Accomplishments & Acceptance for 09/09

Date posted: Wednesday September 9th, 2009 || Filed under: Accomplishments, Family, Uncategorized || 2 Comments

Today was a very busy, hectic day – yet feels like I did nothing at all… Time to change that mindset around.

* I called the WI tobacco quit line and got set up. I have a quit smoking date of October 1st, 2009. They’re sending me a 2 week supply of the nicotine gum and have on going over the phone support for when I’ll need it. They want me to start off with this first step – when I urge a cigarette when I REALLY need it. Stress, after eating, etc. Wait 10 minutes, THEN have one. Tell yourself “you can have a cigarette, but you must wait 10 minutes and try to do something during that time which is causing your want to have a cigarette in the first place.” That’s my first step.
* I got both kids, Nickolas and the neighbor, to school safely and on time.
* I got lots of dishes done!
* I cooked dinner – Home made lasagna and “ultimate fudge” brownies. AND I did the dishes after everything was done!
* I made it through a day with an extremely crabby baby. He’s teething. Poor guy.
* I let Nickolas go to his grandmas house. I pushed aside my anxiety about it and decided that although is father is an idiot, his grandma hasn’t done anything (that I know of) wrong so he should be able to go see her and play with his aunts and uncles that he loves so much.

* Finally starting to think I’m accepting the fact that Matt will NEVER change. After much discussion with his Mom, I found out everything I already feared/known. Hearing it from a third party is basically the seal on the deal.

1. He’s been driving without a license for over a year with Nickolas in the car.
2. He owes nearly $2000 in child support – arrears, which if he is pulled over, a cop can arrest him for being so far behind.
3. When Nickolas was over at his house, he would stay up until 5am, leaving Nickolas to either fend for himself during the day OR his mother would have to take care of him until she had to go to work. He was to sit and play QUIETLY on the floor while he slept for hours and hours.
4. He has NEVER cooked the kid a meal. Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Arby’s, etc has been his choice of a “healthy meal” for our child.
5. He BUYS HIS LOVE. Anytime he disappears or disappoints Nickolas, he goes out and spends hundreds of dollars on toys for the kid.

* I’ve decided that Nickolas will NOT be seeing him again soon, or for a long time. I tried to sit down with Nickolas and tell him what’s going on. I explained to him that “Daddy’s busy lately with Lisa and I know that makes you sad. Daddy’s been making you sad a lot lately and I don’t like to see you sad baby. I just want to make sure you know that Mommy and Michael love you very much and we’ll always be here for you. I want to make sure you’re safe Nick, and that you’re protected. Daddy drives with you in his car and he’s not supposed to. If the police officer would to stop him, he will take Daddy to jail and you will have to be picked up by Mommy. We don’t want that. I know that you don’t understand because you’re so young. I know you miss your daddy, and that you love him with all your heart. I know that this all makes you sad, but I want to make sure you’re safe baby. I want to make sure that you’re taken care of. Please know, that I’ll never ever EVER leave you.” … what he said broke my heart. “Daddy forgets me. Will you forget me too.”

… Explaining to a five year old little boy – that his Dad, who he loves and adores because he buys him everything under the sun and whatever, he’s his dad, isn’t the best person for him to be around.

My biggest accomplishment of the day – I’m being strong, I’m TRYING to be strong for Nickolas and myself to get us through this. I HAVE to be strong and stand my ground and not allow MYSELF to give in to Matt’s bull shit ANYMORE. I cannot BELIEVE his lies. I cannot GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS. I gotta do this. I CAN do this.