Heh. I really don’t know what to write about this week, but it is Thursday; I haven’t written at all today, so here I am writing. A few things have happened since I last wrote. So I suppose I can discuss those with you…
I had a therapy appointment on Tuesday. I always cringe at the thought of going to therapy. If it wasn’t for disability I’d stop going all together. I don’t get absolutely no benefits from going. I have been seeing the man for two years and we’ve never had any ‘revelations’ or real break thrus. *rolls eyes* So what’s the point? *sigh*I have to keep going. I have to at least keep going until I know what’s going on with disability. My attorney told me to continue on with seeing my doctors so I am seeing my doctors. Therapist even asked me, TWICE, whether or not I was going back to work. “So, you’re uhm, you have no plans on returning to work anytime soon?” I explained to him, if I return to work, I’m going to only be able to work up to $1000 per month. So what’s the point? If I hear back from disability and they deny me once again then I’ll stop perusing it for now and move on. The possibility of returning to work will be a little greater. Until then, stop asking me!!! Would it shut them up to say “No, I’m going to continue being a SAHM.”? I have to keep going. I have to keep going. I HAVE TO KEEP GOING!!! Hmph. Moving along…
So, this weekend we are going up to Mike’s Grandparents’ house for the weekend. Nickolas calls it the “red house” because they own a cottage on the lake – its red. Mike’s Grandparents place is up the driveway across the street. So they own the properties on both sides of the street. I have to pack tonight (along with a shit ton of other stuff that needs to be done). I wrote out a list of all the shit we need. Four people, for 2 days, equals 1 ‘duffle’ bag which is bigger. A laptop bag, because I want to bring my laptop so I have something to do say after the kids go to bed… I want to pixel basically. Grandma and Grandpa don’t have internet so I won’t have the ability to do that but I will be able to pixel. So, all the basic stuff I have to pack, shirts, shorts, pants, socks, underwear, flip flops, etc. Plus, I have to pack the pharmacy in which we have: Nick’s medication, ALL my medications, Mike’s medications (his saline rinse stuff, nose spray, pills, etc), plus Mikhail’s allergy medication just in case, AND cold medicine just in case. While town is only 20-30 minutes away, we’re only going ot be there two days so I’d rather be prepared with this stuff than have to go “Oh crap, I need to run to Walgreen’s now we all have to jump in the van and go. It should be a good time. The boys usually really enjoy it up there. I’ve personally never stayed in Grandma and Grandpa’s house so I have no idea how this is gonna go. The unknown of this kinda makes me worry and/or not want to go, but that’s just because I don’t know what it’s going to be like. Oh well we will see how it goes… I’ll blog about it when I return, maybe on Monday or something. We’ll see.
We’re going back up to the cottage in July, during my birthday, for a week or so. That will be a laid back week. We will be there for a whole week (or at least most of a week, I haven’t quite figured out what’s going on with that yet. It all depends on Mike’s vacation time and such). I like it when we stay up there for a longer period of time. You disconnect from the world (there’s no internet, and most of the time your phone doesn’t have signal). Its just sun, fun, swimming in the lake, sun bathing on the pier, reading old magazines, snacking on food all day long, and being so worn out from the fresh air that you sleep heavenly. It took me a while to get used to being up there without Mike. (Usually he could not get off work for all the day we’d be up there, so he’d come up on the weekends and I’d be there with Mike’s parents or just his Mom for the entire time.)
Pixeling has been going well… I have, somewhat, been coming up with things to pixel. The website (Dreamy Designs) has been coming along nicely. I had the site originally in i-frames. Which was great. Until I went to add a “donate” pay pal button in the menu and when you’d click on the pay pal button it would open in the menu frame and not show up entirely so it was a wreck. So last night I spent about an hour converting the entire thing to DIV layout. Everything looks the same – minus the “frame” or box I had around the menu and main content window… *shrugs* What are you gonna do? It looks alright. It might not be 100% valid but its closer than it was. I’m going to work some more on the characters I made… “puffies” and “rosies” they have like 8 different animals in 16 different poses or something like that. I want to make clothes for them and other various things to add to the set before selling it.
As for what my plans are for the rest of the day… they’re busy. I’m surprised I’m taking the time to blog in the first place because I have so much to do. First off, Mike requested I do some laundry because he needed some things washed. Which was fine… so I started that this morning. Soon as Nickolas got off on the bus, I started it. I honestly HATE laundry!!! I hate it now that I don’t have my own washer and dryer that is. I’ve stated this before… at our old [ghetto] apartment we had a washer and dryer hook-ups right in unit. It was in the hallway between the bedrooms and the living room. VERY CONVENIENT!!! NOOOOOW, I have to go downstairs to the basement, and pay $2.75 a load for laundry. Ridiculous! Preposterous! Nuts… Oh well, what are you gonna do? The apartment we’re in now is bigger. It’s maintained, well kept, just all in all, better.
During laundry, my Mom will be coming over with my niece for a little while. She will be visiting. She will not be cleaning or helping with anything today. I already told her there’s nothing for her to do so she can come and just relax. (Giving her more of a reason to come instead of making excuses why she can’t.) Mikhail and Milli will be able to play for a while together while Mom and I talk and have some adult conversation (YAY) Haha. That reminds me… poor Lynn… I talk her ear off whenever I’m over there because I don’t get a lot of people to talk to so when I see someone I’m like blah blah blah blah blah – etc.
Tonight, once Nickolas and Mike comes home, we will be headed to the grocery store. I don’t know if Mike’s going to let me get everything on my list or if he’s going to tell me to wait before getting everything and just get what we need for tonight since we won’t be home all weekend. *shrugs* We will see… he’ll probably tell me to wait for everything else and just get what we need for tonight. He needs to get everything to make eclair torte which he needs for work.
After that we have packing to do… LOTS of packing to do. OH JOY!!! I absolutely LOVE packing. It’s my most favorite thing to do of all time! I don’t know how much more I can make that sound as sarcastic as I can. Packing sucks. I never know what to pack. Do I pack according the weather? Do I pack extra clothes because I have boys and they will destroy everything they’re in? Do I pack this or that? OMG I HATE IT. I also hate packing so much where it looks like I packed my entire house and then people are like “you don’t need that much!” Hmph. It’s a lose/lose situation.
What else? Anything else? Hmm… My mood has been better. For the most part at least. I’m not beating myself up over everything as much as I was before. It’s still there but just not as much. My bipolar for the most part has stabilized – compared to what it was when we first started this whole process two years ago. So it’s a start. I’m still scared to return to work. I still think I need disability. I don’t think I’m cured… I think I’m FAR FROM CURED. I’m not going to get a job just to quit that job because I can’t handle it. I’m not wasting people’s time… ya know?
In two days, I will have been quit smoking for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! Other than right now because I’m talking about it, I haven’t even had a craving in the past three days. Not once. Smoking crossed my mind but it wasn’t a craving. It was just a “oh, I used to smoke.” type of thing. Its a miracle! NOW, with that being said, IF Mike were to give me permission to have a cigarette again, I would, in a fucking heart beat. Isn’t that sad?? After all my hard work and all that I’ve been through I would still smoke in a heart beat if given permission to do so. *sigh* Its pitiful really.
Alright. I suppose that’s all for now. I have to change Mikhail’s diaper – OH! POTTY TRAINING!!! That’s a fucking joke! A little back story …
Mikhail out of NO WHERE went in to the bathroom and sat on the potty. He went potty, pee and poop, that day. He was doing great for like three days. THEN IT STOPPED. That was like 6 months ago. Since then we’ve bought underwear and pull-ups. Since then he has gone on the potty, sporadically, for the past few months. Meaning he will go on the potty once, one day, and then not do it again for a week or two. UGHHH!!! So, Mike’s Mom is like “do what we did with Nickolas, put him in underwear and once he feels that wet on him he won’t like it and will go on the potty.” I did that. Mikhail peed all over my fucking house. He didn’t care that he was wet. If I hadn’t checked him he would have sat in it for the entire day! So that didn’t work. I tried bribing him with candy and movies and tv and computer time, you name it, I bribed him with it. We thought for sure the candy would do the trick. He loves candy. NOPE. So, now I’m being told ” Don’t buy no more diapers and tell him he has no choice but to wear underwear and go on the potty.” He won’t do it. He FLIPS OUT when he’s told he HAS to wear diapers. I have friends telling me that this takes finesse and not being pushed in to doing it. You go to ease him in to it. He has to be ready. Blah Blah BLAH! I don’t know what to do anymore. He HAS to get potty trained because I’m fucking SICK of hearing about how oh such in such is potty trained and they’re only 2. Or how my niece is potty trained and she’s two days younger than Mikhail. “Its time to get him potty trained” NO FUCKING SHIT. IF ITS SO GOD DAMN EASY YOU COME FUCKING DO IT! I am out of answers. I’ve read EVERY SINGLE potty training article I could find and I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what more to do.
/end rant. *phew* Ok. That’s all for now. I mean it this time. No, really. That’s it. Ok. Talk to you all again soon. Probably Monday after I’m home from being up north. I’ll tell you all about it.
