Omg, I’ve had a roller coaster ride of the past few days. Its been ridiculous.

Mike is doing fairly well. He’s just patiently awaiting the results for his biopsy to see what the outcome is. Thank you all for the well wishes.

I won a new coffee maker today. ^_^

That was fucking awesome.  A Cuisinart Two-To-Go Coffee Maker. I really really needed a new coffee maker. Since we cannot afford anything right now, this is exactly what I needed after my day from hell.

As some of you might know, I’ve been busting my ass to try to get a doctor (psychologist & psychiatrist) to get my Bipolar and Depression taken care of. Well, I’ve been calling nonstop numbers for the past few weeks, again.  I have gone through this probably six or seven times in the past few years. I’ll decide, “Alright, today is the day I go for a doctor.” then I spend hours upon hours calling and calling and get no where. No one is accepting my insurance (its the state insurance, awesome) or they aren’t accepting new patients for that specific insurance. So, I contact Mike’s new doctor and figure, if I get into seeing a regular primary care physician maybe they will give me referrals so I can see a different doctor. Well, I contact them, and they say, “We are accepting that insurance, but he has met his limit for this year for new patients, we will be accepting that insurance again the 1st of the year. What?! Fine. Whatever. So, I schedule an appointment – Jan. 05th, 2010. YUCK. So, I’m on the verge of giving up again, but then I remember how last night, I blew up at Mike over the stupidest shit and realize, no now is the time.

So, completely exhausted I call the insurance company one more time. I tell them what is going on and how I’ve been fighting to get a new doctor for as long as I can remember. They basically ask me if this is an emergency and whether or not this is critical. I tell them, “At this point, it is. I cannot continue to live like this, I’ve become slightly suicidal, not to the point of harming myself in any way but the point of having the thoughts of doing so. So, the lady starts telling me about this ‘Partial’ Intensive Outpatient Therapy program where I go in, and get medication and doctors and basically go 3 times a week for a few hours (or 5 days from 9-3pm!) So, I tell her, you know what, that’s fine. I am at the point, where I just don’t care what its going to take. She gives me four phone numbers, and ask if she can call me later and see what’s going on.

I call the first phone number and they tell me that they don’t have an “Intensive Outpatient Therapy” program that is only the partial (which is the 3 day one) but they do have a program where I would come in from 9am-3pm for 5 days and have intense therapy sessions. I tell them, “That’s fine.” and hang my head to know that its come to this point. She tells me that all the physicians are currently busy, takes my phone number, and informs me someone is going to call me back for a screening to see “if I’m bad enough to have that”.  So, while waiting, I decide to call one of the other phone numbers…

They answer. They’re accepting this insurance. They’re accepting new patients. They’re taking all my information, everything is going GREAT! We get to the point where they get my SSN and put my information in when what does he say, “It says here that your insurance is inactive. We cannot make your appointment at this time.” ARGH!!! “Alright sir. Thank you for your help. I’ll call and figure out what the problem is for that…” I hang up the phone, cry a little, then continue on. I call the “welfare office” to make sure all my review information and everything is current, after sitting on hold for over 45 minutes, they tell me, it’s all fine. What. The. Fuck.

So, there you have it. I’m waiting for the first people to call me back to do a “on the phone screening.” I hope I don’t have to do the intense outpatient service for 5 days, because 9-3pm is a LONG time. Especially when I’d have to hunt down a sitter. Is it 5 days in a row?! If so, then that’s just not going to be possible.

I just want the help I need. I need help. I cannot continue to live how I am. I am depressed. I feel worthless. I feel like I should give up everything. I don’t have any feelings towards Mike. I could care less about myself. I don’t feel any love towards Nickolas. I’m a wreck!

So, now I wait… just another waiting game. I guarantee we go over our cell phone minutes (AGAIN) because of all this bull shit. I just want help. You’d think someone, finally admitting to needing help, they’d be there waiting for you. No, you finally admit it, and then you get knocked down a couple thousand stairs before finally being seen.

I’ll write another entry soon regarding KGB and what I do there… Thanks for understanding why I don’t have the energy to do it right now.

Filed under: Life with Bipolar, Sweepstakes ||