Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you all know I added some ‘stats’ on to the sidebar to the right (near the bottom) for the site. I got the inspiration to do so from Christina at Dreamy Obsession. I’ve been inspired a lot by her site. I want to know how she did her FAQ section. Its awesome. I’ll have to ask her in her FAQ section heh. Thanks Christina for being so inspirational. Your site is amazing.

In other news, I’ve been pixeling… been working on a few things. Did a beach scene yesterday. It included palm trees, umbrellas, sand castles, beach balls. Nice, right?

OK. That’s all for now… Until next time.

The last time I wrote, things were pretty … dark? … for lack of better word. I wasn’t doing good. Mike wasn’t doing good. It was a mess.

Last time I wrote, Mike had just started his symptoms. Well, somewhat just started his symptoms. He was problematic and off work for a week and half. Since I last wrote, he seen an ENT. The ENT told him to keep doing what he’s been doing. Added that he should be doing a saline rinse (gross) a few times a day, taking a decongestant, and taking his medications that have been prescribed to him. She ordered a hearing test and a CT scan of his sinuses so she could get to the bottom of what’s wrong.

That was cool… we were finally in the right direction to getting some answers. That Thursday, maybe Friday, we had to go to the ER. Mike was still dizzy but now he was worried about being hydrated because he wasn’t able to drink (or eat for that matter) very much. So we went in for some fluids. We had to take Mikhail with us because no one was available to babysit. We sat at the ER for 3 hours. Mikhail was considerably well behaved. He looked at me at one point and goes, “Mom can we go home?” Which just FLOORED me because I had no idea he was able to fully comprehend a sentence, let alone knew what “home” was. So, after some blood work, a bag of fluids, and some waiting around, the ER doctor came and told us all the blood work (and mono test) came back negative or normal. So he wasn’t dehydrated. He told us earlier when they put the IV in they had put this “A” medication in. IDK what they said exactly it just started with an A. We didn’t know what the hell that was. So they hand him a prescription for the A medication (atvian or something) and say keep taking the lorazepam. Huh? What are they talking about lorazepam for? Well we leave and head to the pharmacy. Mike looks up with the atvian or w/e medication is; its lorazepam. Why did they give him an anxiety medication? What was in Dr. Hill’s notes from Mike’s last visit where he had asked for anxiety meds? I told Mike that’s the medication they gave me when I was having anxiety issues. He was confused at first thinking it was the meds they had put him on last time. So went and filled the script. Mike still felt dizzy.

The next day he took all his medications, including lorazepam. He felt amazing that day. Like almost back to normal!!! So was it the lorazepam that caused this sudden … whats the words … healing, perhaps? We had no idea. We still have no idea. He’s been doing a HELL of a lot better ever since. He even went back to work on Monday. I had mixed feelings about this… in a sense I was happy he went back because I was gonna be able to function (clean) again without worrying about him being there. In another sense, I got used to him being home with me and I started to enjoy it – but that was purely for selfish reasons. I know he had to return to work eventually. I’m happy he is feeling better to be able to return to work. It’s gonna help his anxiety that he had about the whole situation diminish now that he’s back at work.

So yesterday, we had two appt so he was off work another day. We had a follow-up with our regular physician because of the ER visit and we had a hearing test in the afternoon.  The follow-up went smoothly. I was expecting Mike to go in there saying “Lorazepam worked for me. I’m not as dizzy anymore. Will you give me a regular supply.” but he didn’t. He told them he was taking it and that was it. *shrugs* He said he’s waiting, which is understandable. I was racking my brain the night before the appt as to how he was gonna go through with telling him it worked and that he’ll somehow need a regular supply of that med to keep making sure it was working without sounding like a junky. He discussed his back. They filled out his FMLA paperwork. They discussed a few other things. It went smoothly. We headed on our way out. Came back to Mike’s Mom’s house.

Mike’s Mom had taken Mikhail to his 3 year old check up (which was scheduled like 5 months too late, heh) because we were at Mike’s Dr. Mikhail is 98 percentile in weight. 97 percentile in height. I asked Lynn to discuss getting the number for the speech therapist because I feel as though Mikhail’s not talking enough. Dr basically told Lynn that as long as Mikhail can talk to people whose not normally around him and 2/3rd of the time people are able to make out what he’s saying, he don’t need a speech therapist. *shrugs* Ok. Guess I’ll just not worry about it anymore. Thing is, when he wants to, he talks. He talks well, that is, when he wants to. He can say full sentences now. He says some bigger words. He just doesn’t talk as much as say a different 3 year old, for instance like my niece.  BUT the thing I’ve realized about my niece compared to Mikhail, is Milli talks really fast, and it is really hard to understand what she’s saying. A lot of time she’s babbling. Where as Mikhail says stuff clearly and its easy to understand. The only time its hard to understand what Mikhail is saying is when he’s whispering it. Well, plus he has a few words he has a hard time pronouncing.  Either way, I should stop worrying about it. When he goes to school, if he has a speech problem, they will tell me. *nods*

What else did I want to talk about? OH RIGHT! As of today, I am 6 weeks quit smoking. I’ve done it!!! Hooray! It is getting easier and easier by the day. I’m still having moments where I struggle though. For instance, while Mike was home that week and half, I was struggling. I was really stressed out. I felt awful. I just wanted to smoke. There were countless times I almost jumped in my car to buy a pack of smokes. I didn’t know if Mike would have cared. I think that’s the only reason why I thought of doing it because I wasn’t sure Mike would have stopped me. But I didn’t. I held my ground, stayed strong, and just pushed past the cravings. It was extremely hard but now that I know I was able to get through that without relapsing, I can probably conquer anything. Right?

Last topic of conversation, I want to talk about Mike for a second… I absolutely love the fact that Mike and I are still passionately in love. I don’t know necessarily if its as much as it is for him as it is for me but I know there’s still plenty of passion in between us. I still look at him and my heart flutters. I still look at him and ask “how did I get so lucky?” *blushes* He can still turn me on by looking at me. He’s my best friend in the whole wide world. I love that I can talk about anything with him. I can be stupid because of my pills and not feel stupid when I’m around him. IDK if that even came out right… I don’t feel like an idiot around him even though I’m being an idiot. Right? That make more sense? IDK. Either way. Love him to death. I’m so lucky to have found him. Like my Mom always says, he balances me out. We’re good for each other. I can’t wait to marry him. Even if its a courthouse wedding that we do on a Tuesday morning. I don’t care anymore. I just want to know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him.

Ok enough gush… Trying to think if there is anything else I wanted to discuss??

Guess I could talk about Matt… He’s been seeing Nickolas on a somewhat regular basis. More recently he asked if he could see Nick on Sunday. Then on Saturday asked if he could see him on Tuesday instead because of some reason I don’t remember. It’s not important. So, last night he took Nick. Nick wanted to see The Avengers. So, I asked Matt if he would take him. He told me he would but not to tell Nick that he was going. I’m like that’s fine. So, Matt picked up Nickolas shortly after he picked up his gfs son at his bus stop. He asked me the night before if Nick could sleep the night. On a school night? Uhm? I didn’t know what to tell him. After contemplating it for a moment, I told him yes but he absolutely HAS to bring Nick by 8am the next morning. So then I told him 7:50. Then I told him becuase he forgot his clothes, that he needs to bring him a little earlier than that so I know he has enough time to get dressed. I also told him I was putting a LOT of trust in to him for doing this and I expected him to follow through with what he said he’d do. It worked out alright. Nick got here at 7:30am. He got dressed. Told me he’d eat breakfast at school so that’s not an issue.  Nick officially spent a school night at his Dad’s house. Guess I trust Matt with a tiny (and i mean TINY) bit more responsibility especially now that he has this girlfriend who has a kid and he is learning what its like to have a kid in your possession at all times of the day, every day.

Also on the plus side, he’s paying my child support. Well, I can’t say that he is. I’ve gotten one payment so far since we went to court. But it was for the normal amount like its supposed to be and it was taken from his paycheck so I should SHOULD be getting it on a regular basis again! HOORAY FOR MONEY!

Alright. I don’t know what else to talk about. I suppose I’ll end this here. If I can think of anything else to talk about I’ll edit this post, unless its a few days from now and then I’ll just write a new post. Until then folks…

ON TO MY PROGRESS!!! I know you’re all dying to know how I’m doing. I told you last week I wouldn’t come talking about how I’m craving cigarettes. Well that’s not going to happen.  Well, it has been one week since I quit. Well, according to my “GetQuit” plan that came with Chantix, yesterday was my one week. They count the last day of the week as your one week check in and your actual one week begins a new week. Its screwy but whatever. However, I put in I quit on the 27th to the “GetQuit” plan, I quit on the 28th. So if I’m using the logic the plan uses. Today is my one week. Tomorrow – being that it is seven days since I had quit – will be the beginning of a new week. Are you confused yet? I surely am. Let’s move on.

So the cravings have been intense. The first two days were awful. I had depression. I just couldn’t keep busy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Yea, it was that bad. I hated myself for even thinking that I could do this. I kept asking myself “WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO DO THIS?” because ultimately it was my choice – sorta. You see, I chose to quit smoking. I told Mike, “I’m going to try to quit smoking.” THE REASON behind why I wanted had to quit was because I was broke. I had $10 to my name and I had no clue when I was getting more money. I wasn’t about to ask Mike to support my habit. So I decided to quit. That week I went to the doctor. Talked to him about chantix. Then… oooh THEN… I got money. A large sum of money too. My reason for quitting was shot out the window. So yea it was my choice but it wasn’t my choice then it was out of my hands… it was happening whether or not I liked it.

So the first two days, really tough. The next few days got a tiny bit easier. I stopped thinking about having a cigarette as often. During those first few days it was on my mind the entire day. Now I was craving them at the normal times I’d crave them… after eating, after coffee, while on the phone, etc. The cravings were still pretty intense but I did what I always do. I forced myself to deal with them. Here’s the thing about me… When it comes to dealing with something, I force myself to do it. I put it in my mind that there is absolutely no other choice but than to do what is required of you. Whether it be parenting, or going to my doctors for my bipolar, or quitting smoking. I have to do it. Sure, I put it in my mind that I am doing this because Mike won’t accept anything else. I guarantee he won’t accept me relapsing and start smoking again. So what choice do I have? I have this strength about me. So I put it in my head you have no other choice but to do this.

Mike says once I got over the three day hump it would get easier. The first three days are the worse. *shrugs* I suppose he’s right. Don’t get me wrong… I have this “strength” about me but it is still very, very hard. I’m struggling, I’m just not showing it. I am freaking out on the inside.

It has gotten a little easier. Not much, but a little. Every day that passes I go a little longer between cravings. I heard you never stop craving completely. The thought is still always there. Awesome. Just what I want – to want to smoke for the rest of my life. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I just want to think like a non-smoker. To not crave. To go all day without beating myself up over this decision. It’s pathetic in my mind. Absolutely pathetic.

I don’t really know what else to say about it. I’m struggling. I won’t show it. I have no choice but to be strong and just do it. I don’t want to do it. I beat myself over it. Yea, that pretty much sums it up. I just replay the same stuff over and over in my mind. “You want to quit. You’re doing this for {insert reasons}. You are strong and can over come this. Do this for Mike. Do this for yourself. Be proud of how far you’ve come. Stop beating yourself up. The craving will go away and you’ll forget all about wanting a cigarette”.

I have to admit though, I have been really productive the past few days. After the little bout of depression I got, I decided I absolutely have to keep myself busy. I did all, I mean, ALL the laundry. (that’s 15 loads of laundry I did. Washed, Dried, Folded, Put Away.) I’ve been working on my website non-stop. The thing about web design is it soothes me. When I start web designing I don’t think about anything else. My mind goes blank and I’m completely focused on web design. It makes me feel good. I’m focused. I’m calm. I’m proud. So I have been finding ANYTHING I can do on my website. I tweaked my gallery after I finished it, I have created THREE themes for EA, I have found some new plugins, I tweaked tiny things that you’d never notice but something I changed to my liking, all in the past week. I’ve been cleaning entire rooms in the house. I did the entire bathroom. I actually cleaned the ENTIRE bathroom. I NEVER do that. I usually just do a surface clean and call it a day. Nope, not this time. I have been keeping up with the kitchen. I scrubbed the floors (again). I’ve been trying to keep up on the living room but I swear as soon as the boys are let loose in it its destroyed anyway. Needless to say, Mike probably wishes I quit years ago because I’ve done so much.

My Mom promised (although a promise from her doesn’t mean anything) she’d come over on Thursday and help me do the boys room. Which DESPERATELY needs to be done. We will be going through ALL the toys. Sorting them. Going through and weeding out the broken, or chewed up ones. (Nick has a problem chewing up toys. If he chews on them, they’re thrown away. Simple as that.) We’re going to be putting away toys in the closet so they can’t get them and can only play with what’s out so there is less of a mess in the long run. I’m also going ot recruit her to helping me take out ALL the trash around the apartment. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not dirty people that live in filth and garbage. There are garbage bags of odd ball stuff laying around. For instance, the boys pop up tent that broke a few weeks ago. I threw it in a garbage bag. It’s been sitting in my dining room ever since. All the cardboard boxes that we haven’t had the time to take out. That or we have just been plain lazy. There are boxes from stuff we ordered sitting near the front door. There is diaper boxes that have all of Nick’s school papers or work that I empty out from his backpack in the front hall. Just random garbage that we never took out. Not dirty, stinking, rotting garbage… cardboard mainly. So I’m going to ask her to help me take out ALL of that. THEEEN this weekend, if Mike doesn’t work, he has big plans to go through the bedroom. Get rid of laundry baskets (he only wants 2 laundry baskets. Wants me to keep up on the laundry. Promises to keep up with buying quarter so I don’t fall behind) He wants to go through the closet in the bedroom and get rid of everything that’s in there and take it down to the basement so we actually have some space to store stuff. Which is fine by me. But first things first… the absolute FIRST thing he WILL do this weekend IF he doesn’t work…? He WILL take down the FIVE totes of Christmas stuff, including my Christmas tree, that is sitting in my dining room. I MEAN ITS APRIL FOR CHRIST SAKES. I’d do it but I’m a clutz and I’d break my neck (or something) doing it. THAT and I don’t touch anything in the basement. It’s all organized and sorted the way Mike likes it. I don’t want to go down there and start throwing boxes around and have him get upset. Hahah, like how I did that. I made valid excuse as to why I shouldn’t do it and why its Mike’s responsibility. I think its only fair. I’ve been busting my ass in the house so he can do this for me.

Ok. I’ve officially rambled through 1900 words. I’m done now. I will let you all know next week (or sooner if I feel like writing) how my progress is going again. Maybe by next week I won’t hate myself so much for this and finally get it through my head that this is a good thing. Yea. We’ll see. Until then.

Yesterday was my quit date. As I had told you all I was quitting smoking and how I’m terrified. Well, yesterday was my day of quitting. Thing is, I had four cigarettes left. I wasn’t going to throw those away. I was gonna smoke them THEN quit. Well, I got on the phone with my Mom. She previously told me she was going to come over with Milli (my niece). So I got her on the phone and I ask her if she’s coming over. She tells me some lame excuse about how she wants to clean her house today and she don’t want to  come over. Boo! I needed her there to keep me preoccupied. I was gonna do all my laundry while she was there watching the kids. Well shit. Now what? She was like “You have a car now…” by the way, I got my car back!!! The brakes are a little ‘squishy’ so Mike says but it feels normal to me so yea its back! “…come over here.” So I text Mike and ask him if he thinks its okay that I go over to my Mom’s. Before you go, “What the hell are you asking permission for. You don’t need his permission to see your mom.” understand he kept making gestures how he didn’t want me driving with Mikhail in the car just yet. (offered to pick up Nick’s prescription even though I’m capable of doing that now) I just didn’t know if he wanted me driving with him or not yet. He knows more about my brakes and whether or not their safe than I do. They feel right to me but he’s gonna know whether or not they’re unsafe and not drivable. So he gave me permission that he was ok with me taking Mikhail. I left the house around 9am and went over to my Mom’s.

My Mom lives only a few blocks away. So it didn’t take me very long to get there. We went inside and was greeted by Milli. I sat down, relaxed a little. Decided to have a cigarette. I smoked half of it and put it out. I always smoke more when I’m over at her house because she’s a smoker and I can smoke in the house. So it’s a lot more convenient. I hung out for a while. We had lunch. I smoked the other half of my cigarette after I ate.  (Have three left now) Relaxed some more. She started talking about how Milli was ready for nap and started hinting that she wouldn’t take her nap if we were there so we should get going. Before we left, I smoke another half. Got up and left. Went home. I was freaking out at this point. I was freaking about the fact that I only had a few cigarettes left and then I was done. I went in to my bedroom and started folding the odd ball clothes that were clean in the basket. After that I went in to the bathroom and was appalled. I started cleaning up the bathroom. I got everything off the countertop and in to their various assigned places. I scrubbed everything down. I had to throw something away so I went and grabbed a garbage bag and I then emptied all the garbage cans around the house. I went back ot the bathroom and finished cleaning up in there. I power cleaned for an hour without even sitting down from walking in the door.

I finally sat down and just relaxed some. I went and messed around with my site. As you could see from my previous entry I got my entire gallery done. Yay! Bad thing about this is that I wish I would have waited until this week before working on my gallery because I’m trying to keep myself preoccupied and my hands busy and web design is the BEST way to do this.

I ended up just relaxing for the rest of the night. I didn’t do anything more. I had 1 cigarette left and I savored it. I smoked my last cigarette at 7pm last night. I officially had quit. I was freaking out for a while after this. I ended up taking a long, hot shower. I wanted to wash away the smell of the cigarettes. “Start over fresh” sorta speak. That calmed me down enough to get ready for bed.

I woke up this morning and realize it was the moment of truth. I was now a non-smoker. I keep telling myself that. “You are a non-smoker. You do not smoke. You don’t have smoke breaks with friends. When friends ask if you want a cigarette, you’re going to tell them no because you are a non-smoker.” I had a cup of coffee and from all my preparation from the previous week I wasn’t bad with craving after I finished my cup. I did a LOT of work cutting back on smoking. I went from ½ a pack a day to a pack every four days. I cut back a lot. I started skipping cigarettes that I didn’t think I could skip. After eating. After coffee. Talking on the phone. I just made it through those little humps without smoking and was fairly successful. I figured if I can skip a cigarette that I usually crave the most I’ll be fine.

The biggest test for me today was going to be taking Nick out for his bus. It was the ONE cigarette I couldn’t cut out during the entire week. I just couldn’t bring myself to not smoke it. It was sometimes my first cigarette of the morning. Its the time I converse with the lady that lives upstairs from us. I always had a cigarette here. For some reason it was the only cigarette I couldn’t NOT have in the morning. The sheer thought of taking away sent me in to a frenzy. Well, I did it. I went outside to get Nick off to his bus. I got a craving because the lady upstairs was smoking, but I didn’t freak out like I have been every other time. I did really good. *pats back*

Today has been rough. Cravings have come and gone. I’ve just tried to keep myself busy. Unfortunately I had a mild touch of depression to go along with this. It wasn’t entirely smooth sailing the the pat few hours. I just hit a slump where I didn’t want to do anything. No chores. Nothing but sit on my couch browsing aimlessly on the laptop. I finally got out of this slump around 3 and decided to get up and do something with my time. I decided to start doing laundry.

Here’s the thing about doing laundry at my house. I hate it. No really. I cannot express just how much I despise doing laundry in this apartment building. You see, at my old, very ghetto, run down, apartment building, which might I add was just awful and its a good thing we’re out of there, I had washer and dryer hook-ups in my apartment. On the same floor. In the hallway! I didn’t know how good I had it until it was gone.We moved out of that place and into this place. I checked out the laundry room here and I remember saying “Oh that’s nice I can bring Mikhail downstairs to do laundry with me because its in a little enclosed room and I can close him off in there while I’m doing my laundry.” HA. I was so wrong. Here’s the problem with doing laundry here. 1. It’s $3 to do ONE load of laundry. THREE EFFIN DOLLARS! I have four people that live in my house. TWO KIDS. We go through a LOT of laundry. That’s not even including washing bedding and rugs. I miss my old washer and dryer. 2. It’s downstairs in the basement. Taking Mikhail with me isn’t so bad. He comes down stairs, usually stays put, and then comes up. Easy peasy right?  Not lately. I start loading the washer and Mikhail will take off, bolt up the stairs, run in to the lobby of the apartment building and sometimes a. go upstairs or b. go in to the apartment. I’m paranoid he’s going to run outside the building and take off all the while I’m downstairs loading the washer. He knows how to open the main lobby doors and go out there so I wouldn’t doubt for one second he would do it. Leaving me p-a-r-a-n-o-i-d.

So I decided my cravings were becoming more intense, I need to do something. So, even though Mike isn’t home yet. I decided to start laundry. I started the process of loading the clothes in the basket. I asked Mikhail to come over and help me. I handed him the detergent pods (they’re these new little pod things that break down in the laundry. MUCH easier to carry downstairs than an entire bottle of soap to measure off) and ask him to put them in the basket. Then we head downstairs. We get down there and I load the washer but I tell Mikhail “I need your help. Stay here.” Washer is loaded. I tell him to put the pods in the washer. Then I put the quarters in and have Mikhail “help” push the quarters in to the load. Then if I have to load the dryer. I hand him clothes from the washer and he puts them in the basket. Then he puts the clothes from the basket in to the dryer. So far, this has been working. SUCCESS! I’m just hoping this seems fun to him for a while. Helping Mom and all.

SO now that I’ve bored you with my past two days I’m hoping my next entry isn’t about smoking all OR just to tell you I’m doing great and I’m not craving cigarettes no more.  Check out the gallery. Link is above in the top menu. Leave comments. I’ll reply to them. Thanks for reading.

So I started taking chantix a week ago. So far so good. I’m down to a pack every three days instead of every two days. So I cut an entire day’s worth of cigarettes out! Its a good start for being only the first week. I just need to cut out the main ones (e.g. after coffee, going out to get Nick on the bus, after a meal.) The one that I smoke when getting Nick off to the bus is probably going to be my toughest one. I smoke because I’m bored standing in the hallway waiting for his bus. I can’t take away the boredom I’ll feel but I have to take away the cigarette I smoke.  Not an easy feat. So its a work in progress. I’m working on it. Trying to cut every cigarette down that I can. Some days I do really good. Other days I do as bad as I was. Depends on my stress level and whether or not I’m cycling through depression or mania.

Now that spring has arrived (it was 77º yesterday!) mania has hit. It’s not intense yet. I have a feeling it’s going to be soon though. I’ve already decided I can conquer the world. Feel like I can do everything and anything. I got on this kick of quitting smoking. I also was like “Oh. I can diet, eat healthy, exercise, and change my entire lifestyle.” So I started going on http://www.sparkpeople.com and started counting calories. I found some exercises I wanted to start doing. Like I said, I felt like I could conquer the world. Then of course, I crash. I rapid cycle in to depression and I feel like a failure because I wasn’t able to do any of this. Vicious cycle it is. Such is my life though. I’m dealing with it.

Yesterday was fun. /sarcasm As a family we went to Walmart. I had to pick up a few groceries and there was some other stuff I needed to get. We had plans on going to Culvers afterward for dinner. So we went to Walmart, got a cart filled with stuff, loaded up the car, and got ready to leave. Mike put the car in reverse, backed out of the spot, and went to push on the brake pedal and the brake pedal went all the way to the floor. Uh oh. So he’s like “What the hell?” So he pulls around and pulls up to the stop sign. We had brakes again and there was pressure on the pedal. So he turned and went to exit the parking lot and went to stop at the stop sign and the pedal went to the floor again and we hardly stopped. He was pissed. So he pulled in to Ace Hardware’s parking lot, parked the car, and got out to take a look. Apparently the brake line broke. Thankfully it didn’t break while we were driving in traffic and wouldn’t have been able to stop and would have gotten in to a car accident. We were safe and stopped. We got the car towed. So tonight Mike’s gotta spend the evening over at his parent’s house fixing whatever it is that broke. (He’s unsure at this point exactly what snapped) Which means I’m stuck with the kids for the night. They had better be good.

Nick’s grounded so he won’t be able to play outside. He’ll whine and cry until he’s blue in the face about wanting to go out just hoping that I say yes. I won’t. He pissed me off. He was playing outside two days ago… and we’re apart of an apartment complex that consists of like 12-13 eight family apartment buildings. Near us there are three other buildings. So when Nick is out playing in the back he plays between all four buildings. To the right of all the building is part of the parking lot. On the other end of the two back buildings is the driveway to the parking lots. So without drawing out a picture of what I mean, I’ll continue on with my story. Nick was playing in between the back two buildings which are near the driveway. I come outside, scream his name, and he comes running from the other side of the trees from where he was playing. I ask him what he wants for dinner and he tells me a grilled cheese. I tell him “Fine. I will be coming out in about 5 minutes when its done and you’re going to have to come inside and eat.” He said ok. So I go inside, cook the grilled cheese, go back outside, and scream his name. This time I see him on his scooter, riding up the driveway and rounding the corner of the parking lot, which is one building length away. Busted! He’s not supposed to go in the parking lot for ANYTHING. And not only is he only in the parking lot but he’s in the driveway too! These people don’t pay attention when they’re driving. They speed through the parking lot like its nobody’s business. He could easily get hit. So he rides his scooter up to me I tell him, “You’re done being outside for the night. You come inside, eat your food, and go in your room for the rest of the night.” He throws the BIGGEST fit ever. The neighbors are out watching the entire ordeal. So I’m trying to be civil with him while he throws his fit and not lose my patience. He’s throwing himself around. Crying. He was one step away from throwing himself on the ground and having a full fledged three year old tantrum. I tell him lets go. He goes “I have to go get something.” So he goes and runs away back towards where he was playing. It takes him a good 5 minutes and I scream his name again telling him let’s go! He come walking up with his brand new light saber and his old light saber. Second thing he’s busted with. He’s not allowed to take toys outside because that’s how they get broken and then they don’t have them anymore. Too many kids play with them. Too many kids who don’t take care of items especially ones that aren’t theirs… yea. So he continues his fit. It takes me another 5 minutes to get him inside. Finally get him inside and tell him I’ll think of a punishment. So he continues to scream and cry while his dinner is getting cold. I lose it. I start yelling at him. I ask him what was he thinking going in the driveway and parking lot. Well, Mike must have heard us in the hallway when he walked in because he asked what happened. I explained to him what happened with the scooter and the driveway. He looks at Nick and goes “You’re grounded!” Guess that was his fate. So, I go, “Oh that isn’t even the best part…” and explain the toys being out there. Mike goes, “Yea. You’re definitely grounded.” Nick throws a bigger fit. I go, “Man does that suck because it’s supposed to be absolutely beautiful outside tomorrow.” He threw a fit for a while. Sobbed while he ate his grilled cheese and finally finished it like 10 minutes later. He was sent to play in his room for the rest of the night. I was so disappointed in him about the driveway. When asked why he went in the driveway his response was first, “I didn’t know I couldn’t.” which is a lie. Then it was “Noah told me he was gonna race me and he never came in the driveway and I took off and I didn’t notice he wasn’t behind me until after I turned.” Which could have been true but he shouldn’t blame it on anyone but himself. So in conclusion, he learned a lesson. He’s grounded until at least Friday.

Alright I had more to write but now I can’t seem to remember what it was. Hmph. Hate when that happens. If I think of it I’ll edit the post at the bottom. Until next time…

New Years 2012 Resolutions Proposed Accomplishments

I don’t particularly want to call these resolutions. New Years Resolutions are always things you’d like to do but they’re completely out of the ball park of what you can do. You wind up feeling like a failure because you don’t accomplish them. For that reason, lets not call these resolutions… Let’s call these proposed accomplishments. I plan on doing these! If I don’t do them, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m not going to feel like a failure for not completing these goals. So here they are:

• BLOG MORE!!! One of my resolutions, more like the most important resolution, is to blog more often. I want to blog at least once a week. Although I have no life and my blog posts will consist of me whining about how my kids are driving me crazy and about what chores I did that week, we’ll still try to blog more. I’m hoping out of all my ‘resolutions’ this is the one I stick to the most.
• Lose weight? The question mark is because I don’t plan on losing weight. Meaning, I don’t intend on working on losing weight. I’ve been drinking a lot of water the past few weeks. We’re talking eight or nine 23oz bottles of water a day. I have lost 20lbs. I am not working towards losing weight, its just happening. I’ve been thirsty – that’s why I’m drinking as much water as I have been. So if it happens, it happens. I’m not going to cry or beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.
• Stay stabilized. While I’m not 100% stable, I’m pretty damn close. I don’t have mania, which is the main part. I don’t have depression. Which is normal during the winter months and its winter. I’m just here… I’m still having issues, but I’ll get more in to that later. I just want to stay as stable as I can throughout the year.
• Take my meds as directed. I’m not not taking my meds as directed. I’m definitely not abusing my meds. I just want to continue to take my meds as directed. No skipping days because I don’t feel like being medicated. No  putting off getting my scripts from Walgreen’s because I am being lazy. Just keep up with my scripts, take them as directed, and stay medicated.
• Continue to see my doctors as regularly scheduled. I want to continue seeing my doctors at the normal schedules. No rescheduling appointments because I don’t want to go. No canceling appointments because I don’t feel as though I need to see him (this is particularly for my therapist). Even if I have nothing to say, I need to go to my doctors.

So there you have it… my ‘resolutions’. They’re not over the top. They’re do-able. Notice how “quitting smoking” is not on there. Yea… I’m not setting myself up for that one. I can’t quit smoking until I’m completely stable for a long period of time. I’m not ready for that. So I didn’t add it on there. Like I said, the blogging one is the one I would like to most stick with. Even if I have nothing to say, I can come up with something to post. Whether it be a recipe or an idea, something!

So what else has been going on with lil’ ol’ me?

Not a whole lot to be honest. Like I said above, I’ve been pretty stabilized in my mental health. Which is fabulous! We’ve come down a long, windy road to get to this point. For the most part it feels alright. I’m not super excited about stability because I’m having issues, mainly sleep issues. I’m always tired. I take my ambien around 8pm and by 9-9:30pm I’m ready for bed. So, I go to sleep. I get up 4-5 times a night because I am drinking so much water so I have to use the bathroom. I go right back to sleep after I get up though. I wake up in the morning feeling very tired. I get up with Mike, lock the door after he leaves, then lay back down on the couch until the boys get up. I usually lay there for about 30 minutes. Then I finally drag myself to get up. It usually takes me 2-3 hours to get fully awake after my morning coffee. Then, its nap time for Mikhail. Which means, its nap time for me too. I lay down and I’m like “yes, I can finally sleep!” then what do I do? I just lay there! For two hours I lay there in hopes that I will fall asleep but by this time I’m already wide awake. HMPH! Continuing on, around 4-5pm I’m exhausted again. I want to just go to sleep. I have to get dinner ready though. Then around 7-8pm I’m wide awake again. At this point, I take my ambien and I start the whole process over again.

So, why does me being tired make me dislike the stability? I miss mania, to an extent. When I’m manic I can sleep 1-5 hours a night and be energetic and alert the next day no problem. I get little sleep and I’m fully functional. It almost is like I’m getting too much sleep currently. That or my body is completely not used to getting this much sleep. Which is odd because I’ve been on ambien and on a ‘normal’ sleep schedule for about 8-9 months now. The only downfall to the manic episodes is the irritability and irrational thoughts. Not to mention the racing mind, the inability to sit still, and the rage episodes. Okay, so mania isn’t so great but man I miss sleeping a few hours and being energized!

Not a whole lot else has been going on. I’ve just been being a normal housewife and stay at home mom.

OH! My old job is hiring again. I hope Mike doesn’t expect me to apply. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it but I really hope he doesn’t. They’re never going to hire me back! Not after all the shit I went through with them over the last year. I wouldn’t hire me back! I’m not stable enough to go back to work. I don’t honestly believe I could handle it again. I would end up VTOing every chance I got. I think I like it better being at home. The extra money is nice to have but *smh* its just not do-able right now. So hopefully Mike doesn’t expect me to re-apply. Then I won’t feel like a failure when they don’t call me back. To be honest, if Mike expected me to apply I would probably just tell him I applied so I didn’t get  a call back. No sense in going back to work. I get it… we can barely afford me not working as it is. But I’m still waiting on disability! Although it could be three years before I hear from disability I still have to remain hopeful that maybe one day I will get it.

Alright. I suppose that is all for now. Expect me to write again more in a week or so. Hopefully I have something to say! Me? Have nothing to say? HAHA! That’s funny. We’ll see though. I’m going ot try to stick to this goal!