It all started seven years ago. It was December 2004 and Matt and I were reconciling our relationship. Ya… I know. WTF!? Right? Exactly my thoughts. Anyways, we were in the process of getting back together. He invited me over to sleep over night. The first time we would spend more than an hour or two since we broke up. I agreed, packed up Nickolas, and went over to our old apartment. Matt had a horrible headache and heaven forbid you do ANYTHING while the precious man has a headache. You can’t speak while he has a headache or he’ll bite your head off. Great. Why was I going over here again? So he ends up sleeping the entire time. I got Nickolas down for the night and I found out online – in this community chatroom on AOL that is for our city – that a friend of mine was having a party. Matt was passed out. Nick was asleep. So, I decided to tell my friend Steph, when Steve gets there have him come pick me up. So, after about an hour he showed up and picked me up. I thanked him and away we were to go to the party. We arrived. There were a few people over there, not too many though. We were all hanging out when these two guys walked in. I recognized one as Dave (I knew him, and everyone else at the party from the chatroom) and he walked in with this other guy. The mystery guy was wearing a jacket and a baseball cap so I could barely see his face. I was partying it up. Having a load of fun. The entire time this mystery guy was starring at me. I later found out his name was Mike. I recognized his screen name when I heard it but had never talked to him. So there I was, newly “not single” and I had guys flirting with me left and right. Dave was flirting with me. This Mike guy was starring at me for every little thing I did. Plus Steve, who picked me up, always had a thing for me. Oy vey!

After the party I go back to Matt’s house. He’s awake and pissed. “Where the fuck were you?” is what I got. I explained to him I went out for a bit. He got over it and went back to bed. I stayed up online for a while and started talking to everyone who was at the party in the chatroom. Mike was on. I don’t know how it started but some how he private messaged me and we got to talking. The next day Matt was forced to clean the entire apartment. It was disgusting. He looked like he hadn’t cleaned since I moved out a year ago. So I forced him to clean up. While he was cleaning up I got a message from Mike. We started talking again. For some reason we were drawn to each other.

I went home to my Dad’s that night and started talking to Mike again. Suddenly it was 4am and we were still talking. His dad woke up for the day and told him to get to bed before his Mom woke up and scolded him. We talked the entire night.

This continued for about a week and half. We talked until wee hours of the morning. I don’t remember about what but it must have been in depth conversation. I found out Mike was currently in the middle of trying to get back together with his ex. After a few days of us talking that changed. I started thinking about what I was doing with Matt too. I told Mike I was going to break up with Matt. I ended up breaking up with Matt on Christmas Eve… exactly 1 year after I broke up with him on Christmas Eve the original time too.

Mike mentioned something along the lines of “This is completely unlike me. I never mess with someone whose got a boyfriend. I also have a rule about dating girls with kids. I just don’t do it.” Yet here we were completely unable to withdraw ourselves from each other.

On New Years Eve 2004, I invited Mike over to my friend Jen’s house. He showed up a few hours later because he was arguing with his ex girlfriend who didn’t appreciate him going out with another girl. We hung out for a while, then went over to Steph’s house (where we met) and hung out there. Someone said something along the lines of “oh its new years, you should kiss.” So we shared our first kiss in front of everyone. Mike’s a shy guy so this was out of the normal for him. It seems everything he did regarding me was out of the normal for him. After having a couple of drinks we went back to Jen’s house. We were both pretty wasted. We ended up fooling around together that night. Which was completely out of the normal for me. He spent the night with me. I had to be to work at 7am the next morning.

The next day after work he calls me completely upset. He explained to me his ex came over and was pissed that he never came home the night before and that he ended up sleeping with her. He was like “I don’t even know why I am telling you this. You’re nothing to me.  It shouldn’t matter what I did… but it does. I’m so sorry.” I was just like… “Uhm, its okay. Its cool. Like you said, we’re nothing to each other so it happened its alright.”  I don’t remember being upset about it. I was more upset that he was upset, ya know?

After the next few days we continued to talk even more in depth with each other. We shared stories and history with one another. He never met up with his ex again. I didn’t talk to Matt. We were just slowly drifting closer together.

The night of the 7th of Jan, my friend Tommy and his girlfriend Ali (who Mike’s known forever, she was close friends with Mike’s ex), Mike and I were all in a private chatroom. Ali and Tommy were talking about how they were each others “somethings”. I made a comment about how “I wish I was someones something.”

The next day I had to work during the day. Our friend Dawn was having a party so I had my Dad watch Nickolas. Mike and Tommy came and picked me up from work that night. We got to Dawns house and while we were walking upstairs Mike stopped me. He whispered “Do you want to be my something? Will you go out with me.” I melted. It was priceless. We ended up going upstairs as a finally happy couple.

There’s some pictures from that night. There are TONS more but no one knows where any of them are. There are like 80 photos of Mike and I making out that night. LOL So that’s the story. That’s how we began. We lived happily ever after. Ha. Okay, maybe not happily ever after… we aren’t always happy but we’re content. We both are still madly in love with each other. We balance each other out perfectly. When I’m in rage attack he doesn’t argue back with me. He just lets me go off then waits until I’m completely run down from screaming then holds me and tells me he loves me. We both make each other a better person… a better version of ourselves. I love him.

After some consideration I respond with, “Potawatomi, for sure. Why did you get a baby sitter?”

“I talked to Dad today. They have a baby shower they’re throwing on Sunday for a friend of Mom’s, so they can’t watch them over night. He said it wouldn’t be a problem if it was for a few hours.” So Mike asked me what I wanted to do knowing we’d have a sitter. Mike calls his Mom “So, I told Dad this already, now I’m going to tell you. Nikki wants to go to Poto for her birthday. Dad said it would be alright to watch them for a few hours.” She responded with something along the lines, “Well I have a house to clean and I really need to get that done. I’d rather you do it tonight instead.” It was already 5:30. By the time we would’ve gotten the kids ready and over to their house and down to Poto, it would have been 7pm. We would have had an hour to play & eat by the time we would have to go pick up the kids before they fell asleep.

*sigh* So much for going out for my birthday. Mike felt absolutely awful. He kept saying he was sorry. I told him it was alright. We’ll do something else. He then says something about my new phone then. I told him, “I don’t want you spending $200 on a new phone for me. It’s just too expensive right now.” I mean, I really really want a new phone but its just too expensive right now. I’d feel more comfortable saving up my money and buying it for myself.

So the next day, Saturday, my birthday, Mike had to work until 2:30pm. The kids woke me up early. For the most part they behaved themselves. I told Nickolas, “Its my birthday. So you guys are going to be very good boys, right?”

“Well Mom, I know Mikhail won’t be but I promise to try.”It was so cute.

So when Mike came home we knew our best friends, Adam and Gwenn might be coming over. We had plans on grilling steak for them. Well, we didn’t know whether or not Adam was going to get off work.  So, we were hanging around just relaxing. Gwenn shows up. She didn’t know whether or not Adam was coming out of work or if he had to stay late so she came over anyways. We were sitting here talking when she said she needed notebooks for school. I mentioned Target. She mentions Starbucks. Mike offers to pay for our Starbucks. I ask Mike if I can get an expansion pack for the Sims 3. He said it was alright.

So we head out the door. I offer to drive. Mainly because I can smoke while I’m driving then. Gwenn doesn’t smoke but doesn’t mind me smoking so I drive. Remind you my car is really loud. There is no catalac (sp?) converter, and no muffler. It sounds like a motorcycle its so loud. We get to target and waste our time there. We get what we need. Browse clearance. Just enjoy time together talking. The boys are figuring out dinner.

So this is what I got:

Woot. I love The Sims. I own all expansion packs + game for the first and second additions to this game (probably almost $2500 worth of games).

We got our starbucks. I called Mike to find out what was going on for dinner. We decided we were going to eat at Kopps. This frozen custard place with burgers and chicken sandwiches (which are delicious). Gwenn and I headed to go pick up Adam at their house. We picked up Adam. Got our food and headed back to the house.

After we all ate we relaxed for a while outside. In my old apartment we had our own private patio. We don’t have that here so its sucks a bit. The boys caught fire flies with Gwenn for a while. Then we came inside. It was bedtime for the boys so we put them down.We then decided (Gwenn and I) that we were going to play Mario on the Wii. The boys hate that game, so they refuse. So second best, we’re going to play Mario Party 8.

We played one round when both the boys started complaining. Mike saying, “I hate this game!” He gets very bitter when he doesn’t win. LOL

Afterward we just relaxed, watched some tv until Mike practically fell asleep on the couch. Adam and Gwenn left. Mike and I went to bed. We laid entangled in each others arms. He rubbed my back. Until we fell asleep. I love those little moments like that. <3

All and all, it was an alright birthday. I really wanted to go to Potawatomi though. Maybe some other time when we have a sitter they’ll let us go. Tonight I went and bought some Tiramisu for myself as a birthday cake for me. Its the little things you do for yourself that add up to be a lot.

Alright. I’ve got to be honest with you. The kids are still awake *rips out hair* I have to keep getting up with them every 20 minutes so its making writing this entry difficult. So I’m going to just end it at that.

Pictures can be seen here.

It was a lot of fun. When we got there on Friday afternoon we all went out to eat at Buffalo Phil’s. It’s a really good restaurant. We all ate our fill of food and then headed over to the arcade to use the 4 free tokens we got with dinner. $15 spent later, we were finally ready to go to our room. Mike’s parents, his brother, and his brother’s friend had already been to the room. We walked in and were amazed. It was such a nice room and let me tell you Mike’s Mom got an AMAZING deal. We got the entire weekend for under $360. Which is cheap. Especially for getting a two bedroom condo is a waterpark resort. So we unloaded our stuff and let the boys run around for a while. After the two hour car ride, they were filled with energy.

Once we all settled in, we got changed and ready for the waterpark. There were four waterparks at this resort. Three of them are accessible, while the other one is way off on the other end, so we didn’t go to this one. After a twenty minute walk, we finally arrived at the waterpark. The first one we went to was a big wave pool. It had one water slide ride and a small little kids area off to the side. We played here for about an hour. The minute we walked in Mikhail began to shiver. The water was heated but not like bath water so he continued to shiver while he was playing. He refused to get out though. After a while, we were able to finally pry him from the pool and Mike’s Mom held him. Nick, Mike, and I played in the wave pool for a while. Then we continued our journey to the other waterpark.

The walk was short, maybe five minutes. We walked in and Grandpa had Mikhail. He was falling asleep in his arms. He was wiped out already! Mike’s parents said that we should just say with Nick and let him play for a while. They were going to take Mikhail upstairs to get ready for bed. Nick, Mike, and I laid on the lazy river for three laps. We let Nick get hit with this giant bucket of water.  We decided it was late enough and began to head back to the room. The walk back was freezing. It was so cold in the hallways. You’d think they would turn up the heat! It was negative zero outside. We finally got back to the room and found Mikhail still awake and playing.

After we got all our wet suits off it was time to relax. It was a long day and tomorrow would be even longer. I put the kids to bed, grabbed my school books and began to study. We stayed up until around 10:30pm or so that night before heading off to bed. It was an exhausting day and the waterpark just exhausted us more.

Pictures can be seen here.

Saturday morning we all woke up and had breakfast. Since we had a kitchen and dining room we decided to make pancakes and bacon for breakfast. After a few cups of coffee and relaxing we were ready to start the day.  Mike’s parents took the kids to the giant play area and arcade while Mike and I got ready. We were finally ready about an hour later. We headed down for another 2o minute walk to the play area. We grabbed the kids suits so they could just go directly to the third waterpark.

We got to the waterpark around 11am. Mikhail was already showing signs of being tired so we didn’t force him to go in the water. Nickolas booked as fast as he could in to the play area. It was a giant jungle gym covered with spraying water jets everywhere. He had a blast while we sat holding Mikhail making sure he was alright. The only thing that sucked was I had a cold when I got there, and apparently everyone else was getting sick too. They woke up with coughs and stuffy noses. We stayed at the waterpark for a few hours before going back. We decided to get Mikhail down for a nap while we were there in the room. We waited around for a little while and decided to have dinner. I was wiped out by this time. The cold I had was really kicking my ass.

After dinner, I was ready to call it a night. Nickolas was ready to go back to the waterpark. I kept asking everyone whats going on. Mike was sick as hell with something with his stomach. I didn’t want to take Mikhail down to the waterpark after how late it was. I didn’t know who was coming with me. All the sudden, Mike’s Mom was like, “Alright Nick. C’mon lets go.” She then took him to the waterpark. I was going to go, I just didn’t want to go by myself because I had no idea where I was going. So, after about an hour I made Mike come with me. We headed down to the waterpark and found his mom. Nick was playing in the water underneath the giant bucket.

We stayed there for a little while but it didn’t last long. We ended up getting Nick back to the room around 9pm. He was wiped out. Mikhail was wiped out. It was time for them to go to sleep. I laid down with Mikhail in his bed until he fell asleep. Nickolas followed right behind him. After the boys were asleep, Mike, his brother, his brother’s friend, and I all went to the arcade and played pool. They shut us down at 11pm and turned off all the games on us. Even though we were in the middle of a game. After that Mike and I decided to just go back to the room and turn in for the night.

Sunday morning was typical ‘day of leaving’ craziness. Everything had to be packed and ready to go by 10am. We got everything ready and all packed up and were out of our room by 9:30am. After loading up the car we decided to take the kids to the giant play area again so they can burn a little energy before our two our car ride home. For the most part, they did a good job. After playing some games in the arcade and redeeming our tickets, we headed out. We took our journey back home and made it there safely.

All in all, it was an enjoyable weekend. Vacations stress me out. It’s not my environment. I’m on high alert watching the kids because they’re in a new place and can get in to many new things. I end up yelling at them a lot more because I don’t feel comfortable letting them do what they’re doing. Which then in turns gets me more in trouble because I’m told, “leave them alone, they’re fine.” This ends up stressing me out more because now I feel like I can’t do anything right. Bleh! Vacations stress me out.

Thankfully both the boys were fairly well behaved. I didn’t have to yell. Although we were all sick it was very enjoyable. I can’t wait to go back there. This wasn’t the first time we’ve gone to the Dells but it was the first time with the kids there. SO yea… that was our weekend.

I know this is wrong. I understand completely how wrong it is to treat a child unfairly because of feelings and emotions you hold for their father. It is not Nickolas’ fault. It is not his doing. He doesn’t deserve it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t treat Nickolas how I would treat Matt. I treat Nickolas with as much love and affection as I can. Instead, I make dumb ass comments like, “God. Nick looks so much like his father; it annoys me.” Unnecessary comments that don’t need to be made. They don’t need to be said out loud. I got ‘busted’ out about this this past weekend.

I look at Nickolas, and I see his dad. Everything about Nick screams his dad. His attitude, his cocky mouth, his rolling his eyes… I shake my head just thinking about it. I don’t know if its painful for me to have a son be a spitting image of his father or what it is.

I hate that Nick has a father like him. I hate who he is. I hate everything about him. In fact, there is so much hatred I have built up towards him that I take it out on everyone and everything else. It’s not right. I wish I could somehow release this hatred I have. That way I didn’t get so hurt by Nick being like his Dad. I wish I could just let go of it all.

I wish I didn’t get upset by everything he did. I wish I could just let go of the fact that he’s not the perfect dad. He makes it out to be “I’m not doing anything wrong. He’s fed. He’s dressed in designer clothing. I see him. I’m paying you support. I buy him whatever he wants. I take him wherever he wants to go. We have a lot of fun together. There’s nothing I am doing is wrong.” I mean, I’m not the only one out there who feels as though he’s an ass. I’m also not the only one that feels a lot of what he does isn’t right. Like disappearing for weeks without a phone call to his son.

Sometimes I look at Nickolas and feel resentment. He represents a time in my life that was so wrong. There are so many what ifs attached to him. If I didn’t get pregnant with him would my life be any different? Would I have finished high school and kept my friends? Would I be in a better place? I know its not right to live life wondering the what ifs but this is such a big one that its hard not to. Then I have this face that is a constant reminder of someone who caused so much hurt and pain in my life. Someone who honestly ruined my life.

NO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO! YOU CAN’T THINK THAT WAY NIKKOLE! God dammit. WHY do you do that!?

He didn’t ruin your life. He gave you a beautiful, healthy child. A child that probably saved your life. If it wasn’t for this child you probably would be homeless and a drug addict. You probably would be out on your own, completely lost. This child made you grow up and blossom in to a mature adult. If you didn’t have Nickolas you wouldn’t have met Mike. You wouldn’t be where you are today and god dammit you have it good today. You have two beautiful children and a man who loves you to death.

I wish I didn’t feel like this towards Nickolas. I love him. I do, he’s my child. I love him. But there’s so much pain attached to him. I feel like he’s the black sheep of this family. I don’t want him to ever feel that way but here I am feeling it for him. That’s SO wrong. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Mike tries to love him as though he’s his own as much as he can, but I understand he’s not his father. I think I honestly make believe him treating the boys differently.

I feel like we’re so much harder on Nickolas. Maybe its because of his ADD that we have to be harder on him because he just doesn’t understand. Maybe its because he’s five years older than his brother, and when his brother grows up we’ll be the same on him. I don’t know. I JUST DONT KNOW. What I do know is NOTHING feels right. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong,. I feel like the worse mom in the world because I feel resentment towards my child because who his father is and what he represents. I don’t know what to do about this. I truly don’t.

… my mind is blank now. I’ve typed all what was on my mind. I’m going to just sit and cry for a little while. Please, comment… I don’t know what to think myself anymore.

For the most part, I enjoy being a parent. I’m not going to lie though, there are times where I down right hate it. I’m a young mom, having Nick at 16, I understand the struggles of being a teenage mom dealing with the hardships of parenting. Being that I have bipolar disorder also it makes things real difficult at times. Here are a few things that I deal with that I honestly believe will drive me to an ultimate insanity.

1. Mikhail’s obsession with the kitchen. We have a baby gate in both doorways of our kitchen. One you can walk through, and one you cannot walk through. Mikhail isn’t heavy enough to open the gate that you can walk through. Instead, he jumps on the lever until he builds enough momentum to get through. There are two things about the kitchen that drive me nuts.
   • Mikhail will take the dining room chair, very carefully through the gate. He will then turn on the light. Move the chair to play in the running faucet and any dishes that are in the sink until he is completely covered head to toe in water. This drives me nuts.
   • The following thing that Mikhail does in the kitchen is the main reason why I’m writing this blog post in the first place. Words cannot express how annoyed I become having to deal with this every 20 minutes on a daily basis. Mikhail is indecisive. He will pull me in to the kitchen. Since he does not talk he will point to the light switch. I will turn on the light. He will then ask to be picked up and placed on the counter top to be near the snack cabinet. He will turn on the over the stove light and fan. He will open the cabinets and stare in them for 10 minutes. He will then turn around, look at me, and grunt like he wants something. I then have to pick up each item, one by one, and show him. Chips? I show to him. He shakes his head or says no. Crackers? Nooo. Twenty-five items later. He has said no to all of them. He’s not down though. He wants to do it again. Fifteen minutes has passed and I begin this all over again. Chips? He grabs for them. SUCCESS! He points to a bowl. I give him some chips. He comes off the counter top. Takes his bowl and goes in to the other room. So, I’m ecstatic that’s over. But wait, half an hour later, what does he do? He drags me in to the kitchen and does it all over again. I seriously have to do this over 50 times a day. This drives me so crazy words cannot describe how nuts I get.
2. Nick’s noise level. I know “Boys will be boys.” but OMG. Nickolas’ noise level is through the roof. I can hear him no matter what room I am in.  He doesn’t talk, he screams. When he’s not screaming his words he’s screaming at the top of his lungs. This drives me nuts.
3. Nick’s inability to clean his room. “Go clean your room” is the biggest task in the world to him. To Nick, it means go in your room, pick up exactly three items. Place them in a different spot of the room. Come back out in the living room and say “its clean”. We, in return, say, “Go back in there and clean it right.” Now, repeat this process over forty times before you have to physically get up and go in his room and point at every single toy, tell him to pick that item up, tell him where it goes, and repeat until clean. This is more than likely due to his ADHD but still, it drives me nuts.
4. Nick’s inability to follow simple, direct commands. “Nick, pick up the box behind you.” He will bend down and look in front of him. “No, Nick, BEHIND YOU.” He will look to his sides still bent over. “NICKOLAS BEHIND YOU. THE BOX BEHIND YOU!!!” He will look around and say, “There is no box, Mom.” Livid, you yell, “NICKOLAS LISTEN TO WHAT I AM TELLING YOU. THERE IS A BOX BEHIND YOU. TURN AROUND. LOOK DOWN. NOW PICK UP THE BOX!” *smacks forehead* This happens all the time, for every very direct command or request you give to him.
5. Mikhail’s inability to fall asleep on his own. Mikhail refuses to go to sleep on his own. Now, the kids have a TV in their room. One in which they watch before bed. I have no problem with this. The noise soothes them and usually keeps them asleep through the night. If it helps keep them asleep, whatever I don’t care.  With that being said, here is how every single night’s routine happens.  Around 8pm, the boys are in bed. That is the rule. I place Mikhail in his crib, Nick under the covers. I go to walk out the door and close it slightly behind me. Then I hear it, blood curdling screaming. *sigh* I turn back around, and see Mikhail pointing on Nick’s bed. Here we go for another night. I lay down in bed next to Nickolas, I place my hand through the crib bars. Mikhail will then lay his head down on my open palm. He’ll watch tv for a while. Nick usually passes right out. If after twenty-thirty minutes pass and he doesn’t seem to be going to sleep anytime soon, I get up, turn off the tv. I will lay back down next to Mikhail, place my hand underneath his head and wait. Usually waiting occurs for anywhere between twenty minutes to two hours. It depends on how restless he is, and how much he’s fighting his sleep. I wish I could break him of this. This drives me nuts.

Now, before you want to bash me for my thoughts on MY parenting…
Please take note, I understand my parenting techniques aren’t the greatest, but I’m young, and I’m learning. I also am well under the impression I need more patience. I suffer from bipolar disorder, which includes an extreme case of rage. I have anger issues. I take pills for it. I’m working on it. So with that being said, what are your thoughts? What are your annoyances with parenting.

I’ll be including more segments of this newest article on Eternal Amour. Thanks for letting me rant and rave. More coming soon !

So, what else is happening with me? I got a med change/increase in the past few weeks. I’m now on an antidepressant. Which is slowly getting increased until I stop feeling so down in the ditch. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. No motivation, you know, all the normal depression crap that one has to deal with while being depressed. Slowly the meds are being increased and slowly I’m starting to feel better. I just hope this increase does the job. I’m blogging so that counts for something, right?

I talked to my Dad. *gasp* Shocking, I know. He called me after I had called him many times to try to chat. He finally called me back. We basically just caught up. Nothing was said about what happened. No apologies were made. We just went right back to the father/daughter conversations we used to have. He was tired from work so we didn’t chat long. He invited me to Christmas at his house for our family too. Which, really made me feel good. I was going to be really upset spending Christmas without my family. Mike and I talked it over and we’ve decided we’re going to go. So, that makes me feel a little better. I’ll probably hear it from my family about my actions of this year but I’m mentally preparing myself for whatever they dish out at me.

I’m getting my GED finally. I’ve decided its time. I want to go to school. I have a couple of friends in school and I find myself jealous of them. I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life, ya know? Anyways, a little back story behind this bull shit… I dropped out of high school at 15 due to Matt. He wanted me out of school because he felt my friends were corrupting my mind. I dropped out for him. After we broke up, I went back to school. Decided to do my high school diploma all over again. I went to Penn Foster Career School for four years. I got all 37 credits again. I passed with a 3.8GPA. I busted my ass. I decided last year that I was going back to school – I come to find out my “diploma” is no good. Its useless. They won’t accept it, in fact, no one will accept it. I spent $700 and four years on nothing. So I was told to get my GED. The whole reason why I went back to high school to get my diploma was so I didn’t have to get my GED and so I could have a good transcript to show off my capabilities. *sigh* So much for that thought. Anyways, there’s this book – McGraw-Hill’s GED – that I am going to get. It’s only $14, and 1100 pages. It’s a textbook sized book. It teaches you step-by-step through Language Arts, Writing, Math, Social Studies, and Science. It gives you pre and post tests so you can test your knowledge and what you’ve learned. I have to wait until I get child support to buy it because I literally have $14 and some change in my bank account.  I know I’ll be getting child support soon so that’s not an issue. Its my antsyness that is going to be a problem. I’m eager to do this now, not later. I have to really grab but the horns when I want to do something and run with it otherwise it will never happen.

So, anyways, that’s whats going on with me. I don’t have much more going on. I’ll try to keep up to date with this blogging and do it at least once a week so I can get everyone up to speed with whats happening and so I can keep track of what’s going on too. Talk to you all later.

Christmas is coming. Mike and I tried to save up. Okay, we saved $260 specifically for Christmas. Here’s what we got so far for the kids:

Mikhail – My first RC car
Semi-truck car holder
Little People’s Garage

Nickolas – A new bike
Lego Batman game
(He’s also getting a Nintendo DS from Grandma, along with a few games.)

Shared – Massive box of lego blocks.

We have $100 left to spend and completely unsure of what else to get them. The kids have everything. I’ll quote a friend here when I say, “It looks like Toys R Us had a tornado in their bedroom.” The kids have everything they could want. Nick has 200+ DVDs, puzzles, tons of books, loads of board games (he don’t take care of them otherwise I would buy him more), a Tag Reading System, a Leapster gaming system, (2) gameboy advanced systems. More toys than I can count. Mikhail doesn’t have many toys. I couldn’t possibly buy them a single outfit because their dressers are so full they’re bursting. I can’t even put half their clothes in them. Majority of the clothes are sitting on top of the dressers because they don’t fit. Honestly, what the hell do you buy children that have EVERYTHING?

So, I have the dilemma of what else do I get them. Then, it pulls on my heart strings they’re not getting a lot this year. Mike and I just didn’t save up enough. The stuff they’re getting are BIG items. So, is that enough? I have $100 left to get a few more things. Toys are so damn expensive now a days.

Why does this bother me so much? I mean, you bought them a lot. A new bike!? That is more than most kids get. My parents stopped Christmas when I was a very young. Okay, actually my Mom stopped Christmas when I was only 7 or 8 years old. My Dad stopped buying for me meaningful gifts when I had children. My family has a rule, when you have children, you’re done getting gifts. Your children get your gifts. Fine, understandable. I mean, you can’t afford to buy for both. I get it. Last year my Dad gave me this plastic paper sorter. That they found at a rummage sale. It had so much dust on it that it was grey instead of black. That’s what I got. Meaningful, eh? That’s why Christmas bothers me so much for my kids. I want to be sure they get everything they want. Once again, what do you get a child that has everything? No matter what I’ll be spending that remaining $100 on them equally. Is that going to be enough? Is it enough to call it a good Christmas? These are things I worry about.

I recently increased my Risperidal to 4MG from 2MG. I started to feel restlessness in my entire body. You know restless leg syndrome, I was feeling restless body syndrome. It was really bad. I called my doctor and told him about what I was experiencing. He told me to start taking Benadryl to counter the side effects of the Risperidal. So, I started to add Benadyl to my cocktail of medication and I got increasingly worse. I sped up. It was like a manic episode I’ve never experienced before. I can describe it two ways to you all.

1. I felt like I was on 30000000MG of speed. I’ve never taken speed but I can assume this is how it felt.

2. You know how when you’re 20 minutes late, and you just realize you have to run out the door. You have about 15 items you have to grab from various parts of the house. The adrenaline rush you feel going through that. The go go go I have to move fast… I felt like that for three days straight.

I called my doctor again and told him my newest symptoms. He didn’t say much other than it didn’t sound like side effects from the Risperidal and if I get any worse I should go to the hospital.

I got to a point where I called my Mom and she couldn’t understand a single word I was saying to her. I was talking so fast that I was speaking gibberish. I went to her house and my hands were shaking. I’m not talking tremors, I’m talking as though I was seizuring.  Finally, I called the hospital and went through the phone evaluation and registration. They gave me a call back and told me that I should come in. I asked how long I would be there, they said, usually a week. I started crying. I went over to Lynn’s house (mike’s mom) and told her. She started rearranging her schedule with Mike so they could take off work while I went in. I told Mike they wanted me to come in at 1:30pm and cried to him because I wouldn’t even be able to say good-bye to him. He told me he’d be home soon. I got another phone call from the hospital asking if I could change my check-in time to 4:00pm. Mike came to his Mom’s house and we left the baby there to go home while I packed my bag.

I packed everything really quickly and jumped in the shower. I got out and Mike was really sad. I told him, “I need for you to be strong for me. You can do this. You can take care of the kids and you’re going to be great.” We ended up just standing there holding each other. I was hysterical at this point. I didn’t want to leave him or the kids. He told me, “I need for you to go. Go there, get better. Get better for yourself. Do this for me, please for once, just be selfish and get better for yourself. If you’re selfish this once you can get better and come back to us. Please do this for me. We did everything right. You took the medicine like you were supposed to. You seen the doctors like you were scheduled. Sometimes, we just need a little more help.” This of course made me cry more. I couldn’t believe how supportive he was being.

Long story short, we shared a lot of tears and sadness about my departure for what was supposed to be a week long trip to the hospital. He dropped me off at the hospital and I checked in. I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe I was expecting something completely different from what I experienced when I was 13 and went to one of these hospitals. I checked in after an hour of waiting. I was introduced to my nurse and the staff. I walked in to the main room where the television was and where everyone was eating and began to have a panic attack. I didn’t want to be near these people! These people are insane! I’m not insane. I’m just having a bad reaction to my meds, why the hell am I here?! I got taken to my room and all my belongings were there. They took away my notebook, pens, and markers. I bought a weeks worth of clothes, three books, and coloring book with crayons too. Those items weren’t taken away though. I laid down on my bed and just cried for a little while. I didn’t know what the hell I got myself in to.

I went out to the front desk and asked if I could make a phone call. They handed me the phone and expected me to make a personal call with them standing right there. I called Mike and told him I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay there. They expected me to have a room-mate. I can’t have room-mates. I can’t be around people. I can only watch tv in a room filled with these crazy people. Mike asked me to please stay and get better. I argued that I felt fine. My symptoms were gone! I got off the phone with him and went back to my room to think it over. If I have felt fine all day today, then why stay? My panic attack was growing increasingly worse. I called Mike again and told him I was coming home. I asked the nurse, while on the phone with him, how I go about leaving. She told me she’d explain when I got off the phone.

She gave me the run down of the procedure… “You understand that you’ll be leaving against doctors orders. We have 24 hours to request a doctor to see you. Within 24 hours, you will be released. Just so you’re aware there is a chance the insurance company won’t cover the charges for this visit if you leave this way, etc etc.”

I told her I didn’t care, I just wanted to go home. We signed the paperwork at 6:30pm. Within 24 hours of then, I would be home to my boys and to my man. I went back to my room and just started reading. That’s all I wanted to do was read. I read for another hour or so before I grew bored. The lithium was causing my internal temperature to rise and my room felt like it was 900°F, I asked if they could turn the heat down in the room but it did no good. My room-mate showed up and was throwing a massive fit. She was there against her will and was going to make time there a living hell for whoever she crossed paths with. I tried to stay out of the room while she was in there.

They came in with my medication around 8pm. They gave me some sleeping pill which did absolutely nothing. The heat in my room and being in a scary place alone caused me to toss and turn for what seemed like forever. I finally dosed off and my room-mate came in slamming doors and throwing her fit. I was so aggravated. After two hours or so, I went back to sleep.

6:30am the next morning we had a knock on the door. It was a nurse there to take bloodwork. I rolled over and sat up in bed still groggy and unawake. The nurse couldn’t find the vein so she poked me four different times. Great way to be woken up, I tell ya. After she left, I went in to the main room got some coffee and since no one was out there I watched the news. Today was gonna be the day I was going to go home!

I talked to the morning nurse who read through my chart and wanted to hear my story. I explained to her why I wanted to go home and told her I felt great. Which was the truth, I didn’t have any Benadryl, which I believe is the culprit to why I sped up in the first place. She told me that the doctor wouldn’t be around until 11am – 1:30pm. She said I should attend some group therapy sessions and get the most out of the time I’m going to spend there.

I ended up in my room nearly the entire day reading. I went to three group therapy sessions just to pass the time faster. The doctor didn’t come and see me until 2pm. I explained to him what happened and told him that I felt great. He explained that it would be beneficial if I were to stay there and they’d monitor my medication closely while being there. I told him I just wanted to go home. He asked me to take back my discharge that I signed the previous night. I told him I wouldn’t do it unless I was promised I was going home. He promised me I was going to go home today and I signed whatever paperwork he wanted me to sign. The reason he discharged me without me going against doctors orders was so the insurance company paid for my visit. It was really nice of him in fact.

Around 4:30pm, I called Mike and got released. I walked to his truck with all three of my boys in tow. I gave Mike the biggest hug I could while being in a truck and told him how much I missed him.

I know it sounds crazy. You were only away from him for 24 hours. That was too much for us. Of course I missed the kids too but not like I missed Mike. It was indescribable how I felt being away from him. The fact that we’ve been together nearly six years and still feel this way about each other astonishes me. I don’t know where I’d be without him and he feels exactly the same way as I do.

… so a lot more happened but I’m really tired. I wrote a lot here. There’s my hospital stay. Hopefully now that I am slowly starting to feel like myself I’ll start posting more and keeping you all up to date.

So, we’re all moved in now. It took us less than 4 hours to have everything loaded in the truck, moved to the new house, and unloaded. We worked quickly. It just shows how much hard work I put in to the packing and sorting that made things that much easier. *wink* We’ve been here for almost two weeks now and it feels like so much longer. I went crazy once we were all in. I wanted everything set up and put together, sorted, organized, etc. immediately too. By Saturday night, that morning was when we moved, the house looked like we had lived there at least 2-3 months. There was a few boxes here and there but for the most part, it was home. It took a while for me to get back in the swing of things and to feel comfortable here. These new medications didn’t help that at all.

Anyways, I’m going to just show the pictures. This is the apartment before we had moved in…

So, there it is, that’s my apartment. We took those pictures on Friday night after getting the keys. It was so exciting. That night Mike, Adam, Gwenn, and I hung out a while, went to dinner, and moved a few boxes. The next morning was when the big move was. We got a 24FT truck. We started moving around 8:30am. The entire truck was loaded and we were ready to drive to the new place around 9:30am. Everyone arrived around 10am, we began to unload. I really believe around 11-11:30am we were done unloading and the house was filled with boxes. I honestly should have taken pictures of how this living room looked with all the boxes and furniture just thrown in the middle. Remind you, the beds, and the bedroom stuff was all in their designated rooms.

Gwenn and I began to unpack. She thinks the same as I do when it comes to “we have the motivation, might as well use it and get some of this done.” We started on the kitchen first. One by one, we began to unpack the boxes, load the cabinets, and put things away. We moved from room to room working on each one. The boys focused on the living room. I’d by that night we were pretty much all set up. There was some boxes around but it amazing how quick this place came together. If you walked in you would have thought we lived here two-three weeks. This next set of pictures were taken on Sunday night. Mike and I had spent nearly all day Sunday cleaning the old apartment, so we didn’t do much that day.

As you can see we did a lot of work over the course of those two days. I got a lot of the house set up. Obviously there were still boxes here and there, but regardless I did all that in two days so buzz off!

Alright, I have to be honest here. I’ve been doing this entry over the past three days and I lost all thoughts and ideas with whatever else I was going to say. I’m going to end this entry with that. Enjoy the pictures!

First off, we went to look at the apartment again yesterday. It wasn’t nearly as big as we had both remembered it. Yes, it’s still big. No, its not bad that it wasn’t as big. Do I regret getting the apartment? Absolutely not. It’s still going to fit us, and all our stuff – hopefully. The last time we looked at the apartment we both did a really quick walk-through and didn’t pay attention to details just size. Not to mention, Mike was doped up on vicodin because of getting his wisdom teeth pulled.

I had a few problems with the the apartment the last time we went, those included:

• coin laundry in basement (we currently have a washer and dryer in my unit that is my own)
• kitchen is small
• school is further away
• pink tiles in the bathroom o.0 Yikes!
  

Alright, so all that stuff doesn’t sound too bad right? Well, really they’re not horrible cons, just something I’d be sacrificing moving in to this place; definitely something I’ am willing to do. Upon walking around again we finally got to see the basement, which we didn’t see before. We noticed that our storage locker was a very decent size and a plus is there’s built-in shelves which is really nice. The laundry room is an actual enclosed floating little room. – Usually when you live in an eight family apartment building you have 2-4 sets of washers and dryers in the basement just floating in the middle of the basement. Which worried me because I questioned how the hell I was going to be able to do the laundry while having Mikhail with me. Well, that worry was smashed when I saw the laundry room. Which is seriously this little brick room that is floating in the middle of the basement, completely enclosed and locked. So, I would just have to get the clothes and everything down there with Mikhail and then have him run around the little room (he can’t get in to too much down there since its probably only 10ft by 10ft) while I do my laundry. Awesome. One problem solved.

The next thing was that the kitchen a lot larger than I remembered. It was still smaller than mine, but who cares? It has a dishwasher! There was a really nice black shelf that was at eye level across the entire length of the sink which I thought was really nice. I was thinking of getting a vinyl decal that says “A cup of coffee shared with a friend is time well spent” which you can preview here: link I just don’t know if it will fit and would have to measure the shelf first. I’d also have to see how far the light is above the sink (or if there even is one)

The next thing is the dining room. You are probably saying, “What could possibly be wrong with a dining room?” Well, not a lot can be. I thought it was a lot bigger. You see, I’ve been over thinking this whole moving thing. Designing stuff in my mind, rearranging furniture and such already. Well, I failed to remember that the dining room is NOT as big as I recalled it being. *shrugs* That’s alright. So, I can’t set up the layout like I originally planned, I can work around that, right? Absolutely. So what else is the problem? Well, you see I recently went on an excursion to find some new fabric to reupolster my dining room chairs. I found some that I really liked after a long extended search and a lot of different choices of “I kind of like this one, and that one.”. I went with the red with tan, green, and dark brown accents. It has an oriental or asian like feel to it. I even bought some canvas to make a few wall panels to hang above the table to really make it look awesome…

So, awesome. Right? Yes. I thought so. I plan on doing a nice red or tan table cloth and some other accents on the table and/or centerpiece. So what’s the problem? I failed to notice the first time I went to the apartment that there is country-like wine & food platter wallpaper border around 2/3 walls of the dining room. Son of a bitch. Will it be okay? Absolutely. I’ll make it work. I noticed the colors in the wallpaper border do match the chairs, so that worked out for me. I will just have to either some how cover it up temporarily or just put stuff in front of it and hope no one notices. We’ll figure it all out when we’re there. I will make it work!

So the bathroom tile is peach, not pink. You also can very easily cover it with a shower curtain and it’s not that bad. Besides that, everything else is white so no worries about what colors I’ll do the rest of them!

The kids room is just as big as I remember it, if not bigger. They have the biggest room of the entire house. Even bigger than the living room. I showed a few people this picture and they thought that this was a picture of the living room. Remind you, the window on the right side is only half the window and there is just as much space as you see on the opposite side (meaning the window is in the middle of that wall on the right) … same goes for the other window too. Pictures never do any justice to size of the room because you can’t see the whole thing.

So, what else can I tell you? I made some magnets to go for my new kitchen…

I honestly don’t have much more to say. I’m really excited to be moving, if you haven’t noticed already. I am getting anxious and all that too. I am losing sleep over this, but that could just be my new medication I’m on. I’m extremely restless with stuff running through my head. I wish I could just turn it off.

We haven’t quite decided whether or not we’re going to get the internet immediately after we move in. We might wait a few weeks before getting it. The main reason for this is that we are paying a little more with this apartment and we need to get used to that bit of a price adjustment. Not only that, but we have a lot we can get done and quite frankly don’t need to be distracted with the internet. I get SO much done when the internet is out. I have no will power to keep myself off it. I have no self control. *hangs head in shame* I am an addict. I admit this.  So, we’ll see what happens. I’d still tweet and stuff via my phone, so no worries about keeping up with the latest and greatest.

I may or may not write another entry from now until the move. I just don’t know how busy I will be from now until then, and obviously if I don’t write for a few weeks after, you know why.