So, it’s been forever since I posted. *rolls eyes* JK I just posted about 10 minutes ago. I finally completed my trip reports – finally. Those took forever to write. I decided to write a normal post right away because if I don’t write one now I probably won’t for a while.

You see, ever since we returned from vacation I’ve slowly been sinking into a deeper and deeper depression. It has nothing to do with leaving Disney and not being on vacation but more so that reality has settled in and the realization that I have nothing going on for me right now is real.

I’ve made big, audacious, even scary lists of stuff that I want to accomplish while I’m off work. I’ve attempted to write goals and to-do lists in my planner.

Do you want to know what I’ve done? 

I’ve attempted to exercise. I’ve managed to exercise 7 days of the 15 days of being home. An accomplishment but hardly a feat. And nowhere near my 29 days of building a habit, forming a habit, conquering a lifestyle.

I have taken a nap about 13 out of the 15 days of being home. I have wanted to do nothing but sleep. Definitely a sign of depression creeping in.

The weather hasn’t helped at all. Winter is here and it’s cold and I just want to be bundled up and warm. Once I get warm, I get cozy, and then I fall asleep. Or, I simply don’t want to deal with the day ahead of me and instead of facing the day on straight ahead, I crawl into bed and wallow away until I drift asleep. I end up sleeping anywhere from one to three hours a day! That’s ridiculous and COMPLETELY unlike me.  Even my sister and mom were like, “You? Take a nap? Unheard of!”

I’m trying to get into a routine of exercising and build/form a habit so I WANT to exercise and feel guilty when I don’t do it. I sabotage my own workouts. I will work out and purposely stop when he says “Five seconds to go…” instead of pushing myself to do the best damn five seconds I can get out of me. FIVE FUCKING SECONDS! I stop! STOP! I can’t even go “push through and give it your all through your last little bit.”

I think, tomorrow I’m going to pop an antidepressant and put myself back on them. I’m going to call my pdoc and ask his permission first but otherwise, tomorrow morning when I awake I am just going to start taking them again. Worse that can happen is I start heading towards a manic state and then I stop them.

I got all of the unemployment figured out. I’m receiving those benefits. So, at least I have a little bit of income coming in that will at least cover my bills.

I got all my other benefits taken care of too. I’m going to have to pull money from savings even though I was trying REALLY hard not to touch it if I didn’t have to.

I plan on crunching some numbers tomorrow. We’ll see what happens.

I got Mikhail to his orthodontist appointment. He needs lots of work. It will cost us $3380 out of pocket. Oh yippee! I gotta factor in too.

So, that’s what’s happening. I’ll write back again soon.

written on at 9:57 pm || Filed under: Life with Bipolar, Struggles

One Response to “Back to Reality”

  1. Sheri says:

    It’s so awful when depression starts creeping back in. I hope the antidepressant will eventually help you get back on track. Meanwhile, I’m here if you need me.

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