, ALL my medications, Mike’s medications (his saline rinse stuff, nose spray, pills, etc), plus Mikhail’s allergy medication just in case, AND cold medicine just in case. While town is only 20-30 minutes away, we’re only going ot be there two days so I’d rather be prepared with this stuff than have to go “Oh crap, I need to run to Walgreen’s now we all have to jump in the van and go. It should be a good time. The boys usually really enjoy it up there. I’ve personally never stayed in Grandma and Grandpa’s house so I have no idea how this is gonna go. The unknown of this kinda makes me worry and/or not want to go, but that’s just because I don’t know what it’s going to be like. Oh well we will see how it goes… I’ll blog about it when I return, maybe on Monday or something. We’ll see.

We’re going back up to the cottage in July, during my birthday, for a week or so. That will be a laid back week. We will be there for a whole week (or at least most of a week, I haven’t quite figured out what’s going on with that yet. It all depends on Mike’s vacation time and such).  I like it when we stay up there for a longer period of time. You disconnect from the world (there’s no internet, and most of the time your phone doesn’t have signal). Its just sun, fun, swimming in the lake, sun bathing on the pier, reading old magazines, snacking on food all day long, and being so worn out from the fresh air that you sleep heavenly. It took me a while to get used to being up there without Mike. (Usually he could not get off work for all the day we’d be up there, so he’d come up on the weekends and I’d be there with Mike’s parents or just his Mom for the entire time.)

Pixeling has been going well… I have, somewhat, been coming up with things to pixel. The website (Dreamy Designs) has been coming along nicely. I had the site originally in i-frames. Which was great. Until I went to add a “donate” pay pal button in the menu and when you’d click on the pay pal button it would open in the menu frame and not show up entirely so it was a wreck. So last night I spent about an hour converting the entire thing to DIV layout. Everything looks the same – minus the “frame” or box I had around the menu and main content window… *shrugs* What are you gonna do? It looks alright. It might not be 100% valid but its closer than it was. I’m going to work some more on the characters I made… “puffies” and “rosies” they have like 8 different animals in 16 different poses or something like that. I want to make clothes for them and other various things to add to the set before selling it.

As for what my plans are for the rest of the day… they’re busy. I’m surprised I’m taking the time to blog in the first place because I have so much to do. First off, Mike requested I do some laundry because he needed some things washed. Which was fine… so I started that this morning. Soon as Nickolas got off on the bus, I started it. I honestly HATE laundry!!! I hate it now that I don’t have my own washer and dryer that is. I’ve stated this before… at our old [ghetto] apartment we had a washer and dryer hook-ups right in unit. It was in the hallway between the bedrooms and the living room. VERY CONVENIENT!!! NOOOOOW, I have to go downstairs to the basement, and pay $2.75 a load for laundry. Ridiculous! Preposterous! Nuts… Oh well, what are you gonna do? The apartment we’re in now is bigger. It’s maintained, well kept, just all in all, better.

During laundry, my Mom will be coming over with my niece for a little while. She will be visiting. She will not be cleaning or helping with anything today. I already told her there’s nothing for her to do so she can come and just relax. (Giving her more of a reason to come instead of making excuses why she can’t.) Mikhail and Milli will be able to play for a while together while Mom and I talk and have some adult conversation (YAY) Haha. That reminds me… poor Lynn… I talk her ear off whenever I’m over there because I don’t get a lot of people to talk to so when I see someone I’m like blah blah blah blah blah – etc.

Tonight, once Nickolas and Mike comes home, we will be headed to the grocery store. I don’t know if Mike’s going to let me get everything on my list or if he’s going to tell me to wait before getting everything and just get what we need for tonight since we won’t be home all weekend. *shrugs* We will see… he’ll probably tell me to wait for everything else and just get what we need for tonight. He needs to get everything to make eclair torte which he needs for work.

After that we have packing to do… LOTS of packing to do. OH JOY!!! I absolutely LOVE packing. It’s my most favorite thing to do of all time! I don’t know how much more I can make that sound as sarcastic as I can. Packing sucks. I never know what to pack. Do I pack according the weather? Do I pack extra clothes because I have boys and they will destroy everything they’re in? Do I pack this or that? OMG I HATE IT. I also hate packing so much where it looks like I packed my entire house and then people are like “you don’t need that much!” Hmph. It’s a lose/lose situation.

What else? Anything else? Hmm… My mood has been better. For the most part at least. I’m not beating myself up over everything as much as I was before. It’s still there but just not as much. My bipolar for the most part has stabilized – compared to what it was when we first started this whole process two years ago. So it’s a start. I’m still scared to return to work. I still think I need disability. I don’t think I’m cured… I think I’m FAR FROM CURED. I’m not going to get a job just to quit that job because I can’t handle it. I’m not wasting people’s time… ya know?

In two days, I will have been quit smoking for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! Other than right now because I’m talking about it, I haven’t even had a craving in the past three days. Not once. Smoking crossed my mind but it wasn’t a craving. It was just a “oh, I used to smoke.” type of thing. Its a miracle! NOW, with that being said, IF Mike were to give me permission to have a cigarette again, I would, in a fucking heart beat. Isn’t that sad?? After all my hard work and all that I’ve been through I would still smoke in a heart beat if given permission to do so. *sigh* Its pitiful really.

Alright. I suppose that’s all for now. I have to change Mikhail’s diaper – OH! POTTY TRAINING!!! That’s a fucking joke! A little back story …

Mikhail out of NO WHERE went in to the bathroom and sat on the potty. He went potty, pee and poop, that day. He was doing great for like three days. THEN IT STOPPED. That was like 6 months ago. Since then we’ve bought underwear and pull-ups. Since then he has gone on the potty, sporadically, for the past few months. Meaning he will go on the potty once, one day, and then not do it again for a week or two. UGHHH!!! So, Mike’s Mom is like “do what we did with Nickolas, put him in underwear and once he feels that wet on him he won’t like it and will go on the potty.” I did that. Mikhail peed all over my fucking house. He didn’t care that he was wet. If I hadn’t checked him he would have sat in it for the entire day! So that didn’t work. I tried bribing him with candy and movies and tv and computer time, you name it, I bribed him with it. We thought for sure the candy would do the trick. He loves candy. NOPE. So, now I’m being told ” Don’t buy no more diapers and tell him he has no choice but to wear underwear and go on the potty.” He won’t do it. He FLIPS OUT when he’s told he HAS to wear diapers. I have friends telling me that this takes finesse  and not being pushed in to doing it. You go to ease him in to it. He has to be ready. Blah Blah BLAH! I don’t know what to do anymore. He HAS to get potty trained because I’m fucking SICK of hearing about how oh such in such is potty trained and they’re only 2. Or how my niece is potty trained and she’s two days younger than Mikhail. “Its time to get him potty trained” NO FUCKING SHIT. IF ITS SO GOD DAMN EASY YOU COME FUCKING DO IT! I am out of answers. I’ve read EVERY SINGLE potty training article I could find and I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what more to do.

/end rant. *phew* Ok. That’s all for now. I mean it this time. No, really. That’s it. Ok. Talk to you all again soon. Probably Monday after I’m home from being up north. I’ll tell you all about it.

These are some dark times. I’m going through a really dark time right now. My [also] bipolar friend informed me what I’m going through is not mania or depression but a different cycle all together. I was going to write this last night when I had everything on my mind and I was going through one of my “episodes” but it was late and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get it in to words exactly what I had to say.

Let me see if I can sum it up for you while I’m level headed and not going through an episode.

I feel as though nothing I do is good enough.  My confidence in my parenting is absolute shit. I feel as though I have to change SO much about myself to please everyone else its overwhelming. I know, I know… before you even say it. “You don’t have to change yourself for anyone, be yourself!” What if I don’t like who I am. There are things about myself I want to change because they’re fucked up. One being my self care. I have HORRIBLE self care. I won’t get in to details about it because I’m embarrassed but I don’t take care of myself at all. (You people are probably thinking, “Its no wonder you have dentures.” No seriously I have dentures because of multiple reasons that have nothing to do with brushing my teeth. There are TONS of 20 something year old people out there who don’t brush their teeth and don’t have dentures so whatever. I’ve gone over why I have dentures in other posts… I’m not going to get into here. How can I teach my children good self care when I don’t have it myself? Don’t get me wrong, my kids aren’t dirty. For the most part, I ask them to brush their teeth. They wash behind their ears. But it’s not at the level I want it to be. Which is probably excessive but still. I can’t get in to it without being embarrassed. In summary, I have no self care. The kids are taken care of so don’t go calling CPS saying I don’t clean my kids. I just wish it was more.

Next thing… I yell. No I yell ALL-THE-TIME! Its like I don’t know how to talk… I just yell. I know my kids shouldn’t be raised with constant yelling, this is why I’m working on changing that. I just don’t know how exactly to do it. I know, I know, “Try to be calmer with them. When you feel hte urge to yell just take a deep breath and count to 10 and then handle the problem.” You don’t understand though… It is seriously like Nickolas MUST be yelled at to comprehend anything that’s being said to him. He will not pay attention or do what you’re asking them unless you’re yelling. And when I mean yelling I mean raised voice I’m not talking about screaming at the absolute top of my lungs to where it hurts.  Jesus I have to explain myself a lot in this post, why am I writing it again? OK. Yes… sometimes it is screaming at hte absolute top of my lungs, but this is almost ONLY when I’m having a rage attack and I don’t have those hardly ever anymore…  Anyway, I yell a lot. I don’t want to yell a lot any more. Nick only responds to yelling. I even yell when I’m “talking” to Mike about normal conversation. It’s a becoming an issue.

What else? God there was sooo much more. OH! The fucking fact that I honestly, truly, deep down inside, believe I am not able to work yet. Everyone thinks I’m ready to work because I have had a few good weeks… They’re not all good. There are manic days and depressed days within those weeks. Its not ALL good. In the bigger picture, yes, I’m doing better… considering what I was at.  This makes me feel fucking awful. I can’t contribute to ANYTHING to this family. Sure I cook and I clean but what is that doing for MONEY… MONEY is what’s important here. Yes… I’m keeping the family together. Yes I’m taking care of the kids (I’d argue not well enough but that’s a different topic). Yes. I have dinner prepared every night so everyone can eat. Its NOT ENOUGH. I’m not cleaning enough. I’m not cooking enough. I’m not doing ENOUGH. To me the house is absolutely FILTHY. (TO ME!!! I have HIGH expectations)  To me I’m failing at what I’m supposed to be doing. Every time Mike walks in the house and grabs the vacuum to do the floor I die a little on the inside because I know I didn’t do my part. WE NEED MONEY THOUGH. We are just barely getting by. I know, I know, “Everyone is struggling right now. Everyone is just barely scraping by.”

Mike enlightened me today on how he really felt. I’m not going to get in to it because quite frankly its not my business to discuss. Long story short, he showed me how he really felt and it made me feel absolutely awful because he beats himself up over EVERYTHING (just like me, the exact reason for this post). Because he beats himself up I beat myself up because I can’t work and can’t contribute to bills. GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING DISABILITY BULL SHIT!!! GOOOOOOOOOD If fucking disability would come through WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS ISSUE! But NOOOOOOO THEY FUCKING WONT GIVE ME DISABILITY! *smashes head* Its been two years since I applied for disability. I have a lawyer. I’ve been to court. But still I’m waiting… and waiting… and waiting… There are people out there who have hardly NO proof that they’re disabled and they get it INSTANTLY. I have lawyers AND doctors who feel as though I qualify for disability and what do I get? Nothing. I legit can’t work. I legitimately have a reason behind why I can’t work and why I feel as though I need disability and here I am unable to get it becuase the fucking douche canoes out there that lie through their teeth just because they don’t want to work GET IT INSTEAD.

I called my attorney and told them I lost my job. Partially because it was a seasonal job, but partially because of my issues with bipolar disorder. They said “We’ll have a case manager get back to you.” Guess who NEVER got back to me? What the fuck? These people are supposed to be helping me? Its NO WONDER I haven’t won!

*Sigh* OK… My parenting. My parenting skills in my eyes. SUCKS. I don’t spend enough time with the kids. I don’t play with the kids enough. I don’t read to the kids enough. I don’t work with Mikhail enough with his colors, numbers, shapes, letters, speech, etc. I don’t cook well … whats the word … ahh idk. I don’t cook well enough to be considered ‘trophy’ wife material. The kids get whatever they want to eat for the night… grilled cheese, easy mac, hot dogs, viola meal (chicken noodles, veggies) -only Mikhail eats this, chicken nuggets… There are times Mikhail will eat broccoli (I make it for myself, I put it on their plates… they chose not to eat it) I have more recently started to just cook whatever I want for dinner and if they dont want to eat it they don’t eat. Nick has tried a few more things doing this… everytime he takes a bite though he goes “EW NO NO NO I DONT LIKE IT” every single time. I force him to eat it anyway. I know he likes it when he doesn’t put too much of a fight up for it… when he’s screaming and crying and just throwing up the biggest fight in the world, it means he don’t like it. *sigh* Its a work in progress… There are still days I give in and make them what they want because I didn’t make anything elaborate for dinner. Brings me to my next topic… I haven’t been cooking ANYTHING elaborate – which means the kids have been eating whatever they want – because Mike has no appetite. Which brings me to my next topic.

Mike’s been having issues… He has sinus pressure which is causing dizziness. My assumption – I’m no doctor – but what I assume is the sinus pressure is building so immensely that it’s draining in to his ears, which is effecting his inner ear, which is fucking with his dizziness, vertigo, and balance. Yes, he was diagnosed with vertigo. He doesn’t know the difference between dizziness and the room spinning (I feel, think, know the difference between the two unless I’m retarded and there is no difference between the two) So anyway… This all started a few months ago. They gave him antibiotics, they got better but never fully went away. But it was only intense then… So then a few months later, it got INTENSE again so Mike went in, he got antibiotics, and was sent on his way. Well, it came back again, it happened on Wednesday. He came home from work and he was extremely dizzy. He had extreme sinus pressure. It was bad. So he called to just talk to a nurse or his dr. but they had already left for the day so he ended up speaking to someone at urgent care. They said come in if its really bad. So he scheduled an appt with his primary doctor for the next day. Thursday. So the next day (Thursday) Mike called in to work. We went to his doctors appointment. The doctor diagnosed him with a sinus infection. Put him on a different dosage/kind of antibiotic. Told him to keep taking his anti-dizzy pills he was prescribed a long time ago. He was sent on his way. So we fill his scripts right away. The antibiotics say, right on the bottle, may cause dizziness. AWESOME. So he takes the antibiotics. He gets a work release for Thursday and just in case Friday too. So he calls in Friday. We go all day Friday and Saturday… it seemed the best on Saturday. He actually got up and moving (we went to the store and his parents house). He was wiped out when we got home but at least he was able to move around. Then Sunday came and it was just bad the entire day. He was just dizzy all day long. His anti-dizzy pills weren’t doing anything. His mucinex that he was taking for the sinus pressure wasn’t doing anything. So we went to Urgent Care. They basically told us, “You have your anti-dizzy pills there’s nothing more we can do for you. See an Ears Nose Throat Specialist.” So Mike asks for a work excuse for Monday (today) just in case. He calls in today. He schedules an appointment to see his primary doctor. Now Mike is having issues with his anxiety. Which he feels is causing him to be more dizzy. His anxiety is bad because he feels as though he’s not doing enough for us (once again I’m not going to get in to that. It’s not my business to tell.) SO we went to see his primary doctor… He’s an AWESOME doctor. Very ok because I dont know how to spell ‘thoural?” I’ll go he’s very in depth with his exam. He makes sure to listen to you for everything. The only problem with him is the waiting… The waiting has gotten REALLY bad at his office. You wait in the waiting room for 15-45 minutes. Then you wait in the exam room for another 15-30 minutes. Ugh. So we go in… He says keep taking your antibiotic. Keep taking your anti-dizzy pills. I”m not going to refill your anxiety medication. Go see an ENT Specialist. After you seen him, you still feel as though your anxiety is bad then come back in and we’ll talk about the anxiety. *sigh* So he went and talked to the referral specialist and she went to set him up an appointment. Earliest he could get him in to the ENT that the DR wanted was booked out until the 24th of May. Uhh that’s not going to work… so shes like lets see if I can get you in to another one we use. SO they say May 8th. They check again. Oh theres a cancelation for tomorrow at 10am. Fine done. Mike scheduled it. So I’ve been driving Mike around everywhere because he can’t drive. I start racking my brain as to how this appointment is going to work. 1. We would have to have a sitter. If Mike’s Mom were to do it she don’t get off work and home until 9:30am – we have to be at the other side of town, (literally a 45-60 minute drive on back roads because I don’t drive freeway) at 10am. Thats not going to work. She’s either going to have to get out of work early – dammit – or Im going to have to ask my Mom. So, I call my Mom and ask her and she says as long as we drop him off she’ll do it. So, immediately after Nick gets on the bus, we’re dropping off Mikhail at my Mom’s house — WHICH BTW We hate doing. Becuase my mom’s house WREAKS of cigarette smoke. Literally, you gag on the smell after you are already home. It sticks sooo badly to your clothing. She could NOT EVEN SMOKE and your clothes will be covered in it. Its disgusting. Its a mandatory bath and change your clothes after you come home from being at her house. SO anyways, she’s watching him so I can take Mike… HOPEFULLY this ENT has answers. Hopefully he/she can tell us everything we need/want to hear about this business. Hopefully they have an explanation for the dizziness, vertigo, lightheaded, etc.

SO That’s what’s going on with Mike… So on top of everything going on with his dizziness and nose and such. He feels awful about a shit ton of stuff. I think theres something in the air because everyone is in a dark place right now. I can’t describe it really. I just am basically beating myself up over EVERY single thing I do/have done. Its not healthy. I’m going to end it at that… I don’t have much more to say. I had so much more when I was upset last night. But the kids are antsy and Mike’s trying his best to keep the preoccupied until I can finish typing this because I asked for a few moments peace while I did this. So, I’ll write again soon.

Hi everyone. As you can see, I made a new theme… It looks very similar right? It is. I used practically the same brushes that I used for the “New Beginnings” one (which is what I named that one) I couldn’t do with the pink anymore. I’m not a pink kinda girl. I actually really dislike pink. No offense to any of you girls (or guys, hey, you never know) that like pink. You can like it until your hearts content but I’m addicted obsessed with this color blue. If you were to look at my screenshots of all my previous layouts – which can be found here: Eternal Amour Previous Layout Screenshots you’d notice 90% of my layouts have this blue color to it. ^_^ I can’t help myself! Alright I’m going to finish coding this layout… Buh Bye .

Hi everyone. I decided to write a blog a few days early. I had a few things to write about so I figured why not write earlier.

So first and foremost, let’s get the site updates out of the way. I updated three pages within the past week:

Pixel’s page in the Designer’s Showcase: I added downloadable emoticons for you. There’s only 3 sets but I uploaded them for you. You can preview each set of emoticons and all the set has to offer. All three are animated. I also added ‘keychain’ fairies that I had made. There were a lot more pixels shown on this page BUT I’m getting back in to pixeling and I deleted them because those might be going in to my sets that I will be selling someday. Last night I spent 2 hours pixeling a tree!!! Yea I’m freaking nuts. I wanted it to be perfect. The final outcome was me going “this is just going to have to do.” Mike said it was A LOT better than the previous ones I created so I was pleased enough with it.

Wishlist: I updated my wishlist. I added some few things. I updated things I had gotten already. I realized my wishlist is VERY small. I don’t have a lot that I want apparently. Which makes sense because when it comes to birthdays and Christmas I wouldn’t know what to tell people I want — even though no one asks because I don’t get presents. =[ But yea, that's updated so take a gander at that.

Finally, Signature Page: I've added a signature page to my "About Me" section. It is all the pixel (and some non-pixel) signatures or sig-tags I've accumulated over the years. Like I said on the page itself... I have collected these over the past 5-6 years. If you find your artwork on there and you want to be linked back because it isn't linked, let me know. All of the ones I got recently have been linked to the proper owner. (Btw, if you didn't know, THOSE are pixels... cute little scenes or people. That's what I have gotten back in to.)

Ok. So the reason for the title of this blog, Everything electronic I touch, I keep breaking. Ok, not everything. My laptop for one is fine... *knocks on wood immediately* No, so my tiny point and shoot camera took a shit. We have two cameras... a point and shoot Samsung T100 and a Canon Powershot SX10IS which is a DSLR. The whole purpose for buying the point and shoot camera was because the Canon was huge and difficult to lug around everywhere we went for those spur of the moment shots. The Samsung I kept in my purse at all times. Which was awesome. Well, while Nick was on Spring Break, we went over to Lynn's house to color easter eggs. So I whipped out the camera, which Mike had just used like a week or two ago to take pictures for this contest he was doing... I took a photo and this is what I got:

Yellowy, grainy, with lines across, nonsense. WTF!? I took TONS of pictures and that's exactly how they turned up. OR when you take them then you review them it would show bigger lines on the screen then it would like load a lil more and the lines would smooth out but where the lines were it would get brighter. WTF.

So, Mike came over to Lynn's that night and I told him about the camera. I went to show him what it looked like but the camera had died.  So, I had to wait until later on after it charged to show him. I charged the camera and I went and took two pictures. They turned out FINE. There was no lines on them, the color was fine. OK! It worked again!!!

So, we went to the park a few days later. I brought my good ol' trust Samsung point and shoot. I went and took pictures and the picture was completely white-out. Like it had a flash that was so powerful everything was white because it was too bright. It wasn't the sunlight because even in the shade it did it. WTF!? I was getting pissed at this point. It didn't work, it no longer worked!!! So I put it away. I bought it out later that night to show Mike the photos and how they were taking. He said he'd try a few things and see if it worked. Nope. Didn't work. It was shot. First the HP laptop doesn't connect to the internet and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Then my camera takes a shit. THEN my external takes a shit. I CAN'T TOUCH ANYTHING ELECTRONIC.

[Just realized... this blog entry is going to be WAY longer than I was expecting it to be. Bare with me, mkay?]

Next on the agenda, Matt’s and my court hearing. Little back story: Matt had stopped paying me child support back in November 2011. He said it was because he no longer “worked” with his bar but now owned it? IDK it was messed up. So I got nothing for months. Then all the sudden in Feb. I got a payment for like $100. He’s supposed to pay me $237 a month. So I don’t get anything else. Then out of no where I get his state taxes, which was a good chunk of change. Then I get a good chunk of change from his unemployment. Then a payment from unemployment once a month of $52 for two months. So I pursued child support enforcement back in Nov. asking them to investigate why I wasn’t receiving child support anymore. As the months passed, and he didn’t make regular payments they took it upon themselves, even though he had pay that huge chunk with his taxes and unemployment, to file a court date.

So, that’s why we had a court date. I knew what was going to happen before we even walked in the door. I figured it would take five minutes total for them to say what they have to say and then we’d be sent on our way.

Well, I arrived there 45 minutes early because I didn’t know how long it was going to take me to get there. (I don’t drive the freeway so I take side streets wherever I go) I also didn’t know if there was going to be any construction along the route I was taking. So I left an hour 15 minutes early. Google Maps said it should take 45 minutes to get there taking the route I had planned and mapped out. OK, gives me plenty of time to go just in case there is construction and traffic is backed up. Yeaaa, it took me 30 minutes to get there. There was no construction. So, I waited in my car for a while. My phone started to die so I couldn’t really play on that. I finally got out when we had 15 minutes to go. I went upstairs and checked in. I got a piece of paper that had my income levels and such in it. I filled it out and then went back up to turn in the clipboard. I walked back and I saw Matt. I didn’t notice him come in. I went and sat by him. I couldn’t really talk to him because there were rules posted ALL over the room. No Cell Phone. No Talking. No Food or Drink. No Headware. Lots of rules.

So they called us in. We got up, handed her our paperwork and went in the room. Matt was being civil. He let me go ahead of him and choose the chair first. So we sat down. The commissioner said his normal ramblings “This is in favor to establish support for the parties of Nikkole **** and Mathew ****” He then started on with his questioning, “Matt what’s going on with your work?”

“Well, I am working two jobs now.” (Which btw, is a lie because he’s working three MAYBE four jobs right now. But is probably being paid under the table.)

“Where do you work?”

“Four Point Sheraton Hotel and Target”

“When is your first paycheck, or have you gotten it already?”

“My first paycheck for both jobs will be this Friday.”

“I assume child support has already been contacted regarding these jobs and the support payments will be taken out of these checks?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Let’s come back for a review in a few months to ensure you’re making your payments. If you’re making your payment it will be a 30 second court hearing. Let’s make it for July… 8:15am or 3:15pm?”

I chime in, “3:15pm please.”

“Ok. The review will be on July 23rd, 2012 at 3:15pm. Matthew what do you do at your job?”

“Lift boxes and such. So next time you see me, heh, I’ll be more buff.”

“*Chuckle* Very well… see you in a few months. Court adjourned.”

That was it. We were seriously in there for TWO minutes. Matt showed his charm, he got out of whatever trouble he could have gotten in to. I had to roll my eyes at the “buff” comment. So there you have it… That’s what happened at court. What happened next is pretty funny too. We’re walking out and he goes, “Hold on. I have to get a work excuse.” Idk why he told me to hold on. Did he have something to say to me? So I waited in the hallway for him. He was surprised I was still standing there when he came out. So, I ask him, “Do I have to be here for the review?” Because on the piece of paper it says something like “Court Ordered Matthew **** to attend in person on July 23rd, 2012 at 3:15pm” and he had to sign it. I didn’t have to sign it and it doesn’t say my name ANYWHERE on the piece of paper. SO, do I have to attend? Because if I don’t, I’m not going to. He said he didn’t know and we walked down together. We got to the parking structure and he went on the 1st floor and I went down to the basement. I started walking to my car and he all the sudden appeared behind me and caught up to me. He was like, “I can’t find my car. Is this the level where the street is?” I’m like “Yea. this is the ground level. Upstairs you would have had to go up one level.” He’s like “Oh ok. I’ll find it.” He practically walks me to my car and then veers off looking for his. Did he really have a car or did his ass have to take the bus because he doesn’t have a car and uses his girlfriend’s car all the time. *shrugs* I don’t know. I don’t care.

So, I have one final topic. My medication… Everything is going great. I’ve stabilized. No racing thoughts. No manic nights of staying up until 3-4am. No major rage attacks. No depression. No crying spells. No feeling worthless. My concentration is there. (WHICH IS HUGGGE) Everything appears to be great, right? Well, its not. Slowly the side effects of these medication is going to kill me.

I can’t cry. Physically I cannot cry. Stub my toe. No tears for me. Mike and I could have the worse break up in the history of man… Hell… I could find out Mike’s cheating on me… I wouldn’t be able to cry. One, or all, of my medications make me physically unable to cry.

I’m dumb as shit. No I’m not exaggerating here. I am fucking dumb as rocks now. Mike made a comment about it the other day. While hurtful it was true. He’s gotta explain things 2-3 times before it clicks in my head as to wtf he’s talking about. I can’t do basic math in my head anymore. Half the time when I talk I don’t make ANY sense whats so ever. Words come out completely wrong. I don’t think before I speak. I say some really fucked up shit. Thing is… I don’t know if ANYTHING can fix this. I don’t know which medication is causing this so it’s not like i can request a different med. I don’t know if all of them is causing this. I’m on SO many different medications its no wonder my brain is complete mush. I don’t like being stupid. I’ve never been stupid in my life. I used to be very bright. I used to be witty. I WANT THAT BACK.

My memory is gone. I have absolutely NO memory anymore. Mike could tell me something and 5 minutes later I wouldn’t remember what he said. I could have something VERY important that I’m supposed to remember. I can repeat it to myself every single minute for days and I will fucking forget. Again, with all the medications I’m on its NO WONDER my brain is complete mush…

Let’s think about it; I’m on Lithium… 1200MG of Lithium. Risperidal 2MG. Wellbutrin 200MG. Finally Temazepam Uhmmm IDK the MG but its the lowest. ALL OF THIS = BRAIN MUSH. 

I rock back and forth when I’m standing still. Doctor thinks this is from Risperidal but I lowered that to practically nothing and I STILL do it. I don’t realize I’m doing it. People ALWAYS point it out to me. “Nikkole STOP IT!” Soooorrrry. Just because I don’t realize I’m doing it doesn’t mean when you point it out to me I’ll be able to just stop. I do though. When someone points it out to me I hold myself as HARD as I can to not do it anymore. *SMH*

What do I do about this? How do I tell my pdoc, “Uhm yea… IDK what’s causing it but these medications you have me on are causing me to be stupider by the day.” I dont want Mike to have to be with someone who he once thought was smarter than what he has right now. I fear it’s only going ot get WORSE. Honest to god, this makes me want to shoot stability out the window, stop taking ALL meds, and go back to being what I was being… I’d rather be smart and a nut case than be stupid and stable.

*Sigh* IDK. I’ve written enough for the day.

]]> http://eternalamour.com/i-cant-touch-anything-without-it-breaking/feed 4 http://eternalamour.com/appointments-oh-my http://eternalamour.com/appointments-oh-my#comments Wed, 18 Apr 2012 19:56:56 +0000 Nikkole http://eternalamour.com/?p=6537

Edit 04/19/2012

So, I forgot to tell you all. I messed up my external hard drive. Like royally messed it up. I was working on it on Monday all day and everything was going fine. Then suddenly out of no where I get this Error 0x8007045D whenever I tried to transfer anything ON to it, deleted any files, or copied any files. FUCK! I tried everything. I googled it about a thousand times reading every single solution that was said to do and nothing worked. I tried transferring all the files OFF the external on to my laptop but I only got errors to skip files. I’d skip a file here and there (ones that I didn’t know what they were. Occasionally I got sick of it freezing up I would just click “Do this from now on” button and skip the file. So it moved a little faster. Remind you, my folders that I was transferring ranged from 10GB to 50GB. Yea! It was REALLY slow going. I thought it had finally finished and everything transferred but upon clicking in the folders I noticed something. The folders were all there. EVERY single folder was there. But the folders were empty. There were files that I skipped and apparently it skipped everything. DOH! I could cry at this point. Like blubber like a baby, wailing and sobbing cry. I was so upset. In fact, I wrote on Facebook only a 100 times about my external this, my external that. So, I plugged it in to my other (HP) laptop to find out if it was just my laptop or if it was the external. I went to delete a file, after a moment it deleted. OH WTF! So it’s my laptop. I read somewhere it was a problem with the registry. So then I try to transfer my web design folder (the ONE folder I wasn’t able to get off my external and transfer on to my laptop) and then it gave me an error. So it wasn’t my laptop, it was the external.

I read somewhere else that you should run chkdsk on the external. So because I tried this 3 times on my laptop and it seriously lagged out at 5% Mike told me to plug it in to the HP laptop and have it just run for however long it takes in the bedroom (so the kids didn’t get a hold of it). So I did. I started that yesterday. So far it has ran… but it started saying something along the lines of “Unable to read file ###” and then today I checked on it and it’s saying “Insufficient disk space to hotfix file ###” FUCK! SO not even the chkdsk will work. I’m going ot let it run its course to see if it does anything but I don’t have much hope left.

Do you realize what this means? I could lose 20GB of pictures dated back to 2002. I could lose 30GB of various music that I’d NEVER be able to get back because I wouldn’t be able to remember what songs/artists I had downloaded. I could lose a 30GB Web Design folder that has EVERYTHING I’ve done in the past 6 years in web design. I could lose THOUSANDS of dollars in programs that are unable to be downloaded because I purchased them online directly. ::cries profusely:: Everything could be gone if I can’t figure out what to do. I want to think its an error on my external but I’m not 100% that it’s not my computer. I took about 7 hours and transferred as much as I could from my external on to my laptop. SO that leaves a few things left to do… After the chkdsk runs, if it doesn’t fix the problem I can reformat my external hard drive and see if I am able to transfer anything back ON to the hard drive… Buy a new hard drive and see if its an error with my computer… Reformat my computer getting rid of the error – also risking losing everything I transferred from the external. ::falls over:: good grace. None of those sound good to me. So lesson learned; Always back up everything you have on any hard drive on to disks. 

Hi everyone. I don’t have a whole lot to say but I’m bored so I figured I’d blog.

Alright. Now where to begin? First off, thanks for the comments I got from my previous post about my kids. I appreciate everything you guys had to tell me. I’m currently working out how my replies and comments look. I had a threaded comment plugin which was exactly what I was looking for BUT something in the coding caused my RSS feed to not work and get an error so I had to uninstall it. ::sadness:: I also have a plugin that is supposed to email you when I reply to your comment? Does anyone know if that works?? Have you ever received an email from EA saying you have a response to your comment? Meh. I’ll figure it out. ::adds “meh” to firefox dictionary:: ::adds firefox to dictionary:: Anyone have any solutions on to what’s the best policy for replying to comments? Do you do it on your own page? Do you go to their page and comment on their post with your response? Answers are appreciated, thanks. So, I had/have a boat load of appointments scheduled. Ok, it was only three, but still. Yesterday I had my therapy appointment and my psychiatrist appointment. I”ll get to those in a minute. The other appointment I had scheduled was for getting my tooth pulled. You see, I went to the dentist and then they refer you to see an oral surgeon to get a tooth pulled. I have had all but 8 of my teeth pulled so I figured no big deal. I was told to wait ten days before calling to make my appointment to ensure the referral went through. That was supposed to be on the 9th, last week. I didn’t schedule it because I had forgot. So, I went to look at the sheet of paper that my dentist gave to me so I could get the phone number and add it to my phone. I figure, 10 minute drive there, tops. Something possessed me to look at the address. UHM? WHAT? That’s not right. It says Glendale! Being as I don’t drive on the freeway… [see what I mean here] that’s a 48 minute drive! For a 10-15 minute appointment. UGHHH WTF! Another thing, I have no idea where it is. I’m not familiar with that area at all. I asked Mike Mom if she would drive me because Mike thought that would be best and she was like “Well it will be an adventure because I don’t know that area at all either.” Fucking wonderful. The ONLY other option is making the appointment and seeing if Mike can take a half day ((morning or afternoon)) and have him drive me. I’m not sure he’ll do that though. I’m going to put off getting this done as long as possible now. /end annoyance

So, yesterday, as I said, I had two appointments. My therapy appointment was in the morning. I feared going to it. I always hate going to my therapy appointment. I don’t know, for a while there everything was fine, then all the sudden it just didn’t feel right. Then again his smart ass comments didn’t help. Like the time he called me overweight. Or the fact that he ALWAYS throws meditation down my throat. After I’ve told him ‘meditating’ or doing whatever he advised, makes me feel uncomfortable. “Close your eyes and tell me all the feelings you feel.” Pfft. I just don’t like going there anymore. If it wasn’t for disability I wouldn’t go anymore. I don’t feel as though I’m benefiting at all from him. So, the reason why I really cringed thinking about yesterdays appointment was because at our last meeting he wanted me to tell my pdoc (psychiatrist) about my taking chantix. He felt as though chantix is the reason behind my anxiety/panic attacks. He thought the actual medication was causing it NOT the fact that I was quitting smoking. Well, needless to say, I never called him and told him.

So, I went to the appointment. I sat down and he asked “How everything was going”.

I told him “Things were going well, I didn’t have a lot to really report on.”

He’s like “Ok, tell me about what you do have to report on.”

I said something like “As you know I quit smoking.”

“Oh really?!” He completely forgotten about the chantix. Awesome. So I explained to him how things were going with smoking. How in a sense I want to do it and I feel accomplished I’ve  come this far but in another sense I feel bitterness towards the whole quitting smoking. He was like “Express to me what you’re so angry about.”

“Well, its not anger, its bitterness. I don’t feel angry about anything.”

“OOOOK. Then tell me what your “bitterness” is like.” So I explain the reason why I quit and how I had gotten money so that shot the reason out the window. Then I told him how I feel as though it’s completely out of my control as to what happens. How I’m not allowed to want to slip up or relapse because its not my decision anymore and because of that it makes me feel bitter about the whole thing. So he is like, “I have had many patients quit smoking and I’ve come to realize that there is an anger that comes along with quitting. It’s not caused by anything other than quitting.” So now he realizes its not the medication that was causing all my emotional rollercoaster ride but in fact the process of quitting to begin with.

So then he goes, “What else makes you angry or bitter.” Apparently he didn’t understand that anger and bitterness is two totally different things in my mind but whatever. So I told him about how Matt doesn’t allow anyone he associates himself with to be anything but perfect. I told him how Nick got glasses and how that’s an imperfection in his eyes and his son isn’t allowed to have an imperfection. I elaborated on this for about 5 full minutes. My therapist will just stare at you while you’re talking and then when you’re done talking instead of saying something he’ll just continue to stare at you. So you feel obligated to continue to talk. Which usually causes me to repeat things or elaborate on shit that doesn’t need to be explained.

Sorry, I went off and did something else and now I lost my train of thought. Basically I get annoyed every time I go to the therapist for something different each time. Like I said, if it wasn’t for disability I would stop going to the therapist.

So, about an hour later, I left to go to my pdoc appointment. This is usually a 20-30 minute drive, in good traffic. I left about 45 minutes early. I’m so grateful that I did! I went the path I always take and things were going smoothly. Then I got to 15 minutes into my drive and the traffic started slowing down. There was MAJOR construction along the way. I was completely unaware of this because the last time I went to my pdoc it was in Feb and it was still cold and wintery here so there was no construction. By the way, in Wisconsin there are two seasons… Winter and Construction.  So, I’m flipping out. Road rage is in full swing. I’m yelling at cars… I have really bad road rage. LOL I’m staying in the left lane because I have to be in the left lane to make my turn (when I finally get there) I am not that great at switching lanes when theres a lot of traffic. Idk if I have enough room to pull over in to the other lane in front of another car. Omg it drives me crazy. I’m not the best driver but give me a break I only got my license a couple of years ago. I also don’t drive every single day. At least I can admit my wrongs. Anyways, I look at my clock, and I have 5 minutes until my appointment. I am almost there. I finally get there I have 2 minutes remaining. PHEW!

I go inside and go to pay my copay and my pdoc is already standing in the reception area waiting. So, I pay up and he comes and takes me back to his office. He asks me how things are and I say pretty good but I’m experiencing some hypomania. He says with the season and the weather that’s completely normal and kinda a given.  He sits down and starts asking me the normal questions as he’s going through his chart. “Are you experiencing depression? Sadness? Crying? Tiredness? Mind racing? Instability? Being wide awake? Irritability? How’s your concentration?” Everything was no. Concentration… compared to what it was, it is considerably better. He goes, “That’s great. I take concentration as the ultimate test of Bipolar. If you’re able to concentrate, you’re stable. Mania gives you the inability to concentrate because of the racing thoughts. Depression gives you the inability to concentrate because your lack of care. Considering where we first began when we first met I think that is a dramatic improvement for you!” Yay Doctor is pleased with what he’s done and my progress. He asks me if I’m going to return to work. What’s up with doctors asking me that? My therapist asked me that too. I told him no I was gonna stay at home for now because I don’t want to jump in to anything and then relapse.  He tells me that he thinks my medication cocktail is what he believes exactly where it needs to be and thinks that this is what I”ll probably stay with for a substantial amount of time. It’s working for me. I tell him I’m having trouble sleeping. He asks me to elaborate so I explain, “I will sleep for about an hour then I’ll wake up and be awake for 45-60 minutes then finally fall asleep again.” He goes, “So you’re waking up about 3-4 times a night roughly?” I say yes. He tells me he’s going to put me on Temazepam. Ok. Whatever that is. I ask him do I take this with my ambien or instead of it. He tells me instead of it. Ok. He mentions some other medication clopazine? IDK what it was offhand. He speaks so quickly… I told him it sounded familiar but I wasn’t sure. He asked me to some how come up with a list of medications I’ve tried. I tell him I have a blog and that I usually, almost always write down in my blog the latest medication I’m trying. He tells me he’d like to see me back in three months, if I need him sooner to come in within a week of needing me – don’t wait more than a week.Then he sent me on my way.

Phew! My appointments are taken care of. Now for my next task, going through my entries that I had recently tagged “medications” and reading about which medications I’ve been on. Thing is, I know I’ve mentioned that I had started or will be starting those certain meds but I didn’t always write what the side effects or effects of the medication were on me and I think the doctor wants that too. *shrugs* Unfortunately I won’t be able to provide all of that. Not unless I call my old pdoc’s office and ask if theres any way they can transfer the records from their office to my new pdocs office but due to HIPPA laws they probably won’t do that because of someone calling over the phone.

Alright. I suppose I’m going to get going to do that. I also have to wait for Nick to get home then get ready because we have a meeting with a State Farm agent tonight to discuss insurance for auto and renters. We never had renters insurance and we NEED it. So we’re going to see what kind of price they can offer us and go from there. Progressive wanted $300 a year for renters insurance! Uhm, yea right! I think State Farm wanted like $103 or something… it was only $8 a month. So if they can give us a good quote on auto insurance, because we’re currently through Progressive on that, we will go through them. I told Mike I don’t know how much I’m going to have to offer being there at the appointment because I know nothing about insurance and HE’S the one whose going to be paying it so I don’t know what he can spend or what he’s looking at spending… but regardless he wants me there. Heh. He thinks if the kids are there they won’t ask us to stick around and be there for a long time too. I see where he’s going with this.

OK! I’m going now. I’ll write again sooner than a week if I have something to write about, if not, see you in a week.

So I started taking chantix a week ago. So far so good. I’m down to a pack every three days instead of every two days. So I cut an entire day’s worth of cigarettes out! Its a good start for being only the first week. I just need to cut out the main ones (e.g. after coffee, going out to get Nick on the bus, after a meal.) The one that I smoke when getting Nick off to the bus is probably going to be my toughest one. I smoke because I’m bored standing in the hallway waiting for his bus. I can’t take away the boredom I’ll feel but I have to take away the cigarette I smoke.  Not an easy feat. So its a work in progress. I’m working on it. Trying to cut every cigarette down that I can. Some days I do really good. Other days I do as bad as I was. Depends on my stress level and whether or not I’m cycling through depression or mania.

Now that spring has arrived (it was 77º yesterday!) mania has hit. It’s not intense yet. I have a feeling it’s going to be soon though. I’ve already decided I can conquer the world. Feel like I can do everything and anything. I got on this kick of quitting smoking. I also was like “Oh. I can diet, eat healthy, exercise, and change my entire lifestyle.” So I started going on http://www.sparkpeople.com and started counting calories. I found some exercises I wanted to start doing. Like I said, I felt like I could conquer the world. Then of course, I crash. I rapid cycle in to depression and I feel like a failure because I wasn’t able to do any of this. Vicious cycle it is. Such is my life though. I’m dealing with it.

Yesterday was fun. /sarcasm As a family we went to Walmart. I had to pick up a few groceries and there was some other stuff I needed to get. We had plans on going to Culvers afterward for dinner. So we went to Walmart, got a cart filled with stuff, loaded up the car, and got ready to leave. Mike put the car in reverse, backed out of the spot, and went to push on the brake pedal and the brake pedal went all the way to the floor. Uh oh. So he’s like “What the hell?” So he pulls around and pulls up to the stop sign. We had brakes again and there was pressure on the pedal. So he turned and went to exit the parking lot and went to stop at the stop sign and the pedal went to the floor again and we hardly stopped. He was pissed. So he pulled in to Ace Hardware’s parking lot, parked the car, and got out to take a look. Apparently the brake line broke. Thankfully it didn’t break while we were driving in traffic and wouldn’t have been able to stop and would have gotten in to a car accident. We were safe and stopped. We got the car towed. So tonight Mike’s gotta spend the evening over at his parent’s house fixing whatever it is that broke. (He’s unsure at this point exactly what snapped) Which means I’m stuck with the kids for the night. They had better be good.

Nick’s grounded so he won’t be able to play outside. He’ll whine and cry until he’s blue in the face about wanting to go out just hoping that I say yes. I won’t. He pissed me off. He was playing outside two days ago… and we’re apart of an apartment complex that consists of like 12-13 eight family apartment buildings. Near us there are three other buildings. So when Nick is out playing in the back he plays between all four buildings. To the right of all the building is part of the parking lot. On the other end of the two back buildings is the driveway to the parking lots. So without drawing out a picture of what I mean, I’ll continue on with my story. Nick was playing in between the back two buildings which are near the driveway. I come outside, scream his name, and he comes running from the other side of the trees from where he was playing. I ask him what he wants for dinner and he tells me a grilled cheese. I tell him “Fine. I will be coming out in about 5 minutes when its done and you’re going to have to come inside and eat.” He said ok. So I go inside, cook the grilled cheese, go back outside, and scream his name. This time I see him on his scooter, riding up the driveway and rounding the corner of the parking lot, which is one building length away. Busted! He’s not supposed to go in the parking lot for ANYTHING. And not only is he only in the parking lot but he’s in the driveway too! These people don’t pay attention when they’re driving. They speed through the parking lot like its nobody’s business. He could easily get hit. So he rides his scooter up to me I tell him, “You’re done being outside for the night. You come inside, eat your food, and go in your room for the rest of the night.” He throws the BIGGEST fit ever. The neighbors are out watching the entire ordeal. So I’m trying to be civil with him while he throws his fit and not lose my patience. He’s throwing himself around. Crying. He was one step away from throwing himself on the ground and having a full fledged three year old tantrum. I tell him lets go. He goes “I have to go get something.” So he goes and runs away back towards where he was playing. It takes him a good 5 minutes and I scream his name again telling him let’s go! He come walking up with his brand new light saber and his old light saber. Second thing he’s busted with. He’s not allowed to take toys outside because that’s how they get broken and then they don’t have them anymore. Too many kids play with them. Too many kids who don’t take care of items especially ones that aren’t theirs… yea. So he continues his fit. It takes me another 5 minutes to get him inside. Finally get him inside and tell him I’ll think of a punishment. So he continues to scream and cry while his dinner is getting cold. I lose it. I start yelling at him. I ask him what was he thinking going in the driveway and parking lot. Well, Mike must have heard us in the hallway when he walked in because he asked what happened. I explained to him what happened with the scooter and the driveway. He looks at Nick and goes “You’re grounded!” Guess that was his fate. So, I go, “Oh that isn’t even the best part…” and explain the toys being out there. Mike goes, “Yea. You’re definitely grounded.” Nick throws a bigger fit. I go, “Man does that suck because it’s supposed to be absolutely beautiful outside tomorrow.” He threw a fit for a while. Sobbed while he ate his grilled cheese and finally finished it like 10 minutes later. He was sent to play in his room for the rest of the night. I was so disappointed in him about the driveway. When asked why he went in the driveway his response was first, “I didn’t know I couldn’t.” which is a lie. Then it was “Noah told me he was gonna race me and he never came in the driveway and I took off and I didn’t notice he wasn’t behind me until after I turned.” Which could have been true but he shouldn’t blame it on anyone but himself. So in conclusion, he learned a lesson. He’s grounded until at least Friday.

Alright I had more to write but now I can’t seem to remember what it was. Hmph. Hate when that happens. If I think of it I’ll edit the post at the bottom. Until next time…