New Years 2012 Resolutions Proposed Accomplishments

I don’t particularly want to call these resolutions. New Years Resolutions are always things you’d like to do but they’re completely out of the ball park of what you can do. You wind up feeling like a failure because you don’t accomplish them. For that reason, lets not call these resolutions… Let’s call these proposed accomplishments. I plan on doing these! If I don’t do them, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m not going to feel like a failure for not completing these goals. So here they are:

• BLOG MORE!!! One of my resolutions, more like the most important resolution, is to blog more often. I want to blog at least once a week. Although I have no life and my blog posts will consist of me whining about how my kids are driving me crazy and about what chores I did that week, we’ll still try to blog more. I’m hoping out of all my ‘resolutions’ this is the one I stick to the most.
• Lose weight? The question mark is because I don’t plan on losing weight. Meaning, I don’t intend on working on losing weight. I’ve been drinking a lot of water the past few weeks. We’re talking eight or nine 23oz bottles of water a day. I have lost 20lbs. I am not working towards losing weight, its just happening. I’ve been thirsty – that’s why I’m drinking as much water as I have been. So if it happens, it happens. I’m not going to cry or beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.
• Stay stabilized. While I’m not 100% stable, I’m pretty damn close. I don’t have mania, which is the main part. I don’t have depression. Which is normal during the winter months and its winter. I’m just here… I’m still having issues, but I’ll get more in to that later. I just want to stay as stable as I can throughout the year.
• Take my meds as directed. I’m not not taking my meds as directed. I’m definitely not abusing my meds. I just want to continue to take my meds as directed. No skipping days because I don’t feel like being medicated. No  putting off getting my scripts from Walgreen’s because I am being lazy. Just keep up with my scripts, take them as directed, and stay medicated.
• Continue to see my doctors as regularly scheduled. I want to continue seeing my doctors at the normal schedules. No rescheduling appointments because I don’t want to go. No canceling appointments because I don’t feel as though I need to see him (this is particularly for my therapist). Even if I have nothing to say, I need to go to my doctors.

So there you have it… my ‘resolutions’. They’re not over the top. They’re do-able. Notice how “quitting smoking” is not on there. Yea… I’m not setting myself up for that one. I can’t quit smoking until I’m completely stable for a long period of time. I’m not ready for that. So I didn’t add it on there. Like I said, the blogging one is the one I would like to most stick with. Even if I have nothing to say, I can come up with something to post. Whether it be a recipe or an idea, something!

So what else has been going on with lil’ ol’ me?

Not a whole lot to be honest. Like I said above, I’ve been pretty stabilized in my mental health. Which is fabulous! We’ve come down a long, windy road to get to this point. For the most part it feels alright. I’m not super excited about stability because I’m having issues, mainly sleep issues. I’m always tired. I take my ambien around 8pm and by 9-9:30pm I’m ready for bed. So, I go to sleep. I get up 4-5 times a night because I am drinking so much water so I have to use the bathroom. I go right back to sleep after I get up though. I wake up in the morning feeling very tired. I get up with Mike, lock the door after he leaves, then lay back down on the couch until the boys get up. I usually lay there for about 30 minutes. Then I finally drag myself to get up. It usually takes me 2-3 hours to get fully awake after my morning coffee. Then, its nap time for Mikhail. Which means, its nap time for me too. I lay down and I’m like “yes, I can finally sleep!” then what do I do? I just lay there! For two hours I lay there in hopes that I will fall asleep but by this time I’m already wide awake. HMPH! Continuing on, around 4-5pm I’m exhausted again. I want to just go to sleep. I have to get dinner ready though. Then around 7-8pm I’m wide awake again. At this point, I take my ambien and I start the whole process over again.

So, why does me being tired make me dislike the stability? I miss mania, to an extent. When I’m manic I can sleep 1-5 hours a night and be energetic and alert the next day no problem. I get little sleep and I’m fully functional. It almost is like I’m getting too much sleep currently. That or my body is completely not used to getting this much sleep. Which is odd because I’ve been on ambien and on a ‘normal’ sleep schedule for about 8-9 months now. The only downfall to the manic episodes is the irritability and irrational thoughts. Not to mention the racing mind, the inability to sit still, and the rage episodes. Okay, so mania isn’t so great but man I miss sleeping a few hours and being energized!

Not a whole lot else has been going on. I’ve just been being a normal housewife and stay at home mom.

OH! My old job is hiring again. I hope Mike doesn’t expect me to apply. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it but I really hope he doesn’t. They’re never going to hire me back! Not after all the shit I went through with them over the last year. I wouldn’t hire me back! I’m not stable enough to go back to work. I don’t honestly believe I could handle it again. I would end up VTOing every chance I got. I think I like it better being at home. The extra money is nice to have but *smh* its just not do-able right now. So hopefully Mike doesn’t expect me to re-apply. Then I won’t feel like a failure when they don’t call me back. To be honest, if Mike expected me to apply I would probably just tell him I applied so I didn’t get  a call back. No sense in going back to work. I get it… we can barely afford me not working as it is. But I’m still waiting on disability! Although it could be three years before I hear from disability I still have to remain hopeful that maybe one day I will get it.

Alright. I suppose that is all for now. Expect me to write again more in a week or so. Hopefully I have something to say! Me? Have nothing to say? HAHA! That’s funny. We’ll see though. I’m going ot try to stick to this goal!

So, what else is happening with me? I got a med change/increase in the past few weeks. I’m now on an antidepressant. Which is slowly getting increased until I stop feeling so down in the ditch. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. No motivation, you know, all the normal depression crap that one has to deal with while being depressed. Slowly the meds are being increased and slowly I’m starting to feel better. I just hope this increase does the job. I’m blogging so that counts for something, right?

I talked to my Dad. *gasp* Shocking, I know. He called me after I had called him many times to try to chat. He finally called me back. We basically just caught up. Nothing was said about what happened. No apologies were made. We just went right back to the father/daughter conversations we used to have. He was tired from work so we didn’t chat long. He invited me to Christmas at his house for our family too. Which, really made me feel good. I was going to be really upset spending Christmas without my family. Mike and I talked it over and we’ve decided we’re going to go. So, that makes me feel a little better. I’ll probably hear it from my family about my actions of this year but I’m mentally preparing myself for whatever they dish out at me.

I’m getting my GED finally. I’ve decided its time. I want to go to school. I have a couple of friends in school and I find myself jealous of them. I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life, ya know? Anyways, a little back story behind this bull shit… I dropped out of high school at 15 due to Matt. He wanted me out of school because he felt my friends were corrupting my mind. I dropped out for him. After we broke up, I went back to school. Decided to do my high school diploma all over again. I went to Penn Foster Career School for four years. I got all 37 credits again. I passed with a 3.8GPA. I busted my ass. I decided last year that I was going back to school – I come to find out my “diploma” is no good. Its useless. They won’t accept it, in fact, no one will accept it. I spent $700 and four years on nothing. So I was told to get my GED. The whole reason why I went back to high school to get my diploma was so I didn’t have to get my GED and so I could have a good transcript to show off my capabilities. *sigh* So much for that thought. Anyways, there’s this book – McGraw-Hill’s GED – that I am going to get. It’s only $14, and 1100 pages. It’s a textbook sized book. It teaches you step-by-step through Language Arts, Writing, Math, Social Studies, and Science. It gives you pre and post tests so you can test your knowledge and what you’ve learned. I have to wait until I get child support to buy it because I literally have $14 and some change in my bank account.  I know I’ll be getting child support soon so that’s not an issue. Its my antsyness that is going to be a problem. I’m eager to do this now, not later. I have to really grab but the horns when I want to do something and run with it otherwise it will never happen.

So, anyways, that’s whats going on with me. I don’t have much more going on. I’ll try to keep up to date with this blogging and do it at least once a week so I can get everyone up to speed with whats happening and so I can keep track of what’s going on too. Talk to you all later.

• Set up a weekly schedule for chores and stick to it.
• Continue “me” time by going to play Bingo with my Mom or going to spend time at the stores
• Stay stable
• Take meds as directed, don’t forget
• Lose 5lbs a month (anything more will be a bonus) – continue Wii Active 30 day challenge
• Continue to prepare for school mornings every night. Pack lunches, set out clothes, etc.
• Continue to go to all appointments
• Wean self from soda – or at least cut back
• Believe you’re doing OK as a Mom, or even think you’re doing good.
• Get over self doubt! Build up confidence.
• STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF!
• Web Design! It relieves stress, it calms you, and you get a sense of accomplishment.
• Make a schedule for your interests & hobbies. This way you’re never overwhelmed, distracted, or disappointed but be flexible.
• Either forgive your family for what they’ve put you through and accept who they are or move on and get over it

Goals with the Kids

• Spend time with both kids – separately or together
• Let the kids figure it out for themselves
• Show positive attitude
• Praise good behavior
• Let fights run their course, only step in if they are going to kill each other.
• Have a weekly movie night to spend time with everyone
• GET UP IN THE MORNING! Get Nick off to school, no laying back down.
• Alternate bath nights between the kids.
• No dinner? Peanut butter sandwich. No exceptions. Stick to the rule.
• Show Patience
• Homework should be done immediately. Do not accept excuses

Goals with Mike

• Express emotions and feelings with each other
• A date night? Not possible with no sitter, so scratch that… I’d like to spend more time together though.
• Believe this. He loves you. You matter to him. Don’t doubt his love. Cherish his affection.

Outside Goals

• (repeat) Go to bingo or to the store to be more social

Moving along… I got an attorney. They only get paid if I win. It’s only 25% of my back pay if we win. So, that’s good… I have someone meeting with me for an in-home consultation next Thursday, August 26th. I’m incredibly nervous because I don’t know how attorneys work. I don’t know if they’re doing it to just scam you or if these people are legit. I mean… I’m 99% sure that the company I’m going through is legit. They have commercials on every hour! Mike’s going to be with me while I meet with this guy because I have HORRIBLE time listening to all the information being given to me. I figure with him being there A.) It will get him involved with my disability. B.) He’ll be able to keep better track of everything that is said. C.) He’ll be able to make a better judgment if this is what I should do or not. I’m happy to have him here with me through this process.

Next was my therapy appointment. This went exceptionally well also. We started off the session with him informing me that disability contacted him as I was handing him my “last ten years with bipolar” evaluation.

“Oh my. I wish I had this three weeks ago when disability requested it.”

“Yea, we didn’t see each other.”

“Well, did you see Dr. Phansalker?” he asked.

“Yes. I did. We set up a brand new medication mixture. Lithium and Seroquel.”

“WOW! Lithium?! I haven’t seen anyone on lithium in over ten years. Did he say why he wanted you on that?”

I explained to him how he felt as though lithium was the safest bet for me. “He didn’t want me on just a random medication. He wanted something that would work, and work fast. He didn’t want me playing around with maybe this medication will work, or maybe that one. He knew lithium worked for so many years, so why not try it.”

“Why not Lamitcal?”

“Well, after he diagnosed me with Bipolar I Disorder, he felt it was better that I just be on lithium. Lamitcal is better for patients with Bipolar II Disorder.”

“Oh. So he diagnosed you?”

After explaining to him the remainder of the appointment, including the resignation, he was shocked. “I’m impressed. He must really trust you. I’m the owner, well I and my partner are the owners of this practice and his practice and when he told us that he was leaving us only knew that it was health related. I didn’t even know how old he was. He truly must trust you. With that being said, I’m going to ask him if he can continue to see you at the Wheaton Franciscan office. He’s not fully retiring; he’s just downsizing a lot of his patients but leaving a few clinics. When you see him again, ask him about seeing him at his new office. He obviously is working great for you. You obviously are a good patient to him for him to confide in you. Maybe we can get him to continue to see you at least to fully get you stable.”

I was shocked and relieved. I didn’t know he wasn’t fully retiring. If this works out, where I can just go see him in his other office, it would be a life saver. Literally.

Our therapy appointment continued on. He sat there reading my evaluation throughout the entire appointment. “What do you mean, racing thoughts?” he would ask. I would do my best to describe it. “What do you mean you’re paranoid?”

“Well, a perfect example of this … I thought you were under the impression I was only using you for disability. That’s not the case. In fact, the last three weeks, I spent going over it in my mind thinking you believe I am only here to use you. It really churned my stomach and it made me not even want to come to this appointment.”

“I’m going to be honest. I thought you had only seen Dr. Major (my last therapist whose across the all from this doctor) a few times before coming to see me. After I went through your chart, I realized you spent a great deal of time with Gary. If I thought you were lying just to get disability, I’d tell you. I know you’re a very intelligent and honest person. You can see it in your eyes. I believe your intelligence makes you capable of having a job. Now that I have this evaluation from you, I can see how difficult it would be for you to keep a job. Your instability for your moods would make it it nearly impossible to work. Sure, you could get a job no problem, but there’s no way you’d be able to function completely and keep it without blowing up at someone. I’m going to do my best to help you with the disability. I’m going to read through this evaluation and really study it. I’m going write up my thoughts as to why I feel as though you can’t work because of these problems you have with your unstable moods. I think you getting an attorney is a great idea. It’s very difficult to get disability but with all these factors you’re heading in the right direction.”

This really put my mind at ease about disability. I mean, I’m still scared to death of applying. I guess I just can’t take the rejection of knowing I’ve been busting my ass to get better, and even though I have the right doctors now – its still going to be a process. I think I deserve it, but I also think it’s going to be incredibly difficult to explain how I can be smart, and perfectly capable of getting a job but not being able to keep the job and/or function completely. I mean, how do you explain that you’re smart as hell but too fucked up to do it? Ya know?

Well, the rest of our appointment went well. He reassured me that he knows I”m not just using him for disability and he’s willing to help me with everything. My anger issues. My past. My disability. EVERYTHING. Which makes me feel great. I don’t go back to see him for another two weeks. He didn’t want to see me until after I seen my pdoc again.

… we’ll see what happens. With disability. With the therapist. With the pdoc situation.

I feel like I have 30000000000000 things going on at once. It’s driving me a little insane … well, more insane than I already am. We’ll see what happens.

It’s in a decent area. We weren’t looking to move so far east, but regardless our commute to Mike’s work and his parents (which is where the kids go a lot when we need sitters for whatever) is way shorter than what it is now. We looked at the first apartment which was a lower. It was at $590, which was a little more than we wanted to pay. We were looking to pay either the same as what we paid now ($575) or less. We still wanted to take a look though. We walked in and noticed that the layout of the apartment was very similar to ours but extremely bigger.  (We believe our apartment is about 600-700sqft) so another 200sqft makes a HUGE difference. The kitchen is smaller than our current apartment, which sucks but I was willing to sacrifice it (for now). There is a nice big coat closet and a nice linen closet. There were two bedrooms that were HUGE. The bathroom was very spacious with an extra large vanity which I loved. The tiling and bathroom was outdated – but it’s an apartment, I cannot complain. There are two parking spaces for our cars which is definitely a plus. And since we’re on the road, our guests wouldn’t have to worry about guest parking but could park on the street if necessary… I’m not even going to describe the other one; we didn’t get it anyways.

We wanted to fill out an application right away. Mike was extremely nervous about the price but we figured if we have to get rid of some of the extras we have right now, so be it. We had to pay the security deposit before even applying which is something I’ve never had to do before but luckily we had the money to do it. We ran to the bank, signed our lives away, and was told “We’ll let you know if the credit check comes through.” It did. She calls us two hours later to know that we were approved and we can move in as soon as March 15th if we wanted to. We’re planning to move around the last weekend of March though. — I’m so excited. I’m happy to get out of the shit hole apartment in which I’m in now. I am sacrificing a few things with this place, but its worth it.

Moving on. I see a new “pdoc” or psychiatrist today. I went in there with  a straight forward mind with what I wanted and needed. I walked in and he asked “how are you doing?” like they always do. I told him “I’m fine. Great even.” He asked what’s going on and I said everything I could straight to the point. “I’m bipolar. I would like a mood stabilizer. I’m currently manic, that could be due to the fact that I was given Wellbutrin to quit smoking. I have not quit smoking. I don’t know when I plan to. Obviously I’m aware that the medicine will do nothing until I’m ready to quit. I just don’t know when that is. I’ve gotten an evaluation with the doctor at building #3 and I have seen Donna Roy already. She gave me geodon – I had massive side effects. I couldn’t physically lift myself out of bed.  I was then given Abilify and I got so sick I wound up in the hospital for dehydration and non-stop throwing up. I stopped all medication and decided to not see Donna Roy anymore and came to you.”

He nodded his head and proceeded to do the normal, “Well, what exactly do you mean you’re manic. What are your symptoms that you’re having that make you believe you’re manic.” Heh. This pissed me off. I wasn’t having it. This might be the last doctor available, but he obviously knows what he’s doing, and I obviously am in one of those I just don’t give a flying fuck about a single thing anymore type of moods.

I looked at him and said, “I’m manic. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was around 13 years old. I know manic means. I’ve been having racing thoughts. I stay up for hours. I feel invincible and that causes me to get in a lot of trouble. I basically could give a flying crap about anything at this moment. Obviously, when I’m depressed I’m the exact opposite.”

He starts to ask if I was ever given Lamictal, or Depakote? I told him no.I gave him the run down to all the medications I have had. Geodon, Abilify, Zoloft, Prozac, Citalopram. That’s it. No mood stabilizers. None. EVER.

He told me he was going to prescribe me Depakote. I am going to have to read up on this but so far everyone has told me this is a miracle drug. I’m going to fill the prescription tomorrow. I was prescribed to take (2) 500mg pills at night. He told me to come back in 4 weeks, and he also gave me the phone number to their therapists and psychologists so I can get back in to that. I told him I’d think it over, mainly because my last psychologist fell asleep on me. He was shocked. He was ALSO shocked no one had given me a mood stabilizer before. I made sure he was well aware that the nurse practitioner that I had seen before right in the next room didn’t even prescribe it for me.  He was really nice. (An hour late, but nice regardless) His appointments are extremely hard to get, and he’s ALWAYS running late. I sat there for an hour. Which was normal, if not fast for him.

So anyways, that was my day. Holy shit right? I’m excited. I’m going to fill my medication tomorrow and start it tomorrow. We’ll see how it works. I’m completely overwhelmed at this point about moving. The packing, the moving, everything. You figure, this apartment is the first place I’ve stayed at longer than 6 months in the past 15 years. Also, when I moved back then, I was told “Get the fuck out.” Which means EVERYTHING I owned would get thrown in to boxes, moved, and unpacked all in one day. I have to wait a month and a few weeks before we move. Which means, I have PLENTY of time to pack and stuff. I almost wish I didn’t have the kids over the next few weeks so I could really go through everything. Get rid of all the junk and crap. Donate whatever needs to be donated. Take whatever is being sold to his Mom’s house, etc. I’m not sure what we’re going to do with all our junk, but I guess I have a while to think that over. I’m freaking out… but in a sense, its in a good way.

Some of you might not know why I have been occasionally writing my accomplishments down here… 1. Its because its a lot easier than writing an entire post on WP for my website. 2. My therapist wants me to write my accomplishments out every day, big or small, so I can get a sense of “I did it” even though I feel like I sit around doing nothing at all.

I’m one of those types of people that will sit there and say, “Oh man, I didn’t do the dishes today. I could have went to the store, but noo I sat here playing games online all day.” I’m trying to change my mindset around from thinking of the “what I didn’t dos” to the “what I did dos”. Got it? Good.

• Got out of bed, even after very very little sleep. I went to bed at 11:30pm, and laid there until 2:30am – Mikhail woke up at 3:30, 4:30, then finally stayed awake at 5:00am. Yuck. Here I sit here, wide awake. What is wrong with this picture?
• Took my medication. Taking a full 40MG at once now. My body has adjusted to it and is not making me extremely loopy.
• I wrote out my documentation to take to court for Matt. I had to go through my blog – Back dating to August 2006 – and write down any instance that I had posted on there (because I have a horrible memory) of all the crap Matt did. I have been putting it off for weeks because I didn’t want those awful memories to be resurfaced – I also have a thing about not rereading my blogs. I don’t like to look back… I don’t know why. – I finally sat down and spent over 6 hours doing it today. This was a HUGE accomplishment on my behalf.
• I ate breakfast, and lunch… had to force myself to eat dinner (my meds are having an effect on me I think, I didn’t have an appetite by dinner) The reason this is an accomplishment is because I’m trying to eat healthier – which means three meals, two snacks, a day. I NEVER ate breakfast, so doing so, is great. I’m currently working on doing lunch and dinner healthy now too.
• Apologized to Nickolas for being extremely short with everyone. I’m running on 5 hours of sleep. I’m not tired. I’m very short and irritated – But I can’t even force myself to fall asleep. Last night I tossed and turned in bed for hours. I’d much rather stay awake and keep my mind busy, than lay in bed and think of 300 million thoughts I don’t need to be having.
• Picked up my WIC checks for my son. It’s such a hassle ot go to the store and do 5 transactions, but I did it.

Alright, my mind is blank… guess that’s all for today.

• I woke up, got the boys to school, AND stayed calm during MAJOR meltdowns, arguments, and tantrums that were thrown this morning. Nickolas was a bear before school, but I did it, calmly.
• WORKED OUT! I did my day one on my 30 day challenge on my new Wii Active. I worked out for 17 minutes and burned over 150 calories! According to some websites, I burn more calories doing laundry, but boy it was a workout! I was sweating my ass off [literally]. I have NEVER ran so hard/fast in my life. In fact, I HATE running, thus the reason I used to fail gym every year – I couldn’t run.
• After showering – I ate a really healthy meal. 4 small slices of grilled chicken on a whole wheat tortilla and a slice of pepper jack cheese made in to a quesadilla served with a banana and water. Mm Mmm MMM

Alright well, that’s the BIG things I accomplished… I also attempted to nap. BUT for those who don’t know …

Today I was sitting around my living room attempting to feed Mikhail his lunch when there was a loud bang on my door. “MOVE YOUR CAR NOW! WE HAVE A WATER-MAIN BREAK!” Awesome. I run outside, start to move my car down our driveway (its hard to explain but basically its two apt complexes that face each other – theres a driveway down the middle of them and a parking lot in the back…) I began to drive down the driveway when my apt manager screamed to get over! So I pulled over and drove as carefully as I could… Shortly after I got through and parked on the road, I see my neighbors truck sink into the road in a HUGE sink hole – it could have been me! His hood of his TRUCK was parallel with the pavement. His front right tire corner of the truck was completely in the ground and the other end of the truck was straight in the air! If I would’ve been, I don’t know, MAYBE 1-2ft more to the right – it would have been me. My car, nor I would have made it. When we came home after they fixed the pipe, the whole ended up being 6ft deep… thank god he didn’t get hurt! They got the truck out but JEEZ!!! Needless to say I was REALLY lucky that I didn’t end up in the sink hole. The car, nor I would have made it.

[Apparently this is the only thing I had copy/pasted... I had a MUCH longer entry written but when I published it - it deleted. WHAT THE HELL, RIGHT?!]

Anyways… I basically write further; Mike came home. We went to his parents house because we were under the impression that the water would be turned off until tonight, tomorrow, or even until Friday. We had no idea, the apartment manager had NO idea. So, we left.

I drank a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks & had greasy Papa Murphy’s pizza. Which totally ruined my healthy dieting that I had started this morning – BUT I had a bad day, and that’s my excuse. I’m going to try hard again tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my first official medication appointment! I go for the first time to see the actual psychiatrist. I’ve never been on anything BUT prozac – which did NO GOOD THINGS for me. I’ve especially NEVER been on medications AND had therapy at the same time. I think this is REALLY going to do good for me, and my process to get “all better” if there is such a thing…

Like I said, I wrote a LOT more earlier, and it was deleted when I published the post. So now I don’t know what I wrote … I’ll write tomorrow on here, or Tumblr to let you all know how the meds appointment went.

The whole reason why I’m supposed to be writing these accomplishments out is simple – building self worth, confidence, and less guilt. I am a negative person, I’ve always been a negative person. The only way I’m going to get better about how I feel about myself, others, situations events, etc. is if I start giving myself and my life a sense of accomplishment. Basically, I need to start turning around what I think about, and how I think about things. Instead of thinking “Oh man I didn’t do this and that, I didn’t do what I wanted to get done, I’m such a failure.” I can think about what I DID do, feel a sense of “I did it” and let go of all the stuff “I didn’t do.”

So, with that being said this is what I did do today (and including some of yesterday also)…

So, that’s what I did today. There’s probably more but I’m majorly distracted tonight. I really need to log in and work again tonight. I’ve worked 1.15 hours since September 1st. (Minimum is 8 hours a month – which is REALLY fucking with me. I always feel like I only need to do bare minimum and I lack that push to make me do more.) So with that being said – I’m going to leave this at that for now. I’ll write again soon. Thank you all for continuing with me through this journey.

I know I’m HORRIBLE with returning comments, and I REALLY appreciate all of those who continue to stay with me through this and continue to come read my blog and give me such wonderful comments in return to let me know that I’m doing something alright. The reassurance that I get from you all helps me out so much. You have no idea. Thank you all again. You’re so much apart of my “healing process” more than you realize.

While I didn’t feel like I accomplished much “worth while” I’ve decided that I’d write something anyways…

• Got the boys off to school. Even with some melt downs between the two.
• Talked to my Mom and only got mildly annoyed. I stuck through it and listened anyways.
• I didn’t eat brownies all day. (I bake brownies, and I feel the need to munch on them ALL DAY LONG. Until suddenly I realize I ate an entire row. >.<)
• Did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen.
• Picked up all my WIC checks. Including all the formula, baby food, baby oatmeal. (Which is a major pain in the ass. You have to do five transactions with five different checks. Ack! People get annoyed.)
• Took a nap. I needed it.
• Took some me time after putting the kids to bed and took a nice long shower.

I can’t seem to think anymore for today.

* I called the WI tobacco quit line and got set up. I have a quit smoking date of October 1st, 2009. They’re sending me a 2 week supply of the nicotine gum and have on going over the phone support for when I’ll need it. They want me to start off with this first step – when I urge a cigarette when I REALLY need it. Stress, after eating, etc. Wait 10 minutes, THEN have one. Tell yourself “you can have a cigarette, but you must wait 10 minutes and try to do something during that time which is causing your want to have a cigarette in the first place.” That’s my first step.
* I got both kids, Nickolas and the neighbor, to school safely and on time.
* I got lots of dishes done!
* I cooked dinner – Home made lasagna and “ultimate fudge” brownies. AND I did the dishes after everything was done!
* I made it through a day with an extremely crabby baby. He’s teething. Poor guy.
* I let Nickolas go to his grandmas house. I pushed aside my anxiety about it and decided that although is father is an idiot, his grandma hasn’t done anything (that I know of) wrong so he should be able to go see her and play with his aunts and uncles that he loves so much.

* Finally starting to think I’m accepting the fact that Matt will NEVER change. After much discussion with his Mom, I found out everything I already feared/known. Hearing it from a third party is basically the seal on the deal.

1. He’s been driving without a license for over a year with Nickolas in the car.
2. He owes nearly $2000 in child support – arrears, which if he is pulled over, a cop can arrest him for being so far behind.
3. When Nickolas was over at his house, he would stay up until 5am, leaving Nickolas to either fend for himself during the day OR his mother would have to take care of him until she had to go to work. He was to sit and play QUIETLY on the floor while he slept for hours and hours.
4. He has NEVER cooked the kid a meal. Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Arby’s, etc has been his choice of a “healthy meal” for our child.
5. He BUYS HIS LOVE. Anytime he disappears or disappoints Nickolas, he goes out and spends hundreds of dollars on toys for the kid.

* I’ve decided that Nickolas will NOT be seeing him again soon, or for a long time. I tried to sit down with Nickolas and tell him what’s going on. I explained to him that “Daddy’s busy lately with Lisa and I know that makes you sad. Daddy’s been making you sad a lot lately and I don’t like to see you sad baby. I just want to make sure you know that Mommy and Michael love you very much and we’ll always be here for you. I want to make sure you’re safe Nick, and that you’re protected. Daddy drives with you in his car and he’s not supposed to. If the police officer would to stop him, he will take Daddy to jail and you will have to be picked up by Mommy. We don’t want that. I know that you don’t understand because you’re so young. I know you miss your daddy, and that you love him with all your heart. I know that this all makes you sad, but I want to make sure you’re safe baby. I want to make sure that you’re taken care of. Please know, that I’ll never ever EVER leave you.” … what he said broke my heart. “Daddy forgets me. Will you forget me too.”

… Explaining to a five year old little boy – that his Dad, who he loves and adores because he buys him everything under the sun and whatever, he’s his dad, isn’t the best person for him to be around.

My biggest accomplishment of the day – I’m being strong, I’m TRYING to be strong for Nickolas and myself to get us through this. I HAVE to be strong and stand my ground and not allow MYSELF to give in to Matt’s bull shit ANYMORE. I cannot BELIEVE his lies. I cannot GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS. I gotta do this. I CAN do this.