A new year brings a new me.
I was going to break this blog entry up in a few different pieces, but I’ve decided to just go forward with the entire thing and just be done with it. I’ll probably be posting another blog later today to let you all know of all the stuff going on in my life (other than what is spoken in this particular entry). There is a lot to cover so here we go.
It’s 2010 and I’m ready to take over a lot of things in my life head on. I am ready to start over, give myself a fresh start with an opened mind. I want to be better, whatever that might mean. I’ve decided that I’m going to give treatment another go. I know I said in one of my previous entries (“I’ve decided I can’t get better right now.“) that this isn’t the right time for me to get better and to get treatment for my Bipolar. I’ve finally put it in my head, “If now isn’t the best time, when will be the best time?” I’ll forever make excuses. I’ll continue to say that my kids come first before myself, and that’s why I can’t get better. I am trying to teach myself, If I don’t get better now, for myself, and put the kids after myself, then what happens when I’m not around at all anymore on this earth to care for them.I kept saying that with having kids, and not a very great support system, I couldn’t get better. I hit a really low point last year. I was a wreck. Right now, I feel “fine”. I feel as though I’m a bit manic, but other than that, not a lot to complain about. I still want to get “better”.
I called to make an appointment with my medication clinic again. After seeing my new family physician, he wrote me a referral to see if I could get a new doctor because I explained to him mine, doesn’t care about me, or my needs, but getting promotional medications tried. He gave me a universal network referral to see if I can be seen anywhere else. Unfortunately, there is only one clinic, within my county and the neighboring county that accepts my insurance. It’s the one I’m currently being seen. I made an appointment to see the actual psychiatrist instead of the nurse practitioner that I was seeing. It’s scheduled for February, 18th.
I’m nervous and so scared to go to this appointment. I know, I know. It’s the best thing I can do for myself. I need to do this. Blah Blah Blah! Regardless of all that, I’m scared.
- I’m scared that I’m going to once again, get the wrong medications and have horrible side effects that make me unable to care for my children.
- I’m scared that I will simply not be able to take care of ANY of my responsibilities because I’m too tired, drugged out, or whatever from these pills.
- They have already tried to push Geodon and Abilify on me because “They’re mood stabilizers” which I recently found out is in the case. How do I know that what they’re giving me is going to be even what I NEED.
I’m scared to death. There is no where else I can go. I don’t even know where to call to find out if there’s anything else I can do. Currently, all I know is that there is ONE clinic in the 50 mile radius of my home that I can be seen at. There is ONE doctor there and one nurse practitioner that knows nothing apparently. This is just what I have to deal with… If I get the wrong medications, who am I to tell someone who’s educated and does this for a living that’s NOT what I need. It’s not like I can say “Sorry, you’re not the doctor for me.” and go find another one. I call my insurance company and they give me NOTHING more than “go there”. I even asked if there was any doctors within an hour drive of me. Nope.
If I was able to work, I’d be able to have insurance through my job. I’d have better doctors and a better network to get the treatment I need. Unfortunately, I’m unable to work. Not necessarily because of my bipolar, but I think that if I WERE to go back to work, it wouldn’t last long because of it.
Over the next few weeks before my appointment, I’m going to try to read a lot of information regarding bipolar. I’m honestly in the dark about it. All I know is the little bit I have read online, and/or heard from people on twitter talking about. No one ever gave me any information on it at the doctors offices. I was diagnosed with it, and that was it. I got NOTHING more. I didn’t get an explanation of the different types of episodes, or even the different stages of bipolar. I am going to attempt to educate myself with as much information as I can handle about bipolar and when I walk into the doctors office I’m going to explain “This is what I have. This is the stage I am in. This is the symptoms and problems I am dealing with. I need this and that.”
I’ve never been a very aggressive person when it comes to telling people who, what, where, when, and how. I’ve just kinda taken life as a grain of salt. “Oh. You want me to do that? Okay, you’re the expert.” type of thing. What are your thoughts?
First of all, I like the new look of your website.
It sounds like you’re heading in the right direction. I learned that it’s very important to help yourself first, because if you can’t function everything else falls apart. You can be a better mom by taking care of yourself. Keep it up, you’ll eventually find the right medication cocktail.
I’m glad you’ve decided to approach this in a more proactive way. I think you’ll have much greater success with your treatment this time. I would try not to be too hard on yourself. Many of the issues you have dealt with are similar to those that many other people with bipolar also deal with. It’s all small steps. Getting a positive start on your medications (which I think you’ll get with a true mood stabilizer) is a great first step towards recovery. Keep in mind that fully stabilizing may take up to 2 years from the time you get on the right medications. It’s not an easy road, but just having hope that you will get better is all you need to start with. With that hope, the rest becomes easier. I hope you will not take any more failures as your fault. If you don’t receive proper treatment, that’s their fault, not yours. Keep trying, and you *will* find the doctors and treatments you need. I sincerely wish you the best with your treatment. Good luck!
I think this is an absolutely wonderful idea, and I agree with everything benpolar said. Go for it, go for it, go for it!
Also, in addition to reading things online, I suggest checking out books written by professionals at the library and/or similar books on Amazon.
There’s a lot of bullshit online about mental disorders, so you gotta be careful you’re not just studying people’s opinions about bipolar instead of actual FACTS about bipolar.
Also, you might want to look up ‘natural’ remedies for treating bipolar disorder — Just in case you decide you don’t want to go on any meds. I don’t have any personal experience with them, but fuck, I can’t even drink coffee without nearly having a heart attack, so I’m a little wary of meds, y’know?
Still though, this is all about YOU, so you do what YOU think is gonna work for, well, you!
Kick some ass, don’t kiss it! If there’s gonna be any ass kissing going on, it’s gonna be the world kissing yours. ;D GOOD LUCK! ♥ ♥ ♥
hi, Don’t try to do to much too fast. bipolar disorder is serious and sometimes you have to take your time. Rome wasn’t build in a day.