I’ve been a mess. This past week has been hell. It’s all been brought upon myself. If I didn’t care about things, life would be so much easier. This is going to be a brain dump post because I simply cannot comprehend a thought that surpasses as something logical.

First official week of summer

This was the first official week of summer and what a mess it has been!

I thought I had everything ready. I had our lunches packed, Nick’s chores and rules laid out in full for him, his email account was set up so he could email me during the day if absolutely necessary, Mikhail’s sunscreen and clothes were put out so they were easily accessible, everything was planned and thought out!

Then Monday came. Everything was fine. I never heard from Nick via email. I could only assume that he was having a good day. I could only assume Mikhail was having a good day.

I picked up Mikhail after I VTO’d 30 minutes early on Monday. He got in the car and just cried and cried that he had a massive headache and he was in a lot of pain. We got him home, meds in him, lots of sips of water – as much has he’d take, and a cold compress on his head. He ended up passing out for 1.5 hours. I thought this was it. This was the breaking point. He wasn’t going to want to go back to camp after this. Fucking lovely. Fucking great. I spent $450 on nothing.

Nick did all his chores and was responsible for everything he was required to do. I found out later that Mike’s mom came over and instigated Nick to do this and that around the house. “What are your chores? Why are you not doing this or that?” Which pissed me off because why the hell and who the hell do you think you are to come into my house to tell my son what chores he should be doing. If you’re so fucking concerned about him keeping busy enough through the summer, give him some jobs and be expected to pay him for them, too. It just irritated me to no end. Like it’s none of your business. Then Mike agreed with her. Whatever. Clearly, I’m in the wrong.

The next morning Mikhail woke up and said he didn’t want to go to camp because he didn’t want another headache. Long story short, he went. I was like WOO HOO. Then I rested a little easier because now  I knew even though he had a bad experience the first day, he was willing to go back.

Fast forward to 11 am on Tuesday morning, Nick’s therapy appointment. After a little arguing and nonsense, I got into it with Nick in front of the therapist about the whole neighborhood situation (long story I’ll save you the trouble about it). Turns out the turmoil and nonsense that happened and that we were up in arms about and there was mad drama about it, well turns out the entire thing was a lie. He lied about everything we thought we knew about the situation. So I was upset about that whole situation. Well, the upsetness that I felt regarding that situation never went away. I dwelled on it and dwelled on it. If he lied to me about that whole situation and let it BLOW UP TO EPIC PROPORTIONS then what lies is he going to tell when being home alone for 7 hours a day every single day?

I was upset. VERY upset. So he ended up grounded from everything for that night. I express my concern about him being grounded with nothing to do while I’m at work on Wednesday and how upset it made me think that he would have an idle mind and thoughts and then potentially become depressed and then ultimately suicidal again. I know that’s ridiculous but that’s how my mind operates. So, the next day I tell him he can go on the Xbox only after his chores are done and afternoon.

I get a text at work on Wednesday from Mike saying “Nick’s on the Xbox saying you gave him permission, is that true?” >>FREAK OUT<< Yes I told him AFTER noon. It’s not after noon. It’s 9 am. Fuck he lied again. FREAK OUT FREAK OUT FREAK OUT. I puked three times at work that morning. I finally said enough was enough and talked to my team leader and explained that I was overly anxious about everything that I was trying to VTO. She put it through at 10:30 and I went home to deal with Nick. Back and forth I text Mike regarding the matter which didn’t make any of the situation better. I was a nervous wreck. Nick has grounded again for the rest of the night and told to do chores for most of the night.

Thursday… today… I was fed up. I was overwhelmed. I was freaking out .Here’s another day and I’m trying to do the best I can with what I got, so I decide to write the following post:

There are always going to be anxieties. How you cope with them is going to be a telling point of how you deal with life. You can sit here and whine and cry and say woe is me I’m anxious or you can suck it up, fucking deal with it, understand things are gonna trigger your anxiety, accept them, and move on. Stop letting your life be overtaken by these anxieties. Do you want to look back and go yea I didn’t live my life to the fullest because I was so sick with worry that I threw up or my heart skipped beats and it felt as though my chest was caving in because I let it all bother me. Mikhail is at camp. Yes, it’s gonna be hot. He will be ok. He knows now that if he isn’t OK he can call whoever he needs to come get him…. that shouldn’t make you anxious because he won’t abuse that like Nick would. He is there which means unless the heat brings on a massive headache – he will be fine. Nicks got a list of chores he knows he’s supposed to do. He knows his responsibilities. No one should be telling him to do this or that more than what you told him to do because you are the mom and it’s between you and him what those responsibilities are. If someone wants to have him do more or it isn’t to their standards they can have him do stuff for them and then they can reward him as they see fit. God dammit my house is lived in. It is no shrine. I have two growing boys who are just learning responsibilities due to my neglect to start them even younger. I refuse to feel inadequate because I’m not living to someone else’s standards in my own house. Nick is only doing what he was taught to do. He is learning. He isn’t doing a perfect job because I have never taught him how to do half of these chores. That doesn’t mean anyone should be stepping in to do so. If I am going to rid myself of my perfection and anxiety I better start speaking my mind. Confrontations and bullshit ahead. There will be butting heads. There will be disagreements. Guess what Nikki that’s what happens when you don’t like how someone is doing a thing. Nick and I have a system and Monday was fine. I was at work most of the day. Nick did what he was supposed to. Everything was fine. So I refuse to let anyone butt into that. So… let’s try this again. Nick is at home. He is grounded from everything from his tablet. He has a list of chores. If He chooses to sit on his ass all day after doing the chores I laid out SO FUCKING BE IT. Mikhail is at camp. He will be fine. He probably won’t call to be picked up because that’s how he is. If he does call, I will be responsible for getting him. Fine. Whatever. Now I am going into work and I am going to put on a brave face, the tears stop now. I am going to bust my ass and do the best God damn job I can to prove to them I am fucking worth it and that should hire me on. I had to get that off my chest and now that I did I fully expect repercussions so be it. I’m a big girl I better start acting like one. That’s it.

A few people liked it, and then Mike’s mom “HAHA” it. Which, what the fuck does that even mean?! Yes, I wrote about her but why would she have HAHA’d it!? So that put my anxiety into a tailspin. I text Mike and expressed my irritation and he told me “you two need to figure it the fuck out or we move… simple as that.” Thanks for the words of encouragement or support babe. Thanks for attempting to make me feel better in any which of the way.  So I was even more upset.

I finally said enough was enough and VTO’d again. I VTO’d every single day this week and on Monday I took the day off on Friday so I have zero hours on Friday too. My check isn’t going to be pretty but I need self-care… BAD.

I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and figure out why I’m having such a hard time with this. Why won’t I allow Nick to blossom on his own and prove to me he can be responsible and do his chores and do what he’s supposed to do during the day while I’m gone? Oh yea, right. Because Mike’s Mom had to butt in and make a big fuss of all the things he wasn’t doing and could have been doing instead of sitting on his ass. Why Nick can’t enjoy his summer break and just sit on his ass all day is beyond me. If he wants to complain that he’s fat and made fun of because he’s fat then that’s his own fault. I cannot hold his hand this summer. I have to let him go and blossom on his own. Mikhail is going to camp like he’s required to. I’m freaking out because of Nick. All this anxiety and freak out is because of Nick, but WHY!? That’s what I need to figure out.

written on at 7:00 pm || Filed under: Anxiety, Parenting

One Response to “All Out Of Sorts”

  1. Sheri says:

    Oh Nik, this is so heartbreaking. You seem to be doing the best you can, it’s so difficult to deal with these situations with no support. I hope you’ll be able to find a way to get the support you need.

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