This is what it has become… I am a big ol’ pain in everyone’s ass. No, no one has said anything to me about it. I feel like I’ve just been a major pain in everyone’s ass lately.

I AM FREAKING OUT!

I am. I legitimately am. I am freaking out to no extent and guess what Lynn will be home tomorrow so the boys aren’t even going to be alone! Why am I freaking out then!? I don’t know! A combination of things, perhaps? The fact that I don’t know if the pants I got are going to work. What did he mean by khakis? Any khaki colored pant or a specific type of pants? I have no clue! Lynn found me 2 pairs of pants after work today and ONE fit me and those are going to be the ones I wear tomorrow. I hope they work because I’ve been on a wild goose chase trying to find pants. I even relieved some of my anxiety by doing a light check and seeing if dark underwear shows through the pants in the bright lights. They didn’t. I was honestly freaking out about that, though. Great! I FOUND A PAIR OF PANTS BUT WATCH MY BLACK UNDERWEAR WILL SHOW THEM! THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T. I have two pairs of pants coming yet. One from Kohls which are juniors so I don’t know if they’re going to fit me. Another from Amazon which has REALLY mixed reviews.

I am telling you all this worrying and freaking out better be worth something because at this point I just want to curl into a ball and cry and say fuck it and not do any of it. Say, screw it… I’m going to wait until January and see if I can get in back to my old place of employment. NO dress code. Perfect hours. I know the job. I know it well. I know how to do it well. NO customers. No politeness or seeing people or having them see my facial expressions. ALL OF THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL RIGHT NOW!

I’m not even allowing myself to give this a chance because I am freaking out so much.

Calm down, Nik. Everything will be fine, Nik. All will work itself out, Nik. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you tried, right, Nik?!

ALL WORDS I CANNOT FORCE MYSELF TO LISTEN TO!

Take it one step at a time, Nik. That’s something that I’ve repeated to myself over 300,000,000 times in the past few days. OK! What’s in YOUR control?! What can YOU control over this matter? You have NO idea what he meant by the pants… you don’t want to call and ask. Fine worry about it. That’s your own fault. Ok. Fine. I’ll worry about it. I’ll go to work and figure out then. Tomorrow my first day and I’ll figure EVERYTHING out then. Right? No more wondering or worrying. I’ll figure out my hours too. Something that has been FREAKING me out the past few days. What will my hours be? Will I be allowed to do what I want to do? This is NOT in your control, therefore, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT! Fine. Ok. What’s next? The boys. The boys were literally punching and screaming at each other before you left today and they figured it all out when you said, “Fine! BYE! I’m leaving!” You worried SO much while you were at your appointment that someone would end up bloodied or dismembered and you came in and everything was FINE. You worried until you were nearly sick and guess what, they were fine. They didn’t fight while you were gone. You came back and they were doing exactly what you told them to do.

But what if it isn’t fine next time? What happens if Mikhail has one of his tantrums? What happens if he punches a hole in the wall because Nick won’t play with him? NO NO! You just talked to Mikhail. You told him “When I am gone at work, you play alone. You leave Nick alone. When I come home, you will have time to play together.” He will listen to you. He’s way more responsible than Nick and Nick is doing a really good job proving you can do this. He wants you to do this. He wants responsibility and to have you trust him.

Ugh this is all really confusing and so frustrating. I’m going to end this here. I’ll be sure to tell you all about how tomorrow goes! Wish me luck, I’m diving in!

written on at 8:43 pm || Filed under: Anxiety

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