Once again, I’m worrying. Nothing new, right? I’m always worrying. It’s annoying how much I worry. At this point, people just go “Oh, Nik is worrying again. Jeez, she needs to take a chill pill.” Ugh! Here’s what’s on my mind tonight…


So, as most of you know, we had inventory at the store today. I did not work. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t a part of the process. No, I was a good chunk of the process. I had to do ‘back to front’ which means I had sections and aisles of product that I had to physically touch every single item in the row, match the UPCs, and scan them to make sure they match their tag. The thing is, I know I’m not the only one who was working on the store to get it ready for the process of inventory – I’m not that vain but I am the one they had work on the first two aisles, then no one else worked on the ‘problem spots’ and it was left until I was available to work on the floor again, when I was put to tedious work. I had to do a whole bunch of sections of the store. Touching every single product and ensuring everything was in the right spot. Not that big of a deal, but it kind was.

It didn’t dawn on me until today… if the counts are wrong majorly in the areas I worked on exclusively, that’s going to reflect on my work. Me. Solely. Those are going to be hard numbers that will reflect 100% of what *I* did. HOLY SHIT! WHAT IF I DID A BAD JOB!? Then, I won’t be asked to do anything special anymore. FUCK! Now I am freaking out. What if I didn’t do it right or good enough!? Shit. So now I’m freaking out about that all day today.

Thing is, I’m not going back to work until Thursday. THURSDAY! That’s five days away! I am going to dwell on this for the next five days. Christ. I gotta find something to preoccupy my mind and not dwell all day long about this. I’ll find out on Thursday if I did a bad job. Now I know what you’re thinking… what if you didn’t do a bad job but actually the opposite. Maybe you did an excellent job. Why do you always have to think so negatively? Because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t think negatively. I guess I was going to say I see where Nick gets it from but we’re actually the exact opposite in that aspect. He purposely gets his hopes REALLY high where I’m more of the low on the totem pole so if it’s not good I don’t end up disappointed. Eh, I’ll have to get over it. I can’t dwell on it non-stop for the next five days, can I? Of course, I can! What am I thinking! This is exactly what I do! Deep breaths, Nik. It will be fine. It was your first time. If you sucked royally there is no possible way they’re going to hold it to you THAT badly. You’re doing your best even though you think you could have done better. Too high of standards you hold yourself.

*sigh* Deep breaths. Moving on…

Happy Birthday

Today was Nick’s 13th birthday. Thirteen! Can you believe it? I feel so old yet so young. It’s really hard to explain. I’m 30 years old with a teenager. I feel like we’ve overcome so many obstacles yet have so much to get in front of over our lives. It’s hard to believe that I’m 30 years old with a teenager. We made it this far. We made it to the teenage years. All through babyhood, toddler years, childhood, a teenager! *shaking my head* Unreal. Now we just have to make it through some of the hardest years. We’ve got a good thing going so far. He’s a good kid. He just has issues like any other kid. Maybe just a few extra because I am his mom and his dad is his dad. Speaking of the bastard…

Matt text me tonight. I’m not telling Nick. He says “If he texts or calls, tell him I said ‘whatever’ because I don’t care about him.” Sure, Nick, whatever you say. But you can bet your ass, if Matt decided to ask for Nick tomorrow, Nick would JUMP at the opportunity to see him just to see what would happen, even though last time he was fine with their exchange but yet so heartbroken.

Matt and I exchanged a few texts together. It ended with him saying “well if you don’t want to ever deal with me again I’ll set up a court date and then you’ll never have to deal with me again and you’ll get your rights completely 100%”. I said do whatever you want to do, you’re gonna do anything you want anyway. *shrugs* Guess we’ll see what happens next, right? He’s such a bastard.

Sleep Over

As an agreement with Nick, I agreed to allow him to have a sleepover for his 13th birthday. He’s only having one friend spend the night. One is MORE than enough for me. They’re all so dramatic. My boys are more dramatic than any girl I know. Guys, I’m telling you, my boys are more dramatic than ANY girl sleepover you can have. Don’t argue with me about this. I’m telling you the truth. Nick has started yelling at Mikhail since about 15 minutes after his friend arrived that he just wanted to be left alone. Oh boy. It’s been an uphill battle ever since to literally keep Mikhail preoccupied and out of Nick’s hair. The kids have been fairly good for the most part, though. Not a huge battle but some minor hiccups.

We ordered pizza. There has been some Youtube watching. There was plenty of video game playing. I think they’re enjoying themselves. I don’t know.  I’m not a fun gauge. I’m also terrible at entertaining kids. No one said I was a good mom when it came to making sure my kids had something to do.

Ok, I’m going to end this here. My brain is mush and apparently my fingers don’t want to cooperate when it comes to typing correctly. I have pushed the damn backspace button for every few words and it’s driving me crazy. I want to blame my keyboard but honestly it probably just has a huge part with me SUCKING! Ok. Goodnight everyone.

written on at 9:29 pm || Filed under: Anxiety, Ohana, Parenting

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