Yesterday was my quit date. As I had told you all I was quitting smoking and how I’m terrified. Well, yesterday was my day of quitting. Thing is, I had four cigarettes left. I wasn’t going to throw those away. I was gonna smoke them THEN quit. Well, I got on the phone with my Mom. She previously told me she was going to come over with Milli (my niece). So I got her on the phone and I ask her if she’s coming over. She tells me some lame excuse about how she wants to clean her house today and she don’t want to  come over. Boo! I needed her there to keep me preoccupied. I was gonna do all my laundry while she was there watching the kids. Well shit. Now what? She was like “You have a car now…” by the way, I got my car back!!! The brakes are a little ‘squishy’ so Mike says but it feels normal to me so yea its back! “…come over here.” So I text Mike and ask him if he thinks its okay that I go over to my Mom’s. Before you go, “What the hell are you asking permission for. You don’t need his permission to see your mom.” understand he kept making gestures how he didn’t want me driving with Mikhail in the car just yet. (offered to pick up Nick’s prescription even though I’m capable of doing that now) I just didn’t know if he wanted me driving with him or not yet. He knows more about my brakes and whether or not their safe than I do. They feel right to me but he’s gonna know whether or not they’re unsafe and not drivable. So he gave me permission that he was ok with me taking Mikhail. I left the house around 9am and went over to my Mom’s.

My Mom lives only a few blocks away. So it didn’t take me very long to get there. We went inside and was greeted by Milli. I sat down, relaxed a little. Decided to have a cigarette. I smoked half of it and put it out. I always smoke more when I’m over at her house because she’s a smoker and I can smoke in the house. So it’s a lot more convenient. I hung out for a while. We had lunch. I smoked the other half of my cigarette after I ate.  (Have three left now) Relaxed some more. She started talking about how Milli was ready for nap and started hinting that she wouldn’t take her nap if we were there so we should get going. Before we left, I smoke another half. Got up and left. Went home. I was freaking out at this point. I was freaking about the fact that I only had a few cigarettes left and then I was done. I went in to my bedroom and started folding the odd ball clothes that were clean in the basket. After that I went in to the bathroom and was appalled. I started cleaning up the bathroom. I got everything off the countertop and in to their various assigned places. I scrubbed everything down. I had to throw something away so I went and grabbed a garbage bag and I then emptied all the garbage cans around the house. I went back ot the bathroom and finished cleaning up in there. I power cleaned for an hour without even sitting down from walking in the door.

I finally sat down and just relaxed some. I went and messed around with my site. As you could see from my previous entry I got my entire gallery done. Yay! Bad thing about this is that I wish I would have waited until this week before working on my gallery because I’m trying to keep myself preoccupied and my hands busy and web design is the BEST way to do this.

I ended up just relaxing for the rest of the night. I didn’t do anything more. I had 1 cigarette left and I savored it. I smoked my last cigarette at 7pm last night. I officially had quit. I was freaking out for a while after this. I ended up taking a long, hot shower. I wanted to wash away the smell of the cigarettes. “Start over fresh” sorta speak. That calmed me down enough to get ready for bed.

I woke up this morning and realize it was the moment of truth. I was now a non-smoker. I keep telling myself that. “You are a non-smoker. You do not smoke. You don’t have smoke breaks with friends. When friends ask if you want a cigarette, you’re going to tell them no because you are a non-smoker.” I had a cup of coffee and from all my preparation from the previous week I wasn’t bad with craving after I finished my cup. I did a LOT of work cutting back on smoking. I went from ½ a pack a day to a pack every four days. I cut back a lot. I started skipping cigarettes that I didn’t think I could skip. After eating. After coffee. Talking on the phone. I just made it through those little humps without smoking and was fairly successful. I figured if I can skip a cigarette that I usually crave the most I’ll be fine.

The biggest test for me today was going to be taking Nick out for his bus. It was the ONE cigarette I couldn’t cut out during the entire week. I just couldn’t bring myself to not smoke it. It was sometimes my first cigarette of the morning. Its the time I converse with the lady that lives upstairs from us. I always had a cigarette here. For some reason it was the only cigarette I couldn’t NOT have in the morning. The sheer thought of taking away sent me in to a frenzy. Well, I did it. I went outside to get Nick off to his bus. I got a craving because the lady upstairs was smoking, but I didn’t freak out like I have been every other time. I did really good. *pats back*

Today has been rough. Cravings have come and gone. I’ve just tried to keep myself busy. Unfortunately I had a mild touch of depression to go along with this. It wasn’t entirely smooth sailing the the pat few hours. I just hit a slump where I didn’t want to do anything. No chores. Nothing but sit on my couch browsing aimlessly on the laptop. I finally got out of this slump around 3 and decided to get up and do something with my time. I decided to start doing laundry.

Here’s the thing about doing laundry at my house. I hate it. No really. I cannot express just how much I despise doing laundry in this apartment building. You see, at my old, very ghetto, run down, apartment building, which might I add was just awful and its a good thing we’re out of there, I had washer and dryer hook-ups in my apartment. On the same floor. In the hallway! I didn’t know how good I had it until it was gone.We moved out of that place and into this place. I checked out the laundry room here and I remember saying “Oh that’s nice I can bring Mikhail downstairs to do laundry with me because its in a little enclosed room and I can close him off in there while I’m doing my laundry.” HA. I was so wrong. Here’s the problem with doing laundry here. 1. It’s $3 to do ONE load of laundry. THREE EFFIN DOLLARS! I have four people that live in my house. TWO KIDS. We go through a LOT of laundry. That’s not even including washing bedding and rugs. I miss my old washer and dryer. 2. It’s downstairs in the basement. Taking Mikhail with me isn’t so bad. He comes down stairs, usually stays put, and then comes up. Easy peasy right?  Not lately. I start loading the washer and Mikhail will take off, bolt up the stairs, run in to the lobby of the apartment building and sometimes a. go upstairs or b. go in to the apartment. I’m paranoid he’s going to run outside the building and take off all the while I’m downstairs loading the washer. He knows how to open the main lobby doors and go out there so I wouldn’t doubt for one second he would do it. Leaving me p-a-r-a-n-o-i-d.

So I decided my cravings were becoming more intense, I need to do something. So, even though Mike isn’t home yet. I decided to start laundry. I started the process of loading the clothes in the basket. I asked Mikhail to come over and help me. I handed him the detergent pods (they’re these new little pod things that break down in the laundry. MUCH easier to carry downstairs than an entire bottle of soap to measure off) and ask him to put them in the basket. Then we head downstairs. We get down there and I load the washer but I tell Mikhail “I need your help. Stay here.” Washer is loaded. I tell him to put the pods in the washer. Then I put the quarters in and have Mikhail “help” push the quarters in to the load. Then if I have to load the dryer. I hand him clothes from the washer and he puts them in the basket. Then he puts the clothes from the basket in to the dryer. So far, this has been working. SUCCESS! I’m just hoping this seems fun to him for a while. Helping Mom and all.

SO now that I’ve bored you with my past two days I’m hoping my next entry isn’t about smoking all OR just to tell you I’m doing great and I’m not craving cigarettes no more.  Check out the gallery. Link is above in the top menu. Leave comments. I’ll reply to them. Thanks for reading.

So, since I’m broke, and have no idea when I’ll have some money again, and because I refuse to have my boyfriend support my habit, it looks like I’m quitting. I’m absolutely terrified of quitting. I don’t know/think I’ll be able to handle it. I’ve tried quitting many times before. I was successful for six months before. There’s been two times I’ve quit and Mike’s come home and threw a pack a cigarettes towards me and said PLEASE GO SMOKE because I was THAT bad while I had quit. My rage attacks are bad as hell as is. They’re only going to intensify after I quit smoking. I because the biggest bitch in the world when I don’t have my cigarettes. I’m mean, vicious, down right bad. I’m not a nice person. This is why I am terrified to quit. I’m scared of who I’m going to become without my precious cigarettes. As pitiful as that sounds.

So what is my game plan? I went to see my doctor. I discussed quitting with him. We discussed me going back on Chantix. I was on Chantix last year. I started taking it but never quit. I stopped taking it because it made my cigarettes taste terrible. So instead of quitting the yucky cigarettes that tasted terrible, I quit the medication. So, he told me that I should start taking the medication immediately and set a quit date for 2-3 weeks. So I set it for 3 weeks. March 27th, 2012 is my quit date. I have been putting it in my mind, “your quit date is three weeks away. You have to start cutting back.”

I’ve been trying to skip cigarettes. After I finish a cup of coffee, I hold off grabbing my slippers and walking outside immediately. I hold off as long as I can. Usually I can hold off for 30-60 minutes until I would go out for another cigarette. If I’m successful, I have successfully skipped a cigarette. (by cigarette I mean half a cigarette) So I’ve been trying to do this as much as possible with the main times I smoke. Yesterday I was able to do it after I finished a cup of coffee and after I finished eating. So that’s one full cigarette. I was successful cutting out one full cigarette on my first day. I say that’s phenomenal.

Today I’m having a bit more of a rougher time. I’ve been up since 7am and have had two full cigarettes. I’ve gone out four times. Which is good if you think about it because usually by now I would have had 3 cigarettes and would have went out 6 times. So I cut out a cigarette already. But today is a lot harder. The cravings are more intense because I’m telling myself no. Even though I know EVENTUALLY I can have one, having myself wait is making me get anxiety.

What sucks about this WHOLE THING… Neither of my doctors would fill my anti-anxiety medication. My psychiatrist says he gives benzodiazepines sparingly. He also doesn’t feel as though I have anxiety. I use it for my rage attacks. They’re ALSO habit forming so they really don’t like giving them out. My regular doctor didn’t want to give it to me because it might mess with my mood and bipolar. SPEAKING OF WHICH… another HUGE fear I have about this whole quitting smoking thing. I’m going to relapse with my bipolar. I’m scared its going to set me off to a deep dark depression. Just what I don’t need. Mike if you’re reading this… keep an eye on me. If you see me doing less around the house, or just not giving a fuck about anything let me know. That means I have a deep depression and I need to watch out for that because that’s when suicidal thoughts start.

Long story short, doctors won’t give me a benzodiazepines to relieve my anxiety and rage attacks. Which are going to be inevitable with quitting smoking. I think I have like 10 pills left over from when my old psychiatrist gave me a script for Lorazepam. I’m going to have to use them wisely. Only take them when I’m having a MASSIVE attack. Its not like I’m addicted to them either if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve had this script of 30 pills for the past two years. I’ve only used 20 pills in 2 years. Far from being addicted.

So, that’s my master plan. I’m going to cut back and cut out as many cigarettes as I can until my quit date. Then hopefully by my quit date I will have eliminated all the major cigarettes that I smoke. I will have teach myself how to over come a craving. I actually have a reason why I’m quitting this time. I’m not just doing it to do it for Mike. I have no money. Mike will not be supporting my habit. Well, he will until after my quit date… but after that I can’t ask him to support my habit. I’m actually active in trying to find ways around cravings. I’m not just sitting here saying “I really don’t want ot quit.” In reality, I don’t want to quit but I know I have to. That might help. I know usually you can’t quit unless you want it. I’m hoping to teach myself in the next few weeks that I do want it. I want it for my family. For the money. For the breathing better. I want to start exercising and don’t want to collapse because I can’t breath from smoking. I want to smell better. I want to be able to go back to Lynn’s house after a doctors appointment and not have to worry about ‘if she’ll find out I was smoking’. I want to watch a movie all the way through without getting up and going outside to smoke. I want to do it for Mike.

I know I’ll have Mike’s support through this. He’s wanted me to quit since he quit more than three years ago. It was easy for him though. He had cravings because he’s got a lot of will power and strength to get over them. I feel as though I’m weak and helpless through this. I feel as though this is happening to me, like in a bad way. If I had the money, I’d put a pack of cigarettes worth of money in a jar every 2 days. Then buy myself something nice with all the money I saved.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I think this time is different from any other time. I feel as though this time I have a chance. I just PRAY if I am successful with quitting that when I DO get money from child support that I don’t go “ok I can smoke again”. Maybe I’ll figure something out. Buy myself something nice with it instead of going out and spending it on another pack of cigarettes.

Sorry in advance if I become a raging bitch or deeply depressed. Eventually I learn to control my emotions without cigarettes. I just have to figure out how. Hopefully I stick to my resolution of posting a blog every week too. Maybe it will be my outlet. So, if I write about nothing but quitting smoking over hte next few months bare with me. I’m sorry if its boring but I gotta get it out somewhere. Thanks for listening.

My eyes change color depending on my mood. They go from green, to blue, to gray. I have blue eyes majority of the time. That’s whats on my drivers license.

I intertwine my fingers and my toes in edges of blankets, sheets, and pillow cases. You know, over one finger, under the next, over the next, etc. Then I make a fist to pull it tight. This is how I sleep at night. I can’t sleep without doing this. It drives Mike bananas I’m sure. When I’m stressed out you might find an empty pillow case near where I sit just so I can run my fingers through the fabric. It soothes me.

Love bananas. Can’t eat them frozen. They’re disgusting frozen.

I microwave ice cream. It started because I had really bad sensitivity with my teeth and it just never ended. I must now eat my ice cream melted. The ONLY way I can get away with not doing this is if I get ice cream from a restaurant or of course, if its in a cone.

I’m addicted to the color Dodger Blue.

Almost every layout I’ve made has had this color in it. There are very few that didn’t. I love this color. Obviously its my favorite.

I’m a coffee drinker. I’m a coffee lover. BUT I drink coffee with cream and sugar. A LOT of sugar. This is frowned upon in the coffee hipster world. Apparently you can only be a coffee lover if you like your coffee black. BLEH to that. I don’t agree with that. MMM Coffee. I could drink it all day long if my stupid coffee pot didn’t shut off automatically after two hours. Bah!

My current addictions include One Tree Hill, Woot Shirts, Pinterest … I’ll come back to this, I know there’s more to this list.

I love the fact that I’m able to be a stay at home Mom. Unfortunately because of my condition I can’t see working anyways. I also hate being a stay at home Mom because I am home with the kids all day long, every single day. BUT even when I did have a job it didn’t matter that I was getting that break from the kids. I still felt like I was with them 24/7. So that break I got when I went to work meant nothing. If any of that made any sense.

I struggle with my kids. I do. I have a hard time coping when it comes to being a parent. Hell, I never wanted to be a parent. It was dealt to me and now I’m dealing with the cards I was dealt. I love my kids. Wouldn’t wish them away but MAN I’m having a tough time. I beat myself up constantly about it too. “You’re not the perfect Mom. You don’t do this correctly. You’re supposed to be doing that.” Its pretty endless.

I could spend the entire day on the internet without getting so bored I’ll get off. I can pretty much find just about something to do for every minute I’m awake. This is an addiction. I’m working on correcting it. Somewhat.

I can’t wait to call Mike my husband. In the 6 years we’ve been engaged we have never seriously started planning a wedding. At this point I’m beginning to think it will never happen. Something, SOMETHING needs to happen. How can I know he’s invested in me if nothing happens. A conversation about marriage. A day of planning our dream wedding. Acknowledgement when I mention something I’d love to have if we were to ever get married. SOMETHING. Its been 6 years already dammit. What is going on?!

I hate getting dressed up. Jeans and a T-shirt are alright with me but I’d much rather be in sweatpants or even pajama pants. I’m a tomboy. A lazy tomboy.

I’m one lazy SOB. You know how you have those days were you simply do absolutely nothing but the bare minimum just so you can relax and veg out? That is my life. I’d love to change this. Be more active. More involved. But that’s not something that can be changed with advice you read on the internet. It has to come straight from deep inside you. I don’t even know where to begin to change this. I don’t honestly know if I want to change it. No. I do. I think. Either way, I’m lazy as hell.

Like I said, I’m a tomboy. I was raised camping and fishing, watching the races, etc. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember the first time I told Mike I loved the smell of race gas. His eyes glistened over like he had fallen deeply in love with me again. HA-HA.

I refuse to spend a lot for anything. $25 or less for jeans. $10 or less for shirts. $30 or less on shoes. $20 on purses. I mean c’mon, a purse that costs you hundreds and I emphasize on that S of dollars on purses? FOR WHAT? To say you have a brand name purse and you can flaunt your money which makes you look only materialistic? That’s awesome.

I’m a “closet punk/goth”. I would love to wear all black, baggy clothing. Dye my hair black with ridiculous colors. Have tons of piercings. But… its just not me.

I’m openly an attention whore. I love feeling love and affection and need constant reminders of acceptance or I feel as though I’m not good enough.

If I won the lottery, first things that I would get: a house (nothing huge, a modest four bedroom home with a two car garage, refinished basement), permanent teeth (implants or something), two new vehicles for us, college tuition for the kids,  and buy Mike’s family cottage.

I’ve had my drivers license for three years now. Every time I get in to the car I’m grateful I have it. I count my blessings. I went too long without being able to drive.

I’m addicted to Mountain Dew. I’m down to one to two a day. (Bottles, not cans)

My hair and nails grow fast. REALLY fast. But if I were to have fake nails I can’t function with them… real nails could be the same length and I can function with those fine. Odd.

I love winning sweepstakes, but it takes a lot of motivation and dedication to enter the sweepstakes.

My first car is a 92 Buick Centry. I bought it off a friend for $500. It has given us a few problems but nothing Mike couldn’t fix. It’s far from my dream car but it is my car.

I hate, HATE, HATE laundry. I hate it more now that we don’t have our own washer and dryer in unit. If I could do without one chore for the rest of my life it would be laundry.

I’d like to think I will eat just about anything, but then I really think about it. Things I won’t eat include avocado, brussel sprouts, asparagus, anything spicy except tacos, frozen bananas HA, liver, veal… I also can’t eat artificial flavoring. Splenda, Aspartame, etc. My stomach feels as though its eating itself after I eat it. If I eat something with it I can taste it instantly. It stands out to me that its in there. Even after people say “I can’t taste it” I can.

I have had every hair color there is. Brunette, Red, Black, Blonde… well blonde looked more orange because I bleached my hair but I didn’t put toner in it so it turned orange. Not a good look for me.

My eye sight is horrible. My prescription is -5.75 in my right eye. -4.25 in my left eye. My lens are thick as hell. I wear contacts as much as possible.

My bipolar has gotten extremely worse in the past five years. Five years ago you’d never think anything was wrong with me. In the past five years though it has gotten progressively worse.  My rage has gotten to be the worse it has ever been. My mood swings and instability have been awful. It feels like the more I treat it, the worse it gets. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up on treating it and see if I can lead a normal life without all the medications and therapy. I know deep down inside it won’t matter and that I need the meds and therapy to survive this. I just wish I knew why it was getting worse. It seems child birth sets it off and it takes a few years to recover.

I will not be having anymore children. Neither of my children were planned. They were blessings sent to me to teach me a lesson. I could barely handle the two let alone thinking about having another.

I got dentures at 23 years of age.  Full upper, partial lower. I have eight permanent teeth left. All on the bottom. Want to read more about that go here: http://eternalamour.com/finally-getting-my-dentures/

I have the worlds pickiest eaters. I have to make three or four variations of one meal. Mike won’t usually eat the sides only the meat. Nick won’t eat any of it. Mikhail will eat some of it IF he feels like he’s up to it. This has caused me to lose all interest in cooking. I don’t know what to make for dinner anymore. Honestly, I’m CLUELESS on what to make for these guys. Nick’s down to wanting grilled cheese for every meal. Mikhail will eat chicken nuggets and Viola meal every meal. Mike wants something but never knows what it is. UGHH!!!

Favorite foods include but are not limited to: Tacos. I could eat tacos at least 2-3 times a week. Chicken stir fry. My version. Garlic chicken, stir fry veggies, and ramen noodles. MMM Steak, mushrooms, onions, and baked potatoes. I could honestly eat this once a week.Cereal. All kinds. I could eat cereal for three meals a day. If I like Special K more I’d be so skinny.

I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) while I was pregnant with both boys. I had it worse with Mikhail (youngest) than I did with Nick. Its a rare (but getting more popular) disease which causes non-stop nausea and vomiting while pregnant. I lost 50lbs during each pregnancy. I threw up close to 30-40 times a day. Thus the reason I need dentures. The stomach acid wrecked havoc on my teeth and caused erosion. I was on a support board during it. Made some friends. I can’t go back to the support board – too many bad memories. I feel guilty because of this. I used their help during it and I just dropped them. Not cool in my book. Can’t go back to it though. Its been three years, I feel I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

I’m on quite the medication cocktail. I’m on Lithium, Wellbutrin, Risperidal, and Ambien. People say its no wonder why my memory is shot. Or why I’m zoned out sometimes. But apparently this is keeping me sane… and alive.

EDIT: I’m going to include this from my old variation of my website.

♥ I am 21 years old. ♥ I was born on July 30th, 1986. ♥ My hometown is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. ♥ I have lived in Milwaukee my entire life. ♥ I was born with black hair with blonde streaks. ♥ I’ve always had natural highlights. ♥ I have blue eyes that change colors with my moods. ♥ Everyone thought I’d grow to be really tall, I stopped my growth with smoking at 5’4″. ♥ I weight a lot more than people think I do. ♥ I’d rather wear sweat pants and a tshirt than get all “girlified”. ♥ I’m a very low maintence type of girl. ♥ I’m a tomboy. ♥ I love camping. ♥ I miss going to the race track with my dad. ♥ I used to go fishing all the time. ♥ I’m not afraid to get a little mud on me. ♥ I loved going for walks through the woods.♥ I’m addicted to everything sweet. ♥ I could drink soda all day, ever day. ♥ I dont lead a very healthy life style. ♥ I was scared to death of having my son Nick at 16. ♥ I dropped out of high school because of a guy. ♥ I’m engaged. ♥ Mike proposed to me in front of the Cinderella Castle in Walt Disney World at 2am. ♥ I’ve been in Illinos, Tennesse, Kentucky, Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Florida, and Wisconsin. ♥ I’m addicted to Kim Anderson Pictures ♥ I dislike meeting new people. ♥ I’m an insomiac. ♥ I could be online 24/7 and not get bored. ♥ I go crazy without the internet. ♥ Im a cheap drunk. ♥ My baby boys is my life. ♥ I could say the script to well over 30 movies. ♥ I remember more stuff than I would like to, or should. ♥ I was raised by more people than I know about. ♥ My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. ♥ I cannot stand Nick’s father. ♥ I’m addicted to mountain dew. ♥ I dye my hair burgendy and blonde. ♥ I love One Tree Hill, Prison Break, and Gilmore Girls. ♥ I wanted to be an interior designer, teacher, architect, and a web designer when I was younger. ♥ My sister and I have fought alot. ♥ I usually hurt people when I wrestle. ♥ When I have a daughter, her name will be Peyton. ♥ If I have another boy, his name will either be, Branden, Kayden, Jordan, Tyler, or Hunter. (this was written before Mikhail was born… I was dead wrong) ♥ I write out lists for EVERYTHING in my life. ♥ I’m old fashion. I’d rather be a stay at home mom, that cooks, cleans and works all day with the children. While my husband works. ♥ I want a very traditional wedding. ♥ I miss having a kitten. ♥ I have 6 tattoos. Only one in which was done professionally. ♥ I have my tongue, eyebrow, and ears pierced. ♥ I’ve always had a computer. ♥ My typing wpm is over 85. ♥ I really hate doing biographies. ♥ I wrote my “life story” at the age of 17. ♥ People easily annoy me. ♥

So, Tuesday was my busiest day by far. I had two appointments. One with my therapist, the other with my pdoc (psychiatrist).

The therapy appt went well. We talked about how my attorney is planning an appeal (read more about that here), how well Mike and I are doing, my struggles with work, etc. He said I seemed very “off” and not fully there. Which I am. I am very off lately. I can’t describe it. Its like I’m not high on a manic episode, and I’m not riding low in depression. I’m just in the middle but not normal. I’m just here. I told him I wanted to go to work to speak to my old boss. He said I seemed distracted and he’d let me go early so I can get that done.

So, I went to talk to my old boss. A little back story behind this man. He used to be like a second dad to me. He was caring, kind, and understanding of any situation I’ve been in. He used to be my boss when I worked at my job three years ago. He’s not my boss now that I’m back because I’m second shift now. I haven’t seen him since I’ve been back because of my hours. I came in to talk to him. Visit with him. Just see how things are going. Ya know? Show him I still care.

So, we walk in his office and he goes “Ms. Buczek how are you?”

“Things are alright, but I got to be honest, I’m struggling.”

“Please sit down, shut the door.” He pulls out a chair that’s close to him. “Whats going on Nikkole?”

“Things are rough right now. I’m having a hard time doing this job. As you know I have bipolar disorder and its the worse its ever been. I’ve been struggling to cope with it. Things aren’t what they used to be. I can’t file locates the correct way. I can’t get a perfect QA for the life of me. I’m just… just having a real rough time.”

“I had no idea. I’m sorry things are so tough for you. Whats got you hooked? What are you struggling with?”

“Well, to give you an idea of whats happening. When I spell back callers names I’ve always get it wrong. Its like I’m hearing them but its not processing in my head enough to get it written down and spelled back right. Then while, lets say, I’m in the dig location tab and I’m reading off the street names I’ll go in to verbiage. Silly things like that.”

“So you’re not focused. Having a hard time concentrating.”

“Exactly. My mind races with bipolar and I have a hard time focusing on anything I’m doing because things in my head are going so fast.” So, I go on explaining to him what I’m struggling with and how I’m trying to do the best I can and what have you.

He sits forward and looks me in the eyes and goes, “Nikkole, can you do this job?”

“I’d like to think I can do this job.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

I sit back for a while. A good few minutes pass without a word being said and I look at him and say, “No. I can’t. Not to the standards you’re looking for.”

The next 10-15 minutes or so are blurry to me. I don’t know or remember what was said exactly. Here’s the jist of what is being said.

“What are you doing about this Nikkole?”

“I’m VTOing, a lot. Anytime I feel like I’m getting bad or I can’t take a call or I fear I’m going to get irrate with a caller, I VTO.

He tells me, “I take this as your resignation then. You can’t do your job. Then why are you here. I take that as you’re quitting.”

I’m taken back by this. “I had no intentions of quitting sir. That’s not why I came in here. I just wanted someone to know what was going on in case my tickets weren’t as good as they were when I was last here. I just wanted it to be known.” I’m near tears at this point.

“Well, let me talk to Ben and Kera” Ben is the VP of the company. Kera is head of Human Resouces. “and we’ll go from there. We’ll see what they have to say. Do you want to quit? We’re not doing layoffs for quite some time.”

“I’d much rather you fire me, or lay me off than me quit. My boyfriend would kill me to know that I’m here talking to you about this.”

“I understand completely. Let me talk to them and see what they have to say. You understand my stand point for things. You’re basically telling me you can’t do your job…”

“No. I understand completely. You got to look at this from a business side of view. Just keep in contact with me and let me know what happens.”

With that, we shook hands and I was sent on my merry way. Completely unsure what the hell just happened. I mean, did I just quit my job? Mike is going to kill me. What am I going to do?

I head to Lynn’s (Mike’s Mom) house because she was watching Mikhail for me. I tell her what happened and tell her she’s not allowed to tell Mike. I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was just in complete shock that I just did that. Me and my damn big mouth. Son of a bitch. Now I have no job. Who knows if they’ll welcome me back when MIkhails in school and I can work during the week. Ugh! So, I sit like that for about two hours. Just completely beside myself unsure of whats going to happen or what to do.

Two hours later, he calls me. “Hey Nikkole its _______. I talked to Ben and Kera and I wanted to let you know we feel its best you just continue to VTO when things get rough. You have to promise me you’ll try your hardest and do the best you can. It was a pleasure to see you again Nikkole. I hope things get better for you. Don’t be a stranger to me. Do me one last thing, give Matt a chance.” Matt is my boss. I don’t trust him like I trust Dave. Its not the same to talk to him like I talk to Dave. But I’ll give him a chance. I thanked Dave for everything. Told him I would do my best to work out everything.

I literally fell back and  nearly had a heart attack. I couldn’t believe it. I got to keep my job! Can you believe it?! I couldn’t. I had my job. Now I have to bust my ass to not get fired. Eyes are going to be on me a little more now. They’re going to be watching my every move now. Phew…

After all that excitement I went to my pdoc appointment. This was just a normal appointment. He wanted to start off with getting a profile. Moodswings? Check. Irritability? Check. Depression? Check. Crying Spells? Unable to cry.  Focus? Unable to focus? Staying on task? Unable to. Impulsiveness? Spending. Trouble sleeping? Check. Mind racing? Check.

“Ok Nikkole, what’s going on?”

“How do I say this…?”

“Sexual dysfunction?”

“YES!”

“Unable to climax?”

“Yes! Also low sex drive.”

“It is common with the type of anti-depressant you’re on. We will try Nortriptyline. It shouldn’t give you such harsh effects if any in that department.

Thank god. I haven’t had an orgasm in over two months. Do you know how incredibly frustrating it is to have a high sex drive, whose boyfriend has a high sex drive also, and have the ability to reach orgasm, if not two or three or more every time to go to NOTHING. Ugh! Let me tell you its frustrating as hell!

So now, what medications am I on? This is more for my reference than your knowledge.

AM: 2 lithium, 1 risperidal, 1/2 celexa
PM: 3 lithium, 1 nortriptyline, 2 risperidal, 1 ambien
Next week, I will be eliminating celexa, and adding 1 nortriptyline.

That is my current medication cocktail. So far, that’s whats keeping me sane and from killing my kids. Not literally, but you know what I mean.

Finally, the sims 3. As I wrote in my previous entry Mike bought me two Sims 3 stuff packs. Town Life and High End Loft. Well, High End Loft stuff installed no problems. Fine and dandy, great! I put in Town Life and the disk spun and made really loud noises. It was ridiculous. So I take the game back to Target, and they exchange for a new game. I bring it home, it does the same thing. I do this once more, end result is still the same. Disk is blank.

So, I go to play the Sims, and it says I have an update I have to do. Alright. So, I install the update, and I get an error. It won’t install the update. WTF!? Nothing will work. So, I uninstall the sims. I’ll just reinstall it. While I’m installing it I get a redundancy error. Uh oh! That’s not good. So I’m like, great, I’m going to have to reformat the hard drive and go back to factory settings.

I reformat the hard drive. I go to install the game. I get the redundancy error again! WTF! WHY IS IT DOING THIS?! I reformatted the freakin’ hard drive there is no reason why I should get an error. So I start searching online for tips on how to get through this. I find a post on a message board that says defrag your hard drive and it should work. So, I do this. Remind you I’m on my 2nd day of dealing with this shit. I love this game though I can’t not play… I must play. Defrag doesn’t work.

Alright. I’m going to reformat my hard drive ONE last time. I stay up late, I reformat it. First thing I do when I get the computer back up and running is I install the disk. Nothing but errors. SCREW THIS! I contact EA and tell them what happens. They give me a digital copy of the base game. Saweet. So, all I have to do is download the digital copy and I can install it. If this doesn’t work I’m going to give up on all hope to play the Sims. Which would have made me a VERY sad panda.

After nearly 9 hours, the download is complete. The game installs flawlessly. VICTORY! So, I excitedly start installing my expansion packs. First one, no problem. Second one, ERRORS! You’ve GOT to be kidding me. So I read on the post on the message boards if when you get the error, you eject the disk, wait a second, insert the disk, wait a few moments then click ok. You keep doing this until the install is done. According to her, her game never crashed once after doing this. So, I do this method, it works. Phew!

So, we go to Target today, and I exchange my other stuff pack for a final time! This will be my FOURTH disk. I tell them, if this doesn’t work, what do I do? She tells me contact the manufacture. Alright. So I come home. I try it. It doesn’t work! UGH! Nothing but problems the last 3 days trying to install the sims. I just want to play my game!!! So, I contact EA again. I tell them whats going on. Every time I buy one of your disks, its blank. Can I have a digital copy of the game? After a little bit of finesse they give in and give me one. So, its finally done. Everything is installed. I have it all on my computer once again. I just have to try playing it to see if it crashes because of doing what I said I did above with the ejecting the disk and such.  I’ll try playing tomorrow. So here’s to crossing fingers and toes to make sure that it works correctly.

Alright folks, I’m awfully tired after wring this long ass post. Thanks in advance for any comments. I’ll try to write back ASAP.

Case-it Binder Dual-100 Dual binder 2-in1 Zipper Binder

LOTS of nine pocket baseball card page protector inserts

Some 4×6″ Photo Protector inserts – unknown where to buy online – I find at Office Depot

I also have a few pages of regular page protectors

I love my binder. I’ve learned that it keeps me far more organized. I’ll explain in detail exactly what you’re seeing above. Each side has a certain things. I have them broken down in several categories, which I’ll list below. Each category has (2-4) nine pocket inserts and (1-2) 4×6″ pocket inserts. It varies as to what I usually have more of as to how many inserts I have per category. For instance: Deodorant always has tons of different coupons, so I have more pages for that then say, bread. With trial and error, you’ll figure out what coupons you’ll use more than others; which ones are more available; which you seem to collect more.

Left Size: Health and Beauty +Household + Rebates

The left side of the binder holds all of my health, beauty, cleaning, household, paper product categories. The categories that you can find in this section are as followed:

1. Baby
2. Deodoran
3. Body Wash & Lotion
4. Razors & Shaving Cream
5. Hair Products – Styling, Shampoo & Conditioner, Dyes
6. Make-Up & Facial Cleaners
7. Dish Soap
8. Cleaning Supplies
9. Laundry Soap
10. Paper Products – Toilet Paper, Paper Towel, Napkins
11. Storage Bags, Tin Foil, etc
12. Medicine
13. First Aid
14. Oral Hygiene
15. Stationary/Misc

At the absolute last page I have my rebate forms. A lot of time in coupon inserts they include forms in which you can receive more money back from buying the product with the coupons provided.

Right Side: Store Policies & Coupons + Food Products

I believe that no matter what store you’re shopping at you should have specified spot with your coupons with a store policy printed out. It’s important to have, especially when you make that shopping trip and the cashier/manager argue with you regarding the coupon you’re using.

On the right hand side, I have my store information. Each and every store I shop at  has these items in this order:

1. Coupon Policy, Notes, Trial Size List, Corporate Phone Numbers, useful information
2. Place for receipts; Save them in you need to return something, rebates, and for your records
3. In-store Coupons – which can only be used at the specific store

After that, I have my food products. I could categorize these in much further depth than I do but my system works for me. I usually tend to organize it in the order in which my store is set up. For instance, when I walk in the first thing I see is the bread and deli department.

1. Bread
2. Condiments
3. Boxed Meals (macaroni and cheese, rice a roni, etc.)
4. Pasta & Sauce
5. Canned Goods – Sorted into: Vegetables, Fruit, Soups, Meals
6. Cereal, Granola Bars, Oatmeal
7. Coffee
8. Beverages – Soda, Juice
9. Baking Goods – cake mixes, seasonings, etc.
10. Refrigerated Foods/Dairy
11. Meats
12. Frozen Food

It is important that you keep up with your binder! Organization and Dedication are key to having and using a successful coupon binder!!!

My coupons come on Sunday’s in the newspaper, then again on Wednesday in the mail. I usually sort, clip, organize, and file at least twice a week. I try to do this the night of receiving the coupons. That way I know its done and taken care of, plus it gives me a lot more time to browse deals and coupon-match.

If you don’t keep up with your binder two things are going to happen: 1.) You’re going to become extremely overwhelmed with coupon inserts that need to be clipped, sorted, and filed. Once I had over 30 inserts that needed to be put in. I will never allow that to happen again. 2.) You’ll go shopping thinking that you have all your deals set up, until you realize you have no idea where half your coupons are. Worse – they’re expired!

Like I said before, the coupon binder isn’t for everyone. It works well for me. I love it. If you have any questions; please feel free to leave a comment. I will do my absolute best to help you and give you the answers you need.