Another new cocktail…

Date posted: Monday August 23rd, 2010 || Filed under: Life with Bipolar || 3 Comments

At this point, I’m writing these posts mainly for my purposes of keeping records of what I’m on for later on…

That way, when I have a new doctor and they ask “Have you ever taken ___?” I can tell him yes or no by doing a simple search here. I’ve also been doing pretty good with keeping track of side effects and stuff.

If anyone is actually reading this – please note – I’ve been kinda outta it lately. All day today I have felt like I was in a dazed and confused state of mind. So, a LOT of what I’ve been writing hasn’t been making much sense. I’ve been losing my train of thought very easily so bare with me. Okay?

So, I went to see the pdoc, or psychiatrist, today. I told him about how Seroquel was causing me nothing but problems. 50MG of Seroquel was causing me extreme rage and no sleep. 50+-100MG was causing me to sleep for over 15-18 hours a day! Way too much to function. Thankfully I was playing around with dosage of Seroquel while Mike was home for the weekend so I could sleep. Otherwise, I would have been screwed.

So, he checked my blood work to see where my lithium levels were. I was only at a 0.4. He said ideally I should be at a 1.0 – 1.5, so I have a lot to increase. He wants to increase me low and slow. So, he told me to take 1200MG of Lithium instead of 900MG. He wants me to check my blood again on Monday. So, in about a week or so I’ll go get my blood work done again and see where it is from there.

He also told me that he wanted me to stop Seroquel at once and he was going to put me on:

Risperdal at 1MG starting

Ambien at 10MG starting

He said that this mixture of Risperdal, Ambien, and Lithium should be my best bet in getting me stable. He said that it’s no wonder Lithium hasn’t done a lot. I told him that I have noticed a change already though. I have been a lot more calm. My rage attacks are still there but not as frequent. They’re still very intense though, that’s where the Risperdal comes in.  He said that it should directly help with my rage and slow down my extreme angry. He gave me a small dose of Ambien to take to help sleeping. He told me if I lay down and after 45 minutes I’m still tossing and turning then to take it.

In a sense, I’m kinda scared to take it because of all the nonsense I’ve heard about it. I’m going to follow doctors orders and just do as he’s told me. I’m going to be sure to try to sleep without it first though.

… with that being said, my next topic. My attorney’s meeting is on Thursday. Three more days away. I’m super nervous… anxiety really. Okay, to be honest, I’m FREAKING the fuck out. What happens if he comes and talks to me and says, “I cannot help you.” Or what if he like thinks I’m a psychopath!? What if he comes and says, “Suuuuuure you’re nuts, but you’re intelligent so I don’t see why you can’t work!?”

I keep telling myself, “They interviewed you on the phone, Nikkole. She said she thinks they can help you. So, calm down and know that they already believe they can help you so don’t think they’ll come saying they can’t.” … Can I listen to that? Absolutely not! I mean, I don’t believe I’ll get disability without an attorney. Without an attorney, I’m going to just continue to appeal, and appeal, and go to court, and cry my eyes out that I really need help, and appeal… and then ultimately get denied and then be left to fend for myself! I just can’t take that!!! It’s bad enough I have family members that believe I have absolutely no business even applying for disability because I don’t deserve it or need it.

1. I wouldn’t have applied if my doctor didn’t tell me that I would get it.

2. I wouldn’t have applied if I really needed it. Do I believe I can work, not a chance… I mean, yes, I can get a job, but its a matter of keeping the job! I mean, my rage attacks? Who the hell thinks I’d be able to keep a job with the rage attacks I have. I get pissed off ONCE and I’d go off on a customer or on my boss! How about when I’m depressed and I give a flying fuck about anyone.

So with that being said … I completely loss train of thought. :| Fuck. That’s all I really needed to say.

New meds. Check.
Attorney appointment on Thursday. Check.
Freaking the fuck out … Check. Check.