I had a therapy appointment on Tuesday. I always cringe at the thought of going to therapy. If it wasn’t for disability I’d stop going all together. I don’t get absolutely no benefits from going. I have been seeing the man for two years and we’ve never had any ‘revelations’ or real break thrus. *rolls eyes* So what’s the point? *sigh*I have to keep going. I have to at least keep going until I know what’s going on with disability. My attorney told me to continue on with seeing my doctors so I am seeing my doctors. Therapist even asked me, TWICE, whether or not I was going back to work. “So, you’re uhm, you have no plans on returning to work anytime soon?”  I explained to him, if I return to work, I’m going to only be able to work up to $1000 per month. So what’s the point? If I hear back from disability and they deny me once again then I’ll stop perusing it for now and move on. The possibility of returning to work will be a little greater. Until then, stop asking me!!! Would it shut them up to say “No, I’m going to continue being a SAHM.”? I have to keep going. I have to keep going. I HAVE TO KEEP GOING!!! Hmph. Moving along…

So, this weekend we are going up to Mike’s Grandparents’ house for the weekend. Nickolas calls it the “red house” because they own a cottage on the lake – its red. Mike’s Grandparents place is up the driveway across the street. So they own the properties on both sides of the street. I have to pack tonight (along with a shit ton of other stuff that needs to be done). I wrote out a list of all the shit we need. Four people, for 2 days, equals 1 ‘duffle’ bag which is bigger. A laptop bag, because I want to bring my laptop so I have something to do say after the kids go to bed… I want to pixel basically. Grandma and Grandpa don’t have internet so I won’t have the ability to do that but I will be able to pixel. So, all the basic stuff I have to pack, shirts, shorts, pants, socks, underwear, flip flops, etc. Plus, I have to pack the pharmacy in which we have: Nick’s medication, ALL my medications, Mike’s medications (his saline rinse stuff, nose spray, pills, etc), plus Mikhail’s allergy medication just in case, AND cold medicine just in case. While town is only 20-30 minutes away, we’re only going ot be there two days so I’d rather be prepared with this stuff than have to go “Oh crap, I need to run to Walgreen’s now we all have to jump in the van and go. It should be a good time. The boys usually really enjoy it up there. I’ve personally never stayed in Grandma and Grandpa’s house so I have no idea how this is gonna go. The unknown of this kinda makes me worry and/or not want to go, but that’s just because I don’t know what it’s going to be like. Oh well we will see how it goes… I’ll blog about it when I return, maybe on Monday or something. We’ll see.

We’re going back up to the cottage in July, during my birthday, for a week or so. That will be a laid back week. We will be there for a whole week (or at least most of a week, I haven’t quite figured out what’s going on with that yet. It all depends on Mike’s vacation time and such).  I like it when we stay up there for a longer period of time. You disconnect from the world (there’s no internet, and most of the time your phone doesn’t have signal). Its just sun, fun, swimming in the lake, sun bathing on the pier, reading old magazines, snacking on food all day long, and being so worn out from the fresh air that you sleep heavenly. It took me a while to get used to being up there without Mike. (Usually he could not get off work for all the day we’d be up there, so he’d come up on the weekends and I’d be there with Mike’s parents or just his Mom for the entire time.)

Pixeling has been going well… I have, somewhat, been coming up with things to pixel. The website (Dreamy Designs) has been coming along nicely. I had the site originally in i-frames. Which was great. Until I went to add a “donate” pay pal button in the menu and when you’d click on the pay pal button it would open in the menu frame and not show up entirely so it was a wreck. So last night I spent about an hour converting the entire thing to DIV layout. Everything looks the same – minus the “frame” or box I had around the menu and main content window… *shrugs* What are you gonna do? It looks alright. It might not be 100% valid but its closer than it was. I’m going to work some more on the characters I made… “puffies” and “rosies” they have like 8 different animals in 16 different poses or something like that. I want to make clothes for them and other various things to add to the set before selling it.

As for what my plans are for the rest of the day… they’re busy. I’m surprised I’m taking the time to blog in the first place because I have so much to do. First off, Mike requested I do some laundry because he needed some things washed. Which was fine… so I started that this morning. Soon as Nickolas got off on the bus, I started it. I honestly HATE laundry!!! I hate it now that I don’t have my own washer and dryer that is. I’ve stated this before… at our old [ghetto] apartment we had a washer and dryer hook-ups right in unit. It was in the hallway between the bedrooms and the living room. VERY CONVENIENT!!! NOOOOOW, I have to go downstairs to the basement, and pay $2.75 a load for laundry. Ridiculous! Preposterous! Nuts… Oh well, what are you gonna do? The apartment we’re in now is bigger. It’s maintained, well kept, just all in all, better.

During laundry, my Mom will be coming over with my niece for a little while. She will be visiting. She will not be cleaning or helping with anything today. I already told her there’s nothing for her to do so she can come and just relax. (Giving her more of a reason to come instead of making excuses why she can’t.) Mikhail and Milli will be able to play for a while together while Mom and I talk and have some adult conversation (YAY) Haha. That reminds me… poor Lynn… I talk her ear off whenever I’m over there because I don’t get a lot of people to talk to so when I see someone I’m like blah blah blah blah blah – etc.

Tonight, once Nickolas and Mike comes home, we will be headed to the grocery store. I don’t know if Mike’s going to let me get everything on my list or if he’s going to tell me to wait before getting everything and just get what we need for tonight since we won’t be home all weekend. *shrugs* We will see… he’ll probably tell me to wait for everything else and just get what we need for tonight. He needs to get everything to make eclair torte which he needs for work.

After that we have packing to do… LOTS of packing to do. OH JOY!!! I absolutely LOVE packing. It’s my most favorite thing to do of all time! I don’t know how much more I can make that sound as sarcastic as I can. Packing sucks. I never know what to pack. Do I pack according the weather? Do I pack extra clothes because I have boys and they will destroy everything they’re in? Do I pack this or that? OMG I HATE IT. I also hate packing so much where it looks like I packed my entire house and then people are like “you don’t need that much!” Hmph. It’s a lose/lose situation.

What else? Anything else? Hmm… My mood has been better. For the most part at least. I’m not beating myself up over everything as much as I was before. It’s still there but just not as much. My bipolar for the most part has stabilized – compared to what it was when we first started this whole process two years ago. So it’s a start. I’m still scared to return to work. I still think I need disability. I don’t think I’m cured… I think I’m FAR FROM CURED. I’m not going to get a job just to quit that job because I can’t handle it. I’m not wasting people’s time… ya know?

In two days, I will have been quit smoking for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! Other than right now because I’m talking about it, I haven’t even had a craving in the past three days. Not once. Smoking crossed my mind but it wasn’t a craving. It was just a “oh, I used to smoke.” type of thing. Its a miracle! NOW, with that being said, IF Mike were to give me permission to have a cigarette again, I would, in a fucking heart beat. Isn’t that sad?? After all my hard work and all that I’ve been through I would still smoke in a heart beat if given permission to do so. *sigh* Its pitiful really.

Alright. I suppose that’s all for now. I have to change Mikhail’s diaper – OH! POTTY TRAINING!!! That’s a fucking joke! A little back story …

Mikhail out of NO WHERE went in to the bathroom and sat on the potty. He went potty, pee and poop, that day. He was doing great for like three days. THEN IT STOPPED. That was like 6 months ago. Since then we’ve bought underwear and pull-ups. Since then he has gone on the potty, sporadically, for the past few months. Meaning he will go on the potty once, one day, and then not do it again for a week or two. UGHHH!!! So, Mike’s Mom is like “do what we did with Nickolas, put him in underwear and once he feels that wet on him he won’t like it and will go on the potty.” I did that. Mikhail peed all over my fucking house. He didn’t care that he was wet. If I hadn’t checked him he would have sat in it for the entire day! So that didn’t work. I tried bribing him with candy and movies and tv and computer time, you name it, I bribed him with it. We thought for sure the candy would do the trick. He loves candy. NOPE. So, now I’m being told ” Don’t buy no more diapers and tell him he has no choice but to wear underwear and go on the potty.” He won’t do it. He FLIPS OUT when he’s told he HAS to wear diapers. I have friends telling me that this takes finesse  and not being pushed in to doing it. You go to ease him in to it. He has to be ready. Blah Blah BLAH! I don’t know what to do anymore. He HAS to get potty trained because I’m fucking SICK of hearing about how oh such in such is potty trained and they’re only 2. Or how my niece is potty trained and she’s two days younger than Mikhail. “Its time to get him potty trained” NO FUCKING SHIT. IF ITS SO GOD DAMN EASY YOU COME FUCKING DO IT! I am out of answers. I’ve read EVERY SINGLE potty training article I could find and I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what more to do.

/end rant. *phew* Ok. That’s all for now. I mean it this time. No, really. That’s it. Ok. Talk to you all again soon. Probably Monday after I’m home from being up north. I’ll tell you all about it.

These are some dark times. I’m going through a really dark time right now. My [also] bipolar friend informed me what I’m going through is not mania or depression but a different cycle all together. I was going to write this last night when I had everything on my mind and I was going through one of my “episodes” but it was late and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get it in to words exactly what I had to say.

Let me see if I can sum it up for you while I’m level headed and not going through an episode.

I feel as though nothing I do is good enough.  My confidence in my parenting is absolute shit. I feel as though I have to change SO much about myself to please everyone else its overwhelming. I know, I know… before you even say it. “You don’t have to change yourself for anyone, be yourself!” What if I don’t like who I am. There are things about myself I want to change because they’re fucked up. One being my self care. I have HORRIBLE self care. I won’t get in to details about it because I’m embarrassed but I don’t take care of myself at all. (You people are probably thinking, “Its no wonder you have dentures.” No seriously I have dentures because of multiple reasons that have nothing to do with brushing my teeth. There are TONS of 20 something year old people out there who don’t brush their teeth and don’t have dentures so whatever. I’ve gone over why I have dentures in other posts… I’m not going to get into here. How can I teach my children good self care when I don’t have it myself? Don’t get me wrong, my kids aren’t dirty. For the most part, I ask them to brush their teeth. They wash behind their ears. But it’s not at the level I want it to be. Which is probably excessive but still. I can’t get in to it without being embarrassed. In summary, I have no self care. The kids are taken care of so don’t go calling CPS saying I don’t clean my kids. I just wish it was more.

Next thing… I yell. No I yell ALL-THE-TIME! Its like I don’t know how to talk… I just yell. I know my kids shouldn’t be raised with constant yelling, this is why I’m working on changing that. I just don’t know how exactly to do it. I know, I know, “Try to be calmer with them. When you feel hte urge to yell just take a deep breath and count to 10 and then handle the problem.” You don’t understand though… It is seriously like Nickolas MUST be yelled at to comprehend anything that’s being said to him. He will not pay attention or do what you’re asking them unless you’re yelling. And when I mean yelling I mean raised voice I’m not talking about screaming at the absolute top of my lungs to where it hurts.  Jesus I have to explain myself a lot in this post, why am I writing it again? OK. Yes… sometimes it is screaming at hte absolute top of my lungs, but this is almost ONLY when I’m having a rage attack and I don’t have those hardly ever anymore…  Anyway, I yell a lot. I don’t want to yell a lot any more. Nick only responds to yelling. I even yell when I’m “talking” to Mike about normal conversation. It’s a becoming an issue.

What else? God there was sooo much more. OH! The fucking fact that I honestly, truly, deep down inside, believe I am not able to work yet. Everyone thinks I’m ready to work because I have had a few good weeks… They’re not all good. There are manic days and depressed days within those weeks. Its not ALL good. In the bigger picture, yes, I’m doing better… considering what I was at.  This makes me feel fucking awful. I can’t contribute to ANYTHING to this family. Sure I cook and I clean but what is that doing for MONEY… MONEY is what’s important here. Yes… I’m keeping the family together. Yes I’m taking care of the kids (I’d argue not well enough but that’s a different topic). Yes. I have dinner prepared every night so everyone can eat. Its NOT ENOUGH. I’m not cleaning enough. I’m not cooking enough. I’m not doing ENOUGH. To me the house is absolutely FILTHY. (TO ME!!! I have HIGH expectations)  To me I’m failing at what I’m supposed to be doing. Every time Mike walks in the house and grabs the vacuum to do the floor I die a little on the inside because I know I didn’t do my part. WE NEED MONEY THOUGH. We are just barely getting by. I know, I know, “Everyone is struggling right now. Everyone is just barely scraping by.”

Mike enlightened me today on how he really felt. I’m not going to get in to it because quite frankly its not my business to discuss. Long story short, he showed me how he really felt and it made me feel absolutely awful because he beats himself up over EVERYTHING (just like me, the exact reason for this post). Because he beats himself up I beat myself up because I can’t work and can’t contribute to bills. GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING DISABILITY BULL SHIT!!! GOOOOOOOOOD If fucking disability would come through WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS ISSUE! But NOOOOOOO THEY FUCKING WONT GIVE ME DISABILITY! *smashes head* Its been two years since I applied for disability. I have a lawyer. I’ve been to court. But still I’m waiting… and waiting… and waiting… There are people out there who have hardly NO proof that they’re disabled and they get it INSTANTLY. I have lawyers AND doctors who feel as though I qualify for disability and what do I get? Nothing. I legit can’t work. I legitimately have a reason behind why I can’t work and why I feel as though I need disability and here I am unable to get it becuase the fucking douche canoes out there that lie through their teeth just because they don’t want to work GET IT INSTEAD.

I called my attorney and told them I lost my job. Partially because it was a seasonal job, but partially because of my issues with bipolar disorder. They said “We’ll have a case manager get back to you.” Guess who NEVER got back to me? What the fuck? These people are supposed to be helping me? Its NO WONDER I haven’t won!

*Sigh* OK… My parenting. My parenting skills in my eyes. SUCKS. I don’t spend enough time with the kids. I don’t play with the kids enough. I don’t read to the kids enough. I don’t work with Mikhail enough with his colors, numbers, shapes, letters, speech, etc. I don’t cook well … whats the word … ahh idk. I don’t cook well enough to be considered ‘trophy’ wife material. The kids get whatever they want to eat for the night… grilled cheese, easy mac, hot dogs, viola meal (chicken noodles, veggies) -only Mikhail eats this, chicken nuggets… There are times Mikhail will eat broccoli (I make it for myself, I put it on their plates… they chose not to eat it) I have more recently started to just cook whatever I want for dinner and if they dont want to eat it they don’t eat. Nick has tried a few more things doing this… everytime he takes a bite though he goes “EW NO NO NO I DONT LIKE IT” every single time. I force him to eat it anyway. I know he likes it when he doesn’t put too much of a fight up for it… when he’s screaming and crying and just throwing up the biggest fight in the world, it means he don’t like it. *sigh* Its a work in progress… There are still days I give in and make them what they want because I didn’t make anything elaborate for dinner. Brings me to my next topic… I haven’t been cooking ANYTHING elaborate – which means the kids have been eating whatever they want – because Mike has no appetite. Which brings me to my next topic.

Mike’s been having issues… He has sinus pressure which is causing dizziness. My assumption – I’m no doctor – but what I assume is the sinus pressure is building so immensely that it’s draining in to his ears, which is effecting his inner ear, which is fucking with his dizziness, vertigo, and balance. Yes, he was diagnosed with vertigo. He doesn’t know the difference between dizziness and the room spinning (I feel, think, know the difference between the two unless I’m retarded and there is no difference between the two) So anyway… This all started a few months ago. They gave him antibiotics, they got better but never fully went away. But it was only intense then… So then a few months later, it got INTENSE again so Mike went in, he got antibiotics, and was sent on his way. Well, it came back again, it happened on Wednesday. He came home from work and he was extremely dizzy. He had extreme sinus pressure. It was bad. So he called to just talk to a nurse or his dr. but they had already left for the day so he ended up speaking to someone at urgent care. They said come in if its really bad. So he scheduled an appt with his primary doctor for the next day. Thursday. So the next day (Thursday) Mike called in to work. We went to his doctors appointment. The doctor diagnosed him with a sinus infection. Put him on a different dosage/kind of antibiotic. Told him to keep taking his anti-dizzy pills he was prescribed a long time ago. He was sent on his way. So we fill his scripts right away. The antibiotics say, right on the bottle, may cause dizziness. AWESOME. So he takes the antibiotics. He gets a work release for Thursday and just in case Friday too. So he calls in Friday. We go all day Friday and Saturday… it seemed the best on Saturday. He actually got up and moving (we went to the store and his parents house). He was wiped out when we got home but at least he was able to move around. Then Sunday came and it was just bad the entire day. He was just dizzy all day long. His anti-dizzy pills weren’t doing anything. His mucinex that he was taking for the sinus pressure wasn’t doing anything. So we went to Urgent Care. They basically told us, “You have your anti-dizzy pills there’s nothing more we can do for you. See an Ears Nose Throat Specialist.” So Mike asks for a work excuse for Monday (today) just in case. He calls in today. He schedules an appointment to see his primary doctor. Now Mike is having issues with his anxiety. Which he feels is causing him to be more dizzy. His anxiety is bad because he feels as though he’s not doing enough for us (once again I’m not going to get in to that. It’s not my business to tell.) SO we went to see his primary doctor… He’s an AWESOME doctor. Very ok because I dont know how to spell ‘thoural?” I’ll go he’s very in depth with his exam. He makes sure to listen to you for everything. The only problem with him is the waiting… The waiting has gotten REALLY bad at his office. You wait in the waiting room for 15-45 minutes. Then you wait in the exam room for another 15-30 minutes. Ugh. So we go in… He says keep taking your antibiotic. Keep taking your anti-dizzy pills. I”m not going to refill your anxiety medication. Go see an ENT Specialist. After you seen him, you still feel as though your anxiety is bad then come back in and we’ll talk about the anxiety. *sigh* So he went and talked to the referral specialist and she went to set him up an appointment. Earliest he could get him in to the ENT that the DR wanted was booked out until the 24th of May. Uhh that’s not going to work… so shes like lets see if I can get you in to another one we use. SO they say May 8th. They check again. Oh theres a cancelation for tomorrow at 10am. Fine done. Mike scheduled it. So I’ve been driving Mike around everywhere because he can’t drive. I start racking my brain as to how this appointment is going to work. 1. We would have to have a sitter. If Mike’s Mom were to do it she don’t get off work and home until 9:30am – we have to be at the other side of town, (literally a 45-60 minute drive on back roads because I don’t drive freeway) at 10am. Thats not going to work. She’s either going to have to get out of work early – dammit – or Im going to have to ask my Mom. So, I call my Mom and ask her and she says as long as we drop him off she’ll do it. So, immediately after Nick gets on the bus, we’re dropping off Mikhail at my Mom’s house — WHICH BTW We hate doing. Becuase my mom’s house WREAKS of cigarette smoke. Literally, you gag on the smell after you are already home. It sticks sooo badly to your clothing. She could NOT EVEN SMOKE and your clothes will be covered in it. Its disgusting. Its a mandatory bath and change your clothes after you come home from being at her house. SO anyways, she’s watching him so I can take Mike… HOPEFULLY this ENT has answers. Hopefully he/she can tell us everything we need/want to hear about this business. Hopefully they have an explanation for the dizziness, vertigo, lightheaded, etc.

SO That’s what’s going on with Mike… So on top of everything going on with his dizziness and nose and such. He feels awful about a shit ton of stuff. I think theres something in the air because everyone is in a dark place right now. I can’t describe it really. I just am basically beating myself up over EVERY single thing I do/have done. Its not healthy. I’m going to end it at that… I don’t have much more to say. I had so much more when I was upset last night. But the kids are antsy and Mike’s trying his best to keep the preoccupied until I can finish typing this because I asked for a few moments peace while I did this. So, I’ll write again soon.

My eyes change color depending on my mood. They go from green, to blue, to gray. I have blue eyes majority of the time. That’s whats on my drivers license.

I intertwine my fingers and my toes in edges of blankets, sheets, and pillow cases. You know, over one finger, under the next, over the next, etc. Then I make a fist to pull it tight. This is how I sleep at night. I can’t sleep without doing this. It drives Mike bananas I’m sure. When I’m stressed out you might find an empty pillow case near where I sit just so I can run my fingers through the fabric. It soothes me.

Love bananas. Can’t eat them frozen. They’re disgusting frozen.

I microwave ice cream. It started because I had really bad sensitivity with my teeth and it just never ended. I must now eat my ice cream melted. The ONLY way I can get away with not doing this is if I get ice cream from a restaurant or of course, if its in a cone.

I’m addicted to the color Dodger Blue.

Almost every layout I’ve made has had this color in it. There are very few that didn’t. I love this color. Obviously its my favorite.

I’m a coffee drinker. I’m a coffee lover. BUT I drink coffee with cream and sugar. A LOT of sugar. This is frowned upon in the coffee hipster world. Apparently you can only be a coffee lover if you like your coffee black. BLEH to that. I don’t agree with that. MMM Coffee. I could drink it all day long if my stupid coffee pot didn’t shut off automatically after two hours. Bah!

My current addictions include One Tree Hill, Woot Shirts, Pinterest … I’ll come back to this, I know there’s more to this list.

I love the fact that I’m able to be a stay at home Mom. Unfortunately because of my condition I can’t see working anyways. I also hate being a stay at home Mom because I am home with the kids all day long, every single day. BUT even when I did have a job it didn’t matter that I was getting that break from the kids. I still felt like I was with them 24/7. So that break I got when I went to work meant nothing. If any of that made any sense.

I struggle with my kids. I do. I have a hard time coping when it comes to being a parent. Hell, I never wanted to be a parent. It was dealt to me and now I’m dealing with the cards I was dealt. I love my kids. Wouldn’t wish them away but MAN I’m having a tough time. I beat myself up constantly about it too. “You’re not the perfect Mom. You don’t do this correctly. You’re supposed to be doing that.” Its pretty endless.

I could spend the entire day on the internet without getting so bored I’ll get off. I can pretty much find just about something to do for every minute I’m awake. This is an addiction. I’m working on correcting it. Somewhat.

I can’t wait to call Mike my husband. In the 6 years we’ve been engaged we have never seriously started planning a wedding. At this point I’m beginning to think it will never happen. Something, SOMETHING needs to happen. How can I know he’s invested in me if nothing happens. A conversation about marriage. A day of planning our dream wedding. Acknowledgement when I mention something I’d love to have if we were to ever get married. SOMETHING. Its been 6 years already dammit. What is going on?!

I hate getting dressed up. Jeans and a T-shirt are alright with me but I’d much rather be in sweatpants or even pajama pants. I’m a tomboy. A lazy tomboy.

I’m one lazy SOB. You know how you have those days were you simply do absolutely nothing but the bare minimum just so you can relax and veg out? That is my life. I’d love to change this. Be more active. More involved. But that’s not something that can be changed with advice you read on the internet. It has to come straight from deep inside you. I don’t even know where to begin to change this. I don’t honestly know if I want to change it. No. I do. I think. Either way, I’m lazy as hell.

Like I said, I’m a tomboy. I was raised camping and fishing, watching the races, etc. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember the first time I told Mike I loved the smell of race gas. His eyes glistened over like he had fallen deeply in love with me again. HA-HA.

I refuse to spend a lot for anything. $25 or less for jeans. $10 or less for shirts. $30 or less on shoes. $20 on purses. I mean c’mon, a purse that costs you hundreds and I emphasize on that S of dollars on purses? FOR WHAT? To say you have a brand name purse and you can flaunt your money which makes you look only materialistic? That’s awesome.

I’m a “closet punk/goth”. I would love to wear all black, baggy clothing. Dye my hair black with ridiculous colors. Have tons of piercings. But… its just not me.

I’m openly an attention whore. I love feeling love and affection and need constant reminders of acceptance or I feel as though I’m not good enough.

If I won the lottery, first things that I would get: a house (nothing huge, a modest four bedroom home with a two car garage, refinished basement), permanent teeth (implants or something), two new vehicles for us, college tuition for the kids,  and buy Mike’s family cottage.

I’ve had my drivers license for three years now. Every time I get in to the car I’m grateful I have it. I count my blessings. I went too long without being able to drive.

I’m addicted to Mountain Dew. I’m down to one to two a day. (Bottles, not cans)

My hair and nails grow fast. REALLY fast. But if I were to have fake nails I can’t function with them… real nails could be the same length and I can function with those fine. Odd.

I love winning sweepstakes, but it takes a lot of motivation and dedication to enter the sweepstakes.

My first car is a 92 Buick Centry. I bought it off a friend for $500. It has given us a few problems but nothing Mike couldn’t fix. It’s far from my dream car but it is my car.

I hate, HATE, HATE laundry. I hate it more now that we don’t have our own washer and dryer in unit. If I could do without one chore for the rest of my life it would be laundry.

I’d like to think I will eat just about anything, but then I really think about it. Things I won’t eat include avocado, brussel sprouts, asparagus, anything spicy except tacos, frozen bananas HA, liver, veal… I also can’t eat artificial flavoring. Splenda, Aspartame, etc. My stomach feels as though its eating itself after I eat it. If I eat something with it I can taste it instantly. It stands out to me that its in there. Even after people say “I can’t taste it” I can.

I have had every hair color there is. Brunette, Red, Black, Blonde… well blonde looked more orange because I bleached my hair but I didn’t put toner in it so it turned orange. Not a good look for me.

My eye sight is horrible. My prescription is -5.75 in my right eye. -4.25 in my left eye. My lens are thick as hell. I wear contacts as much as possible.

My bipolar has gotten extremely worse in the past five years. Five years ago you’d never think anything was wrong with me. In the past five years though it has gotten progressively worse.  My rage has gotten to be the worse it has ever been. My mood swings and instability have been awful. It feels like the more I treat it, the worse it gets. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up on treating it and see if I can lead a normal life without all the medications and therapy. I know deep down inside it won’t matter and that I need the meds and therapy to survive this. I just wish I knew why it was getting worse. It seems child birth sets it off and it takes a few years to recover.

I will not be having anymore children. Neither of my children were planned. They were blessings sent to me to teach me a lesson. I could barely handle the two let alone thinking about having another.

I got dentures at 23 years of age.  Full upper, partial lower. I have eight permanent teeth left. All on the bottom. Want to read more about that go here: http://eternalamour.com/finally-getting-my-dentures/

I have the worlds pickiest eaters. I have to make three or four variations of one meal. Mike won’t usually eat the sides only the meat. Nick won’t eat any of it. Mikhail will eat some of it IF he feels like he’s up to it. This has caused me to lose all interest in cooking. I don’t know what to make for dinner anymore. Honestly, I’m CLUELESS on what to make for these guys. Nick’s down to wanting grilled cheese for every meal. Mikhail will eat chicken nuggets and Viola meal every meal. Mike wants something but never knows what it is. UGHH!!!

Favorite foods include but are not limited to: Tacos. I could eat tacos at least 2-3 times a week. Chicken stir fry. My version. Garlic chicken, stir fry veggies, and ramen noodles. MMM Steak, mushrooms, onions, and baked potatoes. I could honestly eat this once a week.Cereal. All kinds. I could eat cereal for three meals a day. If I like Special K more I’d be so skinny.

I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) while I was pregnant with both boys. I had it worse with Mikhail (youngest) than I did with Nick. Its a rare (but getting more popular) disease which causes non-stop nausea and vomiting while pregnant. I lost 50lbs during each pregnancy. I threw up close to 30-40 times a day. Thus the reason I need dentures. The stomach acid wrecked havoc on my teeth and caused erosion. I was on a support board during it. Made some friends. I can’t go back to the support board – too many bad memories. I feel guilty because of this. I used their help during it and I just dropped them. Not cool in my book. Can’t go back to it though. Its been three years, I feel I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

I’m on quite the medication cocktail. I’m on Lithium, Wellbutrin, Risperidal, and Ambien. People say its no wonder why my memory is shot. Or why I’m zoned out sometimes. But apparently this is keeping me sane… and alive.

EDIT: I’m going to include this from my old variation of my website.

♥ I am 21 years old. ♥ I was born on July 30th, 1986. ♥ My hometown is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. ♥ I have lived in Milwaukee my entire life. ♥ I was born with black hair with blonde streaks. ♥ I’ve always had natural highlights. ♥ I have blue eyes that change colors with my moods. ♥ Everyone thought I’d grow to be really tall, I stopped my growth with smoking at 5’4″. ♥ I weight a lot more than people think I do. ♥ I’d rather wear sweat pants and a tshirt than get all “girlified”. ♥ I’m a very low maintence type of girl. ♥ I’m a tomboy. ♥ I love camping. ♥ I miss going to the race track with my dad. ♥ I used to go fishing all the time. ♥ I’m not afraid to get a little mud on me. ♥ I loved going for walks through the woods.♥ I’m addicted to everything sweet. ♥ I could drink soda all day, ever day. ♥ I dont lead a very healthy life style. ♥ I was scared to death of having my son Nick at 16. ♥ I dropped out of high school because of a guy. ♥ I’m engaged. ♥ Mike proposed to me in front of the Cinderella Castle in Walt Disney World at 2am. ♥ I’ve been in Illinos, Tennesse, Kentucky, Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Florida, and Wisconsin. ♥ I’m addicted to Kim Anderson Pictures ♥ I dislike meeting new people. ♥ I’m an insomiac. ♥ I could be online 24/7 and not get bored. ♥ I go crazy without the internet. ♥ Im a cheap drunk. ♥ My baby boys is my life. ♥ I could say the script to well over 30 movies. ♥ I remember more stuff than I would like to, or should. ♥ I was raised by more people than I know about. ♥ My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. ♥ I cannot stand Nick’s father. ♥ I’m addicted to mountain dew. ♥ I dye my hair burgendy and blonde. ♥ I love One Tree Hill, Prison Break, and Gilmore Girls. ♥ I wanted to be an interior designer, teacher, architect, and a web designer when I was younger. ♥ My sister and I have fought alot. ♥ I usually hurt people when I wrestle. ♥ When I have a daughter, her name will be Peyton. ♥ If I have another boy, his name will either be, Branden, Kayden, Jordan, Tyler, or Hunter. (this was written before Mikhail was born… I was dead wrong) ♥ I write out lists for EVERYTHING in my life. ♥ I’m old fashion. I’d rather be a stay at home mom, that cooks, cleans and works all day with the children. While my husband works. ♥ I want a very traditional wedding. ♥ I miss having a kitten. ♥ I have 6 tattoos. Only one in which was done professionally. ♥ I have my tongue, eyebrow, and ears pierced. ♥ I’ve always had a computer. ♥ My typing wpm is over 85. ♥ I really hate doing biographies. ♥ I wrote my “life story” at the age of 17. ♥ People easily annoy me. ♥

Nick’s Doctors Visit – Nick had a doctors appointment on Thursday. It was just a regular check up for the year. Talked with the nurse a little while and expressed my concerns about his weight.  He weighs 56lbs. He’s skinnier than sin. He’s pure skin and bones. The doctor came in and we discussed Nick’s medication for his ADHD. Doctor said he was on a healthy dose of Concerta. And that we shouldn’t raise it anymore than what he’s at right now. Fine. I expressed my concerns for Nickolas’ emotional side. He’s an extremely over-emotional kid. You tell him to do something and he’s crying. Doctor said that was possible side effects from the Concerta and that if it becomes more of a concern we can discuss lowering his dosage. I don’t want to lower his dosage so I guess I will have to deal with the emotional side effects. Then the doctor discussed his weight. He’s in the 40th percentile for his age range for weight. 75th percentile for his height. That means he’s below average for weight, above average for height. Then the doctor told me that he’s only 1lbs under the normal weight. He said if Nick ends up losing 5lbs in the next few months then to come in and we’ll discuss something to do, but otherwise right now he’s not concerned with it. Guess I shouldn’t be either then…

Energy Assistance – As you know, I was REALLY not looking forward to going back down to energy assistance. My Mom came with me this time. I told her we had to get down there early but she didn’t understand. Well, she understood but she didn’t want to get up that early. So she ends up getting at my house at 5:10am. We get going and headed down there. There were already 6 people in line! Shit. We’re gonna be down there for a while I thought to myself. I didn’t realize that people were there to get their taxes done too. So we’re standing there outside waiting… freezing our asses off. It wasn’t all that cold outside, maybe in the 20s-30s. Either way standing outside for 2 hours tends to freeze you more than you realize. So the people come out of the building, hand us our numbers. I am looking at the list of everything you need and notice that Photo ID is on there. I tell my Mom to hold my papers and I go in my wallet to get my ID and social security cards out. I look in my wallet and my ID is no where to be found. FUCK!!! WHERE IS IT?! I start FREAKING out. “I came all the way down here to get turned down because of a stupid photo id!” My Mom’s like settle down Nikkole. But I wasn’t having it. So, I text Mike… I don’t have my ID. I have no idea where it is. I need it! Then I’m searching through my purse some more and not coming up with anything I text him again. “Look in and around the loveseat.” He text me “I got it. I’m headed down there.” RIGHT when they called my number. I couldn’t use my cell phone because they have a strict policy against it. So the lady asks for my photo ID and I act like I’m looking for it and I’m all “Omg. I don’t have it.” She’s like “do you have any form of photo id?” I’m like “I have this?” and I hand her my Sam’s Club membership card. She’s like “That will do.” PHEW!! I thank her a thousand times. Then underneath the table I text Mike that I didn’t need him to come because she used my Sam’s Club membership card. He was already out the door headed down there. So I get everything taken care of. She gives me energy assistance… SUCCESS! I no longer have to worry about this. THANK GOD! So, they paid half of our bill. Which was REALLY high because we haven’t paid it in a few months because things came up. We need to still come up with the other half but at least half of it is covered. So, phew! Its done. Its taken care of. I did it.

SSI Social Security Disability - I received a letter in the mail yesterday from SSI saying something along the lines of “If you want to add any additional information to your case please contact us… something something about a hearing on June 10th, 2012.” Interesting… I’m going to have to get a hold of my attorney to find out what I have to do next. Hopefully they got the letter. I decided I’m going to call them on Monday. That will give them time to get the letter. Hopefully we can add to my case that I lost my job because of my bipolar. Which isn’t a lie… Yes, they laid me off because it was the end of the season, but they also DIDN’T hire me on because I “was never there and didn’t work” because of my bipolar. So, we’ll see what happens next. I only pray every day that this goes through… That would be an extra $200-1200 a month we’d get that would help out SO much. I wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to work. Ugh. Please tell me we’ll get it. My attorney thinks I have a case. That’s worth something, right!?

Alright. I ran out of things to talk about. I know there is a few more things I forgot but I can’t for the life of me remember them now. I’ll edit this post and write more if I can think of what it was.

It all started seven years ago. It was December 2004 and Matt and I were reconciling our relationship. Ya… I know. WTF!? Right? Exactly my thoughts. Anyways, we were in the process of getting back together. He invited me over to sleep over night. The first time we would spend more than an hour or two since we broke up. I agreed, packed up Nickolas, and went over to our old apartment. Matt had a horrible headache and heaven forbid you do ANYTHING while the precious man has a headache. You can’t speak while he has a headache or he’ll bite your head off. Great. Why was I going over here again? So he ends up sleeping the entire time. I got Nickolas down for the night and I found out online – in this community chatroom on AOL that is for our city – that a friend of mine was having a party. Matt was passed out. Nick was asleep. So, I decided to tell my friend Steph, when Steve gets there have him come pick me up. So, after about an hour he showed up and picked me up. I thanked him and away we were to go to the party. We arrived. There were a few people over there, not too many though. We were all hanging out when these two guys walked in. I recognized one as Dave (I knew him, and everyone else at the party from the chatroom) and he walked in with this other guy. The mystery guy was wearing a jacket and a baseball cap so I could barely see his face. I was partying it up. Having a load of fun. The entire time this mystery guy was starring at me. I later found out his name was Mike. I recognized his screen name when I heard it but had never talked to him. So there I was, newly “not single” and I had guys flirting with me left and right. Dave was flirting with me. This Mike guy was starring at me for every little thing I did. Plus Steve, who picked me up, always had a thing for me. Oy vey!

After the party I go back to Matt’s house. He’s awake and pissed. “Where the fuck were you?” is what I got. I explained to him I went out for a bit. He got over it and went back to bed. I stayed up online for a while and started talking to everyone who was at the party in the chatroom. Mike was on. I don’t know how it started but some how he private messaged me and we got to talking. The next day Matt was forced to clean the entire apartment. It was disgusting. He looked like he hadn’t cleaned since I moved out a year ago. So I forced him to clean up. While he was cleaning up I got a message from Mike. We started talking again. For some reason we were drawn to each other.

I went home to my Dad’s that night and started talking to Mike again. Suddenly it was 4am and we were still talking. His dad woke up for the day and told him to get to bed before his Mom woke up and scolded him. We talked the entire night.

This continued for about a week and half. We talked until wee hours of the morning. I don’t remember about what but it must have been in depth conversation. I found out Mike was currently in the middle of trying to get back together with his ex. After a few days of us talking that changed. I started thinking about what I was doing with Matt too. I told Mike I was going to break up with Matt. I ended up breaking up with Matt on Christmas Eve… exactly 1 year after I broke up with him on Christmas Eve the original time too.

Mike mentioned something along the lines of “This is completely unlike me. I never mess with someone whose got a boyfriend. I also have a rule about dating girls with kids. I just don’t do it.” Yet here we were completely unable to withdraw ourselves from each other.

On New Years Eve 2004, I invited Mike over to my friend Jen’s house. He showed up a few hours later because he was arguing with his ex girlfriend who didn’t appreciate him going out with another girl. We hung out for a while, then went over to Steph’s house (where we met) and hung out there. Someone said something along the lines of “oh its new years, you should kiss.” So we shared our first kiss in front of everyone. Mike’s a shy guy so this was out of the normal for him. It seems everything he did regarding me was out of the normal for him. After having a couple of drinks we went back to Jen’s house. We were both pretty wasted. We ended up fooling around together that night. Which was completely out of the normal for me. He spent the night with me. I had to be to work at 7am the next morning.

The next day after work he calls me completely upset. He explained to me his ex came over and was pissed that he never came home the night before and that he ended up sleeping with her. He was like “I don’t even know why I am telling you this. You’re nothing to me.  It shouldn’t matter what I did… but it does. I’m so sorry.” I was just like… “Uhm, its okay. Its cool. Like you said, we’re nothing to each other so it happened its alright.”  I don’t remember being upset about it. I was more upset that he was upset, ya know?

After the next few days we continued to talk even more in depth with each other. We shared stories and history with one another. He never met up with his ex again. I didn’t talk to Matt. We were just slowly drifting closer together.

The night of the 7th of Jan, my friend Tommy and his girlfriend Ali (who Mike’s known forever, she was close friends with Mike’s ex), Mike and I were all in a private chatroom. Ali and Tommy were talking about how they were each others “somethings”. I made a comment about how “I wish I was someones something.”

The next day I had to work during the day. Our friend Dawn was having a party so I had my Dad watch Nickolas. Mike and Tommy came and picked me up from work that night. We got to Dawns house and while we were walking upstairs Mike stopped me. He whispered “Do you want to be my something? Will you go out with me.” I melted. It was priceless. We ended up going upstairs as a finally happy couple.

There’s some pictures from that night. There are TONS more but no one knows where any of them are. There are like 80 photos of Mike and I making out that night. LOL So that’s the story. That’s how we began. We lived happily ever after. Ha. Okay, maybe not happily ever after… we aren’t always happy but we’re content. We both are still madly in love with each other. We balance each other out perfectly. When I’m in rage attack he doesn’t argue back with me. He just lets me go off then waits until I’m completely run down from screaming then holds me and tells me he loves me. We both make each other a better person… a better version of ourselves. I love him.